Category Archives: parenting

Fighting Style – Style Lesson #3

It’s Fashion Week in some little burg off on the East Coast so it’s Fashion Week in the center of the universe as well (that’s here in case you were wondering).
Fighting Style

My eldest daughter, Rebekah, once asked me a question. She was standing at the top of the stairs and my other 2 daughters were at the bottom of the stairs near me in the living room.  She asked, “Dad, is it ok if I get my belly button pierced?”

Hmmmm….this has got to be a trick question I think to myself.  If I say yes, then obviously the other two girls hear it and will then feel they also have permission to have that done when they are Beka’s age.  If I say no it sets up an argument about piercing and style that will likely go on for a long time in the household considering the 2 younger girls are only in middle school.  Hmmm…how to respond?

First, I thought about what I had preached to so many of my conservative church-going friends who were parents.  How often had I said, in response to them complaining about their kids’ styles, “Do NOT destroy the relationship with your child over style. They want to dye their hair purple? When are they EVER going to be able to do it if not in high school?  They want to wear what most everyone is wearing? It does NOT mean they are a slut. It just means they want to be a member of a tribe. Chill out and save big battles for big issues, not shoe styles.”

Then I thought about what I had told my own children many times.  I am fine with you wearing and accessorizing whatever you want. Any style is ok as long as it’s not permanent (i.e. tattoos, they can get those when they are over 18 and out of the house if they want), dangerous, harmful or hurtful to themselves or others, then I am fine with it.  IF, however, I find that your character and behavior goes south I reserve the right to investigate whether your style has anything to with it. If it does, then that style will have to go or be modified.

So, now was the moment of truth. Was I going to practice what I preached with Rebekah?  My response was, “Well, I think I would want to go to a doctor and ask what he or she thought of belly button piercings, I would research it, I would find out if there were big infection problems, etc.  If that all came back ok, then I would let you get your belly button pierced.”

She listened, turned and walked towards her room and said, “That’s cool. I don’t really want to get it pierced, I just wanted to see what you would say.”

That cracked me up.

Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, who limits his piercing activity to using skewers for shish kebobs.

Quote by Peter McKay, who is either a Scottish Footballer, a Canadian politician or a humor writer. Pick one, you might be right.

How To Get Children To Not Listen To You

Teaching Your Children

One of the most important things for a parent to realize is they are smarter than their kids.  Well ok, I know some dumb parents with smarter kids, but what I really mean is that you as a parent must be shrewder, subtler, wiser than their kid.  Why? So you can teach and lead them without the kid consciously knowing it.

Kids hate being lectured to, right? So don’t lecture, be smarter than a lecture.  Put a napkin in their lunch with an intriguing idea written on it, for example.  Put interesting, thought-provoking art up on the walls.   Read books that help you understand something and make sure the book is out for them to see.  Go to a play instead of a movie one night and tell them (briefly) about it’s content.  Clip a headline out of the newspaper and put it on the fridge. Not the whole article, just the headline.  Comment below with your own examples of how you lead and influence your children, ok?

If you want them to go in a certain direction the only way it will happen in the long term is if there is interest and curiosity on their part. Stimulate that curiosity for them to find out things on their own and guess what? They will learn what you want them to learn.

AND if you do it right, in the end they will teach you more than you taught them!

Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, Publisher of The Napkin Dad Daily blog

Commentary by Anonymous

Perseverence vs Obstinacy

perseverence vs obstinacy

It seems to me that one mistake parents make is being as obstinate as their children.  They need to be smarter than their children, more sophisticated and more subtle in how they wage, and win, their battles.  Calm perseverence and intelligent persuasion vs obstinacy will beat obstinacy vs obstinacy any day.

And you have to allow that sometimes you will lose the battle with your child, and that is ok.  They need victories too, you know.  The main thing is, no matter the fight, no matter the technique, never let them go for long believing you are against them. You always want to keep in mind that you are on their side, that you are their champion in life and you want them to know that.  It’s not an easy position to carve out consistently but over the course of a life it can be done.

Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily

Quote by Henry Ward Beecher, 1813-1887, American abolitionist and Congregational clergy

>It Is A Wise Father That Knows His Own Child

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This is easy enough, yet so difficult for some fathers (and mothers) to put into practice.  The purpose of a parent is, besides feeding and keeping your child safe, is to find out who your child is and help guide that unique individual towards a successful and fulfilling life.  It is not about molding them into who you are.


That means: 

You are that child’s defender to the teacher who says they should be more this or that.  Not making excuses for your child if they have done wrong, but making sure your child is accepted as themselves, not forced to be something they are not.


You are the explainer and reassurer to the child about their individuality and unique character not being bad or odd or unworthy. 


You are the example to the child about enjoying and embracing your own individuality and personality.


You are the example of allowing and embracing others, including your own brothers and sisters, who are different than you are. Living out the truth that they are not a threat to your identity just because they are different.


You are the comforter when your child feels something someone else, including you, may not feel in the same circumstances.  You allow the feeling, not disparaging or dismissing it.  You don’t have to think, as an adult, that is is a valid feeling for you to have. You just have to acknowledge and understand it is a legitimate feeling for your child to have at that moment.

Be those things and your children will be secure in knowing they are truly known.


Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily


Quote by William Shakespeare, 1564-1616. English playwright

>Every Moment You Realize You Are Loved

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Yesterday the ‘Aha Moment Tour 2010′ came to Tulsa and I was invited to tell the Napkin Dad story.  They are sponsored by Mutual of Omaha Insurance Company. You may have seen the ‘Aha Moments’ commercials on TV.  They are going around the country in a very cool Airstream RV videotaping people talking about their ‘Aha moment’ in life.  They will post them on their website throughout the summer. When they are done people can vote on the ones they would like to see put on TV.  I will let you know when the video is up.


When I arrived at the RV there was a young woman, Kait, charged with checking me in.  We had to wait while the person in front of me was interviewed so she asked me to tell a little bit about my aha moment.  She had a wonderful look in her eyes as I told the story.  When I was done she sheepishly told me it reminded her of something her father had done. 


She said “of course, it is nothing like what you did”, and then she told the story.  ”He would leave for work very early in the morning, before I was awake.  But he would always leave a little folded note for me outside my bedroom door.  It wasn’t fancy, just a note saying he loved me, or maybe to remember to do something, like homework or be good.  I remember that it was always the first thing I would do every morning, get up and go read my note.  I was always so excited to get that note.”


The only false note in that story is about it not being like what I did. IT IS EXACTLY LIKE WHAT I DID!  It has the same immeasurable amount of love, thought and care from her father as what I gave.  He didn’t do it like I did, but that has nothing to do with the worth of his expression.  He loved his daughter and expressed it as only he could, with his creativity, mind and heart. And guess what?  She kept them too.  


The first and best ‘Aha Moment’ for every child is when they realize they are loved. They don’t want to be loved by me, or some TV star or some cartoon character. They want to be loved by their mother and father.  If you are a mother or father who finds a way, YOUR way, to express to your children that they are loved, then you are the best agent of love the world has ever known.  If you aren’t that mother or father yet, no time like the present to become one.

Drawing, quote and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily

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