This quote is problematic. I don’t think it’s true and I do think it’s true. Read my friend’s story below then let us know what you think.
I Am Good
I have a friend who has worked REALLY hard to get in shape over the years. She has lost a fair amount of weight, is running and doing cross training and is eating better than she used to. Her body reflects that. She has every reason to be proud of her efforts and her results, and she is. She not only is fit herself but she works hard to encourage others to be fit and healthy as well. I would say she is a good person.
I Am Bad
Recently she told myself and another friend that she had gone to a public pool. She said it was the best she had felt in many, many years. She said it was an incredible feeling. Then she said this:
“I am a terrible person”
Needless to say we were a bit confused. “What do you mean, you are a terrible person?” we asked.
She said, “I am a terrible person because I kept looking at all the other women at the pool and was so happy I looked better than they did. I judged them.” She judged their lack of taste and self-awareness in their choice of bathing suit. She judged their shape. She judged their lack of fitness. All the while she was gaining more and more pride in herself. Her bathing suit was a great choice because it showed off her body so well. Her fitness level was obvious. Her tan and hair were awesome. In other words, she was better than they were. And she felt that judgment made her a terrible person.
We bantered back and forth about about this, part of me trying to make her feel better about herself, persuading her that she wasn’t a terrible person. And she isn’t.
What Sort of Judgment?
But her day at the pool illustrates something we all can do so easily, and that is to render terrible judgments. She was immediately aware of herself doing this, even while at the pool and explained why this is so. She said it’s a terrible judgment because it is both ignorant and driven by ego insecurity.
First, she said it is ignorant; she does NOT know these other women. She doesn’t know if the women with the too revealing bikini that is also too tight is broke and is wearing the only hand me down bathing suit she has had in the past five years. She doesn’t know if the woman who is too skinny perhaps has a glandular or hormonal problem. She doesn’t know if the woman with the fake breasts had breast cancer or had been teased all her life for being a double A cup.
Second, she said it is driven by ego insecurity. She felt good about her body one minute and then started speaking in her head something along the lines of, ‘What if that woman over there thinks I am too thin?’ ‘What if that other woman thinks I am slutty for having on this small of a bikini?’ To defend against that imagined judgment she preemptively judges them. ” Who are they to judge me?” or “I have better abs than she does”, or “Look at what a terrible example she is to her child being overweight like that” and other self-righteous internal mind retorts.
Re-imagining
What she said she realized during the time at the pool and after, as she looked inward and didn’t like her judging others, was that she can just enjoy her own positive judgment of herself and her efforts while saying no to cutting down others. SHE likes her body. SHE feels good about how her bathing suit looks on her. SHE is proud of the work she as done. That is a done deal, no need to judge others to get there for herself.
She can also imagine the lives of these other women in new ways. She can have creative empathy with them. She might not ever get to know them, but that doesn’t matter. If she can imagine they are lazy, then she can also imagine they are hard working. If she can imagine they are slutty, then she can also imagine they are recovering. If she can imagine they are trying too hard, then she can imagine they are doing their best.
Your Thoughts?
What I loved about the story she told was her openness about her day and the self-awareness about her thought process. She was doing the hard mental and emotional work of transforming her thoughts and her heart in equal measure to her hard work of transforming her body.
And that makes her a very good person in my book. Thanks A for letting me tell your story.
What are your thoughts about the quote and the story? Have you had personal experiences with this? Can you relate? Chime in in the comments!
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Helen Rowland, 1875-1950, American Humorist and Journalist
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Did you read my recent Travel series? I went to St. John in the Virgin Islands, had some amazing adventures, and drew and photographed most everything. Check it out. An Island Cottage Adventure.
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This is what a friend of mine, K, wrote:
Well, I got to read the judgement one but don’t have enough service to post a comment so I will share my comment with you and either you can share it or when I get enough service I will.
One thing that stood out to me the most, whether she realized it or not, was that God was showing through her. Her guilt and realization of what she was doing and being resposable enough to share it with others showed her striving to want to correct her mindset.
And being on the end of the ‘fake breast’ part, the ones that knew me in school knew I had been small, so when I had a run in with a lump they had to remove, my husband and I decided on the choice of breast augmentation. I know I don’t hear the thoughts of my peers, but I feel the looks I get and knowing that there are women like ‘A’ reassessing her train of thought and judgement of others makes it a little easier to go out with my husband and boys and feel ok with our decision.
Thanks for sharing!!
K, thanks for the response.
I love it when people realize in the middle of doing something that they shouldn’t be doing it and change there ways. Whether it is God or something else at work, one’s conscience is a really important thing in keeping us civil and good to each other.
About the ‘fake breasts’. It is harsh to know there is judgment coming from others when they don’t know you or your reasons. They assume it’s for one-dimensional ego, sexual or economic reasons but they don’t first assume it is a response to a medical reason. What they resist is complex thinking about the totality of you.
When someone delays judgment or better yet does away with it all together, they are able to forget about placing you in some category of morally suspicious women and just find out who you really are, which is not that in the least.
I don’t agree. Coming down from a 200lb. body struggling to lose and now consciously maintain my weight (going on 6 yrs) , I can appreciate the lifestyle change and the constant mind over matter process. I could never feel that way about another woman, while knowing how it feels for the outer self to have to fight to find her inner being aka her freedom.
Anon, I am glad you don’t put out that sort of judgment. Struggles tend to make one feel compassion and understanding for others and it seems you have that in abundance.
As I read over this story and reflected on this woman’s thoughts I could not help but wonder about how we as humans get to a place of judging others. Where did it come from? When did it all begin? What causes us to judge? Why do we judge? Were we first judged by someone else which made us in return judge another human?
For me I know the thoughts of judgment come from trying to make myself feel good. I put others down to exalt my hard work, looks, and actions. It is an issue of the heart. When my heart is not in check and craving for attention I soon find that I am seeking that attention by judging others.
I, also, believe society has corrupted us even more by allowing us to believe a mindset of, what this woman thought at first. The thoughts of, “I work out and eat right so I can look this good…why does’t she? or what a bad example she is setting for your children by looking that way”. We are always trying to be at the top, wanting the best, striving to be number one, and sometimes in order to get there judging others and putting them down is what it takes.
So to answer the questions of where did it come from?, when did it all begin?, what causes us to judge?, why do we judge?, and where we first judged by someone else which made us in return judge another human?…I think you have to look at your heart and what you are surrounding yourself with. I am not saying this woman was right to judge or wrong to correct herself and make it right by turning the negative thoughts into positive. But where is your heart when you begin to look at others and judge their looks or actions?
Dietrich Bonhoeffer (a German Lutheran Pastor and theologian) said, “Judging others makes us blind, whereas love is illuminating. By judging others we blind ourselves to our own evil and to the grace which others are just as entitled to as we are.” Let us try to live a life where our heart is full of love so that when those times do come of wanting to judge others we are ready to love them instead. 🙂
Courtney, very insightful and heartfelt. Judging does blind us, no doubt.
By human nature we judge. We are taught at an early age how, to judge, who to judge, and sometimes, though not always, why we judge. We judge people based on the good they do, and the bad. Our justice system demands it. While not always right or perfect it is what it is.
Thanks for the comment Angelika! Do you think the preponderance of judgment all around us leads us to think in judging terms about people and things that really shouldn’t be judged?
Food for thought 🙂
“A culture fixated on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty, but an obsession about female obedience. Dieting is the most potent political sedative in women’s history; a quietly mad population is a tractable one.” – Naomi Wolfe
I always think that it is an interesting concept that we must not judge, but must have judgement, they are apparently two different things, but sometimes I am not so sure – and then of course there is being judgemental ….
As to the story, I can relate and understand it on an individual level even the awareness of not thinking the “right” thing, but am not sure if you can generalise to all women or even all people, we are so different in what shapes our perceptions and reactions to others and the world around us and also create our reality through this. Interesting story and napkin!
Misha, thanks for the insight. I do agree it is not a universal thought all women (or men for that matter) have. But it is common enough so that the statement has traction among many.
Your second comment, the quote by Naomi Wolfe, has truth as well, though I don’t necessarily think it either is a universal. There is legitimate value in being fit, and obesity is a serious detriment to that. However, the nitpicking of weight is indeed such a distraction for so many they are not paying attention perhaps to larger, more substantial issues in their lives and their worlds. This is true of men or women I think.
Unfortunately as humans we judge. We judge with out thinking about it! It is an internal battle to NOT judge whether you voice it or not. I sympathize with that woman. She worked so hard and has a right to feel good about herself. She prob judged bc when she did not feel good about herself she may have envied or judged woman that were in shape. Women can be VERY catty and judgemental. I have a hard time finding close relationships with women bc of this. For ex. when a man cheats and leaves his wife and kids we women say, “Hes an ass, you didnt deserve him anyway.” and move on. When a woman cheats and leaves her husband and kids… we women judge that women more harshly then they did the man. Same action? Different response. My biggest pet peeve is when a girl’s BF cheats…the GF is enraged at the other girl! She stays with the boyfriend but wants to fight the girl?!? How does that make sense? Im not sure why we judge so much, maybe another napkin for that one? We are human and we make mistakes, but in your story the woman caught herself, and thats the beauty in this story! She changed her body and is now even stronger and more beautiful inside then she was before!
Thanks so much Liz for the thoughtful response. It is true that there is a self-defeating double standard of judgment towards women in marriage, divorce, etc.
By the way, Have done 2 series on judgment. Here is a link to one (scroll down to get past the one you just commented on) http://napkindad.com/blog/?cat=4118 and here is the other one http://napkindad.com/blog/?cat=4136
I’d have to disagree. I’ve always been rail thin and wanted to be bigger. If i’m looking it’s probably at their curves that I wish to have.
K, I understand that point of view. No doubt there are many who are in the same boat as you, wishing they had more instead of less.