When do Expectations Arrive?
When and how do we decide what we expect of ourselves? Our fitness, our looks, our money, our kindness, our giving, our status; you name it and we have expectations about it. But many of these expectations aren’t even verbalized or consciously defined. We often see expectations in hindsight better than in foresight.
I remember when I got divorced in 2000. It wasn’t until then that a great unspoken expectation for my life was shattered. I had never verbalized it or even consciously visualized it. But when it no longer had a chance of happening in the future, then I could see it clear as day. It was an image of me sitting on the porch of the family cabin, my ex-wife’s family cabin, on our 50th wedding anniversary with grandchildren playing all around me. It was sort of like I had put it on my to-do list after it was no longer possible to achieve. That was a point of frustration for me until I remarried and created new visions for my future.
Less Control
I have a good friend whose expectations of relationships and marriage have not gone according to expectations. She has said to herself in hindsight, “I expected to be married by about age 25.” but she wasn’t. On and off it’s been a focus of frustration for her.
What can she do? She can modify or get rid of the expectations. To be flexible and adaptable enough to deal with what really IS instead of what she would like the IS to be, is her best path to peace if you ask me. It’s not that there is nothing that can be done, but doing everything in her power is still not going to be enough to guarantee the outcome she wants. And that is what she has done and why she is a successful and happy woman. She isn’t without frustrations but she knows how to move past them and find the beauty and value in new visions of life.
More Control
I wanted to lose weight for quite a while. My running had got me in pretty good shape, but my nutrition and food intake was not good and as a result I weighed north of 200. I wanted to lose the weight but wanting to didn’t help me lose it.
What can I do? I can act on the expectation. I have some major control available to me. Not complete control mind you, but a fair amount. When I actually focused on my expectations, I started focusing on was acceptable for me to eat. I stuck with it and I lost weight. 24 pounds and counting after 5 months. I took action to reach my expectations.
What are you doing to reach, modify or get rid of your expectations?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Antonia Banderas, 1960 – not dead yet, Spanish Actor
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Well the picture itself represents SO many times I’ve seen girls that are very thin pulling at “fat” that isn’t there, and saying how they’d “love to lose another 5 pounds” .. and being a girl of larger size, its just kind of sickening.
The actual article is very spot on about how many of us want something, or expect it, and cannot or will not change anything until something forces their hand.
I can imagine the frustration. It is interesting how it is so individual though. I grew up with no extra weight on me so now that I am losing weight my vision of myself is that ‘no fat’ version on me from way back when. Another person may have a totally different perception of when I look fine, like I have no more to lose.
You’re right. Some people see people as too big, too thin. While others see it differently. I find society pushes us to think thinner is better, sexier, when health should really be the motivation. And for the most part, it’s not. Good post.
Thanks Roxanne, it’s a hard thing to devisualize health. Health is so connected to how we look, that it is hard to get past that. I think modern medicine does a good job at looking inside the body to see if the heart, muscles, brain, lungs…all the various systems are working well, and that helps move the debate away from the purely visual ‘you look healthy’ attitude. But there are visual indicators that are helpful and excess weight is a somewhat safe, but not foolproof, indicator that some health issues might be inside or on the horizon.
Then you add in the visual attraction element and it really gets to be a fuzzy area, not easy to navigate with confidence for many.
Sounds familiar. I’m reminded of a quote, “Life isn’t how it’s supposed to be, it’s how it is. It’s how you respond that matters”. That makes me feel better for about five minutes anyway.
I do not think I will ever get over the hump of having expectations not being met when I want. I have just chosen to ignore them and accept what life offers me. Kind of like the movie “A Beautiful Mind” where Russell Crowe (who has Schizophrenia) where he has to learn how to ignore the people he has created in his mind. He knows they will always be there, but has learn how to overcome the temptation to indulge in them.
That is a big part of discipline and maturity, isn’t it. Learning how to ignore impulses and thoughts that can be self-destructive or at least distracting.