I calculate that it’s day #2 of ‘The Prostitute’ series.
The Cost of Free
How much have your relationships cost you? We could go into the monetary side of things and calculate how much it all costs that way. Maybe a billion dollars? It seems that way at times, I am sure. But the far greater cost is the emotional cost. If you are a woman, right about now you should be asking, What? Men have emotions? Why didn’t they show them to me?”
The Ignorant Pirate
Yes, indeed men do have emotions. But it’s a lot like a treasure buried on the desert island with a shipwrecked pirate sitting on the beach. He doesn’t even know he has a treasure below him until some big storm roars in and washes away the beach, leaving the chest full of gold pieces exposed. Only then does the pirate realize it’s even there and start to figure out what to do with it. So it is with men and their emotions. Once they do realize they are there, they have to figure out which emotion is which (not nearly as easy as you might think), they aren’t sure how to give them out, who to give them too, and what sort of condition they should have for the giving, if any conditions at all.
The Cost of Complication
All this is very confusing and conflicting and draining for many men. It demands communication and thinking about feelings and what to do about them. It’s complicated, it’s painful, it’s messy. And usually the man has to be pretty competent at it before he sees much intimacy in a relationship. Men who aren’t very good at it, who struggle with it, don’t like the bargain because it doesn’t seem fair or make sense to them. They don’t get it and because they don’t get it it seems like it is costing him a lot. And that explanation doesn’t even touch on the matter of him trying to understand the woman’s emotions, which is even harder than understanding his own at times.
The Cost of Simplicity
So, what does the prostitute bring? She brings simplicity. She won’t ask for emotions he doesn’t have or know how to express or doesn’t want to listen to, and all he has to do is pay her money. In return she will satisfy at least part of his need. It might not be his long term need that is being fulfilled, but he might not really even know he HAS a long term need. What she does is fill a short term need. It’s uncomplicated. He does this simple thing, she in return does this other simple thing. Done.
Peter Pan, or The Cost of Growing Up
So, what’s wrong with this idea? It sounds like I am excusing men going to prostitutes. But I am not excusing it, I am explaining it (at least in part). The truth is, what I think is really at the heart of it all is men not facing growing up. It costs a lot to be mature and responsible and delve into emotions and feelings and hurts and hearts. Men going to prostitutes are wanting the escape to Never Never Land. They want the fun and joy and simplicity of their youth, only in the sexual arena of adult play instead of in the arena of child’s play.
Original Book Cover – 1915
The Benefits of Growing Up
Take a look at my napkin drawing. The right side, the side of the heart, is complicated. It’s got wind and clouds and sun and volcanos and textures and deep colors. The left side is simple, cartoonish. Men, do you really want to live in that simplistic world? Isn’t the world of depth actually more compelling, more invigorating, more arousing? Isn’t it actually where your senses and mind will most be stimulated, most challenged? Isn’t it where you will be most challenged as a true adult? Isn’t it where you will most likely be fulfilled? After all, it’s hard to be fulfilled living in a cartoon.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Brendan Behan, 1923 – 1964, Irish poet
Brendan Behan
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Prostitution Fact of the Day:
There is no evidence that Mary Magdalen of the New Testament was a prostitute. The unidentified woman who washes Jesus feet is not stated to be Mary anywhere in the Gospels. Evidence strongly points to her having been a leader of the disciples both before and after Jesus life. It was not until much later, when the Patriarchy of the Church established its male dominance as preeminent that Mary started being branded as a harlot.
Hugues Merle – Mary Magdalene in the Cave (1868)
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It seems as if you are suggesting that a developed heterosexual relationship is the only mature option.
If you are meaning to focus only on situations where an extant heterosexual commitment is ‘betrayed’ out of a man’s immaturity, I wonder if it cannot as well be the woman’s immaturity which catalyzes the circumstance.
Hi Anonymous, I don’t mean to imply a heterosexual relationship was the only mature option. I am just saying that if a man is seeking to escape (consciously or unconsciously) the complexity of adult relationships and how they are intertwined with sex (whether hetero or otherwise) it would make sense he might gravitate towards the simplicity of a sex for money exchange that seemingly fills that need.
So, this is intriguing – explain more about how a woman’s immaturity could catalyze the circumstance that leads to a man’s betrayal.
Hi, I just wanted to let you know that “prostitute” is not really used anymore, as it has negative connotations. We now use “full service sex worker” or “escort”. Thank you.
Hi Fiona, It does indeed have a negative connotation, no doubt. I have seen and heard ‘sex worker’ used in news reports from around the world for a while now and that does make sense in that it is more neutral. One of the reasons I did use the word ‘prostitute’ is because of people’s visceral negative reaction to it. I also used it because of it’s larger meaning of prostituting yourself in any number of other fields of career or life, which I am leading towards in my series as it moves along. The moniker ‘sex worker’ wouldn’t necessarily work in that context. Thanks for letting me know about the more appropriate words.