It would be a sin not to post Marriage #8 today.
The Man
This Italian Proverb brings up a LOT of issues. First, why is it not the opposite? Why isn’t there an Italian Proverb that says ‘If the husband sins, the wife is not innocent.’? I think it is safe to assume there isn’t a proverb like that because no one really believes it. People believe that if a man sins, (by the way, for purposes of our conversation here, sin equals adultery), he does so for his own reasons. If a man blames his wife he can pretty much assume he will be seen as an even more complete douche bag than if he has the affair and blames himself.
The Woman
So, why is the proverb about the wife? I think it taps into an assumption. The assumption is that women are better than men. They are more moral, more loyal, more faithful. So, the thinking might go that, because of this superiority, they will not easily fall into adultery just from being horny or egotistical. They won’t jump some guy just to prove they can. They have to have a better reason. And that reason is emotional. And if they have the emotional need to have sex with another man, the fault lies partly (if not completely) with the husband for not meeting her emotional needs.
Sexist or True?
So, the question is simple. In your personal experience, or in lives you have witnessed, is this proverb true? Or is it perhaps sexist to assume the woman is less responsible for her ‘sin’ than a man is? What do you think?
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Drawing and Commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote is an Italian Proverb
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Whether it will be male or female that person is responsible for their choice in committing adultery. It’s very easy to blame someone else for their poor choice. Adultery doesn’t just happen.
Yes, It’s true Michelle, it doesn’t just happen. It has to have two people who both say yes to it. At least one of those people actually has to take some action to pursue it happening. The other has to, at the least, respond to the advance and say ‘ok’. Both are guilty and responsible for their actions.
The question this quote brings up is more about how does someone get to the mindset where they do say ‘ok’. Is it just them being selfish and indulgent and greedy and they have no deficiency in their marriage that really would lead them to that, or is there something gone wrong in the marriage that lends itself to them pursuing or acquiescing to an affair?
The quote would say that, at least in the woman’s cases, there is something the man has done, or not done, that makes him partially guilty. I don’t think it’s universally true, but I do think it can be true.
I’ve known 2 adulterous women in my adult life and they were both douche bags. One did it because she just didn’t care about her husband much and wanted a good time–laughed about it. The other was resentful toward her long-term, live-in bf because a) he wouldn’t marry her and b) when he finally did agreed to marry her after a decade, he didn’t like the way she ran up his credit cards before the wedding(dishonesty). Italians on the other hand are stuck in the deadly embrace of the Saint-Madonna loop (well, more than Americans anyway).
Julie, your stories sort of prove my response to Michelle. It is not a universal that there will be blame on the part of the husband (your first example) but it is possible it can be a contributing factor to an affair (your second example). Either way the guilty party is still the one who commits the adultery, even when there is an accessory before the fact so to speak.
The woman is as responsible for her “sin” in any event.
Very true.
Wow … books could be written (or have they already?) on this. I think that women are punished in society way more than men are for cheating. Just like when a woman is raped, many times the blame is directed at her for something she did or didn’t do. At the end of the day, a contract is broken no matter the reason.
On an extended note … So if a man steps out on his woman, she is not meeting his sexual needs. If a woman steps out on her man, he is not meeting her emotional needs. It is complex. Men need sex for different reasons than women do however, as women are not “suppressed” as they were, the physical need ratio for women goes up I believe. Women are just as attracted to sex as men, however, they attach emotion and trust to it too … where men seem to be able to see it as a highly physical need first and foremost. If it’s not emotional for men, why does “sh*t hit the fan” when a woman cheats on a man? The anger, the betrayal, the lack of loyalty, the rise in testosterone? I find it perplexing that men don’t tie trust to sex until a woman cheats on them. Then it’s all about the trust. (definition of trust is in all things not just staying true).
I liked the explanation I once heard that goes like this: A woman’s emotions lead to sex, a man’s sex leads to emotions. In other words, I think men, while much more suppressed emotionally, do feel emotions, they just usually feel it as part of, or after, sex. Not leading up to it. Or at least in many cases they don’t need to feel it to want the sex.
I think most men actually do often tie trust and sex together, that’s why you hear so many destructive stories of jealous men who freak out if their female partner is given any attention in the physical/sexual plane from another man, because they think it’s about trust. But in most cases it’s not about trust, it’s about possession of the female and control over her interactions.
I think it all goes back to the days when woman were suppressed and so therefore the woman couldn’t do as wrong as her husband. In my opinion thw woman is as guilty as the man. Unless he’s not giving her the attention she needs and deserves. Interesting content.
Heather, that makes sense about a woman being much more suppressed, less ability to do wrong as well as maybe less inclination.