I got it together in time to post #3 of Dating 101
Silly Love Songs
I remember reading a Paul McCartney interview after his first wife, Linda, died. He told that through 20+ years of marriage they had only spent something like 4 days apart from each other. That’s saying something considering he was a traveling rock star. Yes, she was in Wings, but she also was a mother of young children, and an author in her own right with her own business identity. Their marriage has always been held up as a paragon of romance and love, in large part because of stories like that and Sir Paul’s inclination to write silly love songs to her. And I think that’s great.
Familiarity and Absence
But for most relationships, married or not, constant togetherness isn’t always ideal. It does a mind and body good to be independent for stretches of time. Too long obviously and the relationship can fall apart, but not enough time away from each other can be just as detrimental. The two famous cliche quotes, “Familiarity breeds contempt” and ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder” are cliches because they are repeated again and again. And they are repeated again and again because people discover them to be true again and again.
Fear of Aloneness
I often see updates on Facebook or elsewhere from a woman (in most cases) who states something akin to, “Wow, boyfriend is on a fishing trip. I don’t know what to do with myself.” When I read these things I sometimes worry about what will happen if her boyfriend and she break up? Will she know herself well enough to know what she wants to do with her time?
Courage to Keep You You
In my mind the way to avoid that issue is to never let go of what interests you and what you like to do. Always take the time to follow those interests. For example, when I go on a trip, I like, if possible, to spend an extra day dedicated to going to museums. Could I come home a day earlier to be with my wife? Yes, I could. And I miss her so it would be nice to be home. But it’s also nice to explore what I like. And it makes me a more interesting person for her to be married to. And it backs up the reality that I am an individual and will be the best individual I can be if I have a strong identity on my own. It strengthens my marriage, my relationship with my daughters and my friends, as well as my work as a blogger, artist and coach.
So, my advice? Don’t meld into cosmic oneness with your boyfriend and lose your identity. Instead lean into your boyfriend, and let him lean into you, interdependent, interesting and individual.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Victoria Billings, 1945 – not dead yet, American Journalist
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