The start of a new series on Motherhood.
Hard Moms
I always feel very sad when I hear from someone who had a mother that did not care for them as they deserved. I am not talking about moms that are a bit too controlling or a bit too demanding. I am talking about moms who abandon and abuse. It’s just really, really sad when I hear those memories come out.
Luckily it does seem they are in the minority. Most of those I know are very grateful for their mothers and what they did for them, even when there are shortcomings in them that cause hardship for us. I had that with my mother. She was an alcoholic and wasted many good years in a fog of liquor. But she became and stayed sober for 15 years before her death and that made a huge difference in the redemption our family had together. There is nothing quite as sweet as a family rebuilt and restored.
Emotional Hands
We read the quote above and look at the illustration and it seems to be about physical limitations. But what about all the emotional and psychological hands a mother needs? How many of those hands does one have available? It becomes a lot more complicated when we realize it’s not just about if they can do all the activities they need to do, but about all the emotional personas they have to deal with and be. It isn’t easy being a mom.
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Drawing and commentary © 2014 by Marty Coleman
Quote by Milton Berle, 1908-2002, American comedian
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Thanks Place, and I always appreciate knowing you are out there reading and contemplating my work. It makes a big difference in my motivation knowing people are paying attention!
Here’s the thing about parenting – Unless you are obviously doing it wrong, guess what? You are doing it right. There is no ‘one size fits all’ description of ‘right’. Are you trying? Are you self-aware, willing to adjust, adapt, change and alter your methods if they seem wrong or counter productive to you? If you are you are doing the very best a child can ask for, and that is to have a parent that is also growing and learning, just like they are. Trust me, THAT they will appreciate their entire life.
The key is this: Don’t expect to deliver perfection in your parenting, expect to deliver love.
True, Marty. (unless you are obviously doing it wrong, you are doing it right) Love that – deliver love. I’ve been struggling the past few months because of health issues. My father reminds me “taking care of you is taking care of them, too.” They are also luckily at an age where they love to play together and sometimes can for quite a long time. As a parent you just want to give them the best of you and sometimes you aren’t actually feeling like the best version of yourself.
Julie, I saw a quote today that supports your father’s idea. “The best gift you can give anyone is your own happiness”. Your health is a form of happiness, so getting yourself healthy, fit, and active as best you can is a gift to your kids. Here’s the truth. If they see you progressing from wherever you are, no matter how unhealthy, to a healthier you, as best you are able, they will see you in a positive light. They will be proud of you. They won’t be thinking about what you can’t do, or should be able to do. They will only be seeing how hard you are working to become the best you.
Believe it.
If you can’t improve your health for whatever reason, then you do what you can, finding creative ways to support and nurture them without doing the typical things you would like to do as a parent.
Do you know what I mean?
I do know what you mean. Thank you, Marty. I really appreciate what you wrote and needed to read that. Have a great Friday!
As long as I am blabbing on Julie….
Something I tell the parent age runners I coach: You aren’t just doing this so you are a fit and healthy example for your kids now, you are doing it so they will remember back when they are your age now and say, ‘Hey, if mom could run a 10k at age 50, then so can I!’ or ‘Hey, dad came back from that surgery at age 45 and ended up running a marathon. If he could overcome his obstacles at age 55 then I can overcome mine at 55 too.’
You are an example and an inspiration into their future, not just yours.
True, Marty. Thank you.
I’m so glad your had those fifteen years with your mom before she passed. I can’t imagine what it was like having a mother in a fog. I love being a mom but it is so difficult. I know when I’m failing but I also know I’m trying. I grew up with a Dad that had to be both parents (mother passed away when I was a baby) and I continue to wonder if I’m getting this right. My oldest is going to turn 5 and I have a 3 year old. This is a journery for sure. I just hope and pray that if I can do half the job my father did that these boys will have some good memories of me. Always love your posts, Marty.
Haha, I love the dog biting her foot. Hand limitations are why daddys were invented. 🙂
Good point! I probably needed an extra brain more than an extra hand raising you girls! haha