We wave goodbye to the Mothers series with drawing #4.
This is true of fathers too, by the way.
The Gift
When I left home in 1973 for college, I really left. I went to college in Ohio, then Massachusetts, then moved to Hollywood, then to more college in Southern California, then to Michigan and back to California, this time Northern. I felt confident and able to make my way in the world and that is what I did. My parents raised me so I would be able to do that. I am very grateful for that gift.
The Forgetting
But with that confidence also came a forgetfulness. I forgot how much I had, at one point, needed them, especially my mother. I wish now I had repaid that attention with attention back to her in her later years. While I visited with some regularity, it really wasn’t as much as it should have been. My mother taught me well how to cope, and how not to cope, with life. I learned invaluable lessons from her, even when she was not aware of her teaching me. I did let her know some of that, and thank her for it, as best I was even aware of it at the time. But she died when she was young, only 62, and I was deep in the middle of raising young kids at the time, not really all the way to the place where I understood the lessons so I wasn’t able to thank her as I would want to now.
The Much Sweet and The little Bitter
Now my daughters are all grown. And all of them are strong and independent and able to make their way in the world. They make their missteps just as I did, but for the most part they are more than capable of correcting the misstep and moving on. They like hearing from me and they probably call me more than I call them. But they don’t need me the way they once did. A little bittersweet but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
The joy of seeing someone who once knew nothing of how to cope with the world navigate through it with class and intelligence is a heart-filling thing for a parent. I think it is probably easier for me, maybe as a man, maybe just as me, I am not sure, than it is for their mothers. But even though it might be harder, I know it makes them so very proud to see their daughters strong and capable, able to move forward on their own, just as it does me as well.
What is your story of letting go of your mother or your child? Was it easy, hard? How did you do it?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Barbara Kingsolver, 1955 – not dead yet, American author
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What a nice tribute to both your parents and your daughters! For me, my father did an amazing job at raising my sister and I. Learned at an early age how to survive if something were to ever happen to him. Both of us are and have always been quite independent. At this point I probably rely on him more than I need to but it is purely to keep the connection and closeness. I love to ask his opinion and hear what he has to say even though my decision has already been made. I just love and value the relationship and want to take full advantage while it is still here. Perhaps it will be for years to come but you also never know when life will be cut short. Like your daughters, Marty, I call my father more than he calls me. (for the most part!)
Hope you have a great Thursday!
Excellent perspective as usual, Marty.
Our 25 & 21 year olds are still home – and do lean on us to some degree. Their university was only a 2 hour drive away, although the oldest spent a semester in Brussels. We are probably overdue to be a little more pro-active in forcing the older one – the daughter to be more independent. I am not too worried, though. She is working in a decent job and has a wonderful boyfriend of six years who has a healthy entrepreneurial spirit. My son is gung-ho with what he is doing, too.
As for myself, I can’t say I was less coddled than the average kid in our suburban Connecticut town of that era, but I do say my mother greatly helped instil the self-confidence I had to leave home when a job offer came in Illinois – and to move on to California just for the heck of it, when the Illinois job ended – and to continue on up here in a foreign country when I wanted to settle down with the love of my life. Perhaps, I was naively self-confident, but I think my life turned out pretty nicely.