I hope you haven’t had your fill yet, because today is only day #2 of ‘The Extrovert and Introvert’ series.
Raised by Extroverts
I was raised by two extroverts. My mother was a loud laughing broad who likened herself to Lucille Ball, even if she did look more like Jackie O. My father was the smooth charmer who could work a room like no other. My sisters and I are pretty much the same. We aren’t overly self-conscious and we make friends easily. We certainly wouldn’t be called shy by any stretch of the imagination.
I Married an Introvert
So, when I married my first wife, Kathy, I really had no idea what shyness and introversion were all about. I didn’t understand being self-conscious. I simply had very little exposure to what it was and how it affected people. Kathy was pretty shy. As a matter of fact, she probably was the shyest person I had ever met when we first crossed paths in 1977 at UCSB. It wasn’t until 2 years later, in San Francisco, that we met again and started dating. We were married within the year and my journey of discovery started.
I didn’t pay nearly enough attention to what it was all about and as a result Kathy suffered quite a bit. I was not aware of what she was going through, and when I was, I more often than not blew her feelings off as not being valid. After all, in my mind, what was there to be shy or self-conscious about, right? It just seemed ridiculous to me. That obliviousness to her and how her mind worked, that judgment I had about it without really understanding it, were contributing factors in our divorce 20 years down the road.
I Married an Introvert, Again!
Fast forward a number of years and I marry Linda. Linda isn’t shy. She isn’t at my level of extroversion, but she is comfortable and easy going in social situations. But I learned something very important this time around. Just because someone is able to socialize, doesn’t mean it is easy. I found out that Linda has to work hard to socialize. She works a room and it is what it says it is, work. She is tired and exhausted after socializing. It wears her down. She needs down time after it. I respect that and we live a life that allows for that rejuvenation to take place as often as possible.
They Married an Extrovert
If it was and is hard for me dealing with being married to introverts, it was and is equally hard for them to be married to an extrovert. I make friends with baristas, waiters, people I happen to run next to in a strange town (yes, I mean actually running down a street and meeting another runner), and random people on the internet who live around the globe in Slovenia or Australia or Korea or who knows where. It isn’t a chore for me to make friends. I like it. It makes me happy. I am not tired after a long day of socializing, I am usually ready for more.
I sometimes will tell Linda a story about someone I met and something they are going through, and she will stop me and ask, “How exactly do you know them again?” My response will most likely be along the lines of, “I am not sure, I think I met them on Flickr, maybe back in 2006, or maybe I was in the lawn mower repair place. Oh wait, I think they were on that bus in Florida that time in 2009, remember?” She’ll look at me with that look that that says, ‘I am exhausted just listening to how you met this person, much less hearing the rest of this story.’
Who We Are
I think what both Kathy and Linda eventually learned was that this ease and love I have for socializing and making friends is not part of a secret agenda on my part, any more than their reticence to socialize was part of some agenda on their part. It’s simply what feeds me and what feeds them. None of us are the same, and neither are our offspring. We are on a social continuum, not in one camp or the other, like sparring political parties. That’s always good for me to remember.
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Quote, drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
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