I hate it when…
I don’t understand how people can…
Why don’t they just…
When I am in an annoyed mood I can often catch myself starting thoughts with those words. Or I might say to myself, If only people didn’t have such destructive and dangerous habits. If only they could control themselves. Don’t they know they could have a better life if only they didn’t do that, or did do this?
When do I say these things in my head? When I am most annoyed with myself. I am running late, I forgot to do something at work, I completely forgot an important appointment. And now I am driving through traffic yelling at slow drivers, or I am fuming at someone at my keyboard, wanting to write an email to tell them off because they did this thing they always do that is SO annoying.
But when do I look at myself? All the time actually. I see my ‘flaws’ my bad habits, my shortcomings. And what do I do? Well, sometimes I change them. I’ve had some success, for example I stopped drinking 26 years ago and never looked back. That’s pretty good, right? But for every thing I have addressed there are other things I have not, or if I have, it was only after years and decades of avoiding facing them and even when I did, it was more realization and mild adaption than it was a complete change.
Why don’t I yell and scream at myself? Because I forgive myself. Because I know my motives are good. I know I am trying and that makes me feel ok about it. And when I am at my best I have that attitude towards others as well. They deserve my sympathy and forgiveness, just like I give myself. They deserve to not be judged, but understood.
But when I am not at my best I question their motives. I question their commitment. I question their true desire to change. They are just skating along, not trying, not caring, not worrying. They don’t deserve my sympathy or forgiveness, they deserve my judgment since I understand how pathetic they are being.
And that gets me where exactly? It gives my ego a false boost that doesn’t last. It gives me a self-righteousness that is dangerous and isn’t deserved and it gives me a way to avoid caring about people who need care.
And those things suck, do no one any good, and do not make you feel better about yourself. The more I am able to practice sympathy, understanding, listening, forgiveness, humility, the less I will practice judgment and condemnation.
And this is the truth – we become what we practice.
© 2019 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com