Bible People

Because I draw in church I sometimes find myself drawing a bible story. As should be obvious, I don’t try to hew close to any literal accuracy. I do this for two reasons, first I don’t think the literalness of the bible stories is anywhere near the most important element. In fact, in many, if not most cases, I think a literal interpretation blinds oneself to the lessons the stories are meant to impart. And second, I am just too creative to worry about it while I am in the middle of drawing.

Here are some New Testament stories with the exception of the first one which is Ms. Eve from the Old Testament

EVE WITH GLASSES

Eve with Glasses

Eve wasn’t real. Neither was Adam. They were created to teach about how and why humans could be bad. It was a so so explanation for a while but then we got smarter and realized we shouldn’t go blaming Eve for anything. I mean, who puts a beautiful fruit tree in the middle of a garden and then tells the people not to eat from it with no explanation as to why? In the end I believe she was just a curious woman who wasn’t afraid to try new things.

JESUS, MARY and JOSEPH

Jesus, Mary and Joseph

The story goes that Mary and Joseph had a run of really bad luck and ended up having to have their first child on a bunch of straw surrounded by cows. But I don’t draw cows so well so they are surrounded by a dog and a cat instead, which I can draw pretty well. I drew them in the middle of the path because you know how pregnancies go, the kid is going to come out when it’s going to come out.

THE BAD CHICK

The Bad Chick

The story here is that a bunch of religious control freaks brought this woman to Jesus as a test. They told him she had sex and not with her husband and that meant she should be stoned, and not in the good way. If Jesus said, ‘Fine, go ahead and stone her.’ then he would lose a lot of followers who saw him as a champion of sinners. If he said, ‘Nope, don’t do it.’ Then they could claim he wasn’t obeying Judaic Law and have him thrown in jail as a false teacher. So he, being the wily dude that he was, sat down, scrawled around in the dirt for a while then said ‘Hey, if you don’t have any sin yourself, go ahead, stone her.’ This was a problem because then they would be setting themselves up to be perfect and to not need the law, which would not be a good look for them. So they all went away grumbling to themselves until it was just Jesus and this woman hanging around. He then simply told her she was free to go but best to not sin anymore. He didn’t say anything more but I suspect he might have added, ‘because if you get caught again I may not be around to push back against these idiots and then what will you do? Oh, and prostitution is demeaning and dangerous so come join our group instead if you want. We’ll feed and clothe you and you will be safe.’

THE EAR CHOPPER AND THE NAKED RUNNER

The Ear Chopper and the Naked Runner

This story usually is all about Peter, a guy always seeming to be itching for a fight, getting in an actual fight. A fight so bad he actually cut off a guy’s ear. Of course the bible doesn’t actually say it was Peter but we all know Peter and he definitely has an ear chopper vibe about him. Jesus was being arrested at the time and whoever it was was thinking they were all going to fight to keep that from happening so he struck the first blow and plop, there went the poor centurion’s ear. Jesus stepped in and stopped any more violence by touching the guy’s ear and making it not chopped off and both sides calmed down. Miracles will do that to a crowd. But there is another part of this story that never gets talked about in church, probably because it involves a naked person, which is never something the church wants to talk about.

Anyway, in the Gospel of Mark 14:51 there is an addendum to this story. “A young man, wearing nothing but a linen garment, was following Jesus. When they seized him, he fled naked, leaving his garment behind.” I decided that I would illustrate that along with the ear chop. Any excuse for me to draw a naked person, ya know?

THE CRUCIFIXION

The Crucifixion

Nothing funny about this one. Jesus and two other guys are nailed to three crosses and left to die in the brutal, hot sun. The centurions mock him, beat him, smash thorns down over his head and spear him in the side. And they throw lots to see who gets his clothes. Brutal all around. Brutal for Jesus but brutal for his mom and followers (mostly women) who stayed around when he was arrested, tried and convicted and then went with him as he climbed up to Golgotha to be executed. His male followers, by the way, had all fled from the Garden the night before and were nowhere to be seen. It all around sucked.

REMOVING THE NAILS

This isn’t in the bible stories but the nails had to be taken out somehow by someone so I thought I would illustrate it. Since it was the women who went with him from the cross to the tomb I figure it had to be one of those women who took the nails out. Most likely it was one of the three Marys, either his mother Mary, his disciple Mary Magdalene or Mary his friend (and sister of Martha). Whoever did it, it had to be a horrible job that would scar the person forever.

Removing the Nails

THE RESURRECTION

Mary Magdelene at the Tomb

Once again, it’s the women who are essential to the story. Jesus was crucified on Friday which meant they couldn’t ritually cleanse and prepare the body for proper burial until after Sabbath, which would be Sunday Morning. John says it was Mary Magdalene all by herself who came and saw the tomb was empty. Matthew says it was Mary and the other Mary who came and was surprised to find the tomb empty. Mark says it was 3 women, Mary, Mary and Salome, who arrived to find it empty. And Luke says it was a group of women who arrived to find it empty.

Three Women at the Tomb

However it happened the story is the tomb was empty and Jesus was resurrected from the dead. Little did these women know what would come of this story.

Doubting Thomas

Different Apostles have different personalities that come out in these stories. One of the best in my view is Thomas, who then and forever more became the patron saint of doubters (no, I don’t know if he really is that, but he should be). Why? Because he didn’t believe the other disciples when they said they had seen Jesus alive after he had died. Thomas did what any self-respecting skeptic would do and said, ‘Nope, sorry. Ain’t believin’ that whopper of a tale. Let me see him and put my finger in that nasty stab wound in his side that shoulda killed him. Then I will believe.’ So the story goes that that is exactly what happened soon thereafter. It had to have been pretty gruesome I am sure but it convinced Thomas and it couldn’t have hurt Jesus any worse than the original stab wound. Would you be a skeptic who needed to see, or would you not need proof, faith being enough?

There are tons of other stories of course but this is what you got for now. What do you think?

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