Have you ever done one of those tests to see if you are colorblind? It shows a whole series of dot in various colors. If you aren’t colorblind you can see a number appear amid the dots. If you are colorblind, you can’t. Why is that? Because your eye’s retinal cones aren’t developed properly and so the color doesn’t register with the brain. In other words, you couldn’t see that color even if you wanted to.
The history of art is filled with examples of the artist trying to fool your eye. As a matter of fact, there is an entire genre of art called ‘Fool The Eye’, better known by it’s French translation, ‘trompe l’oeil’. The goal is to make you think you see something that, in fact, is not what you actually see.
Pere Borrell del Caso, Escaping Criticism, 1874
Andrea Mantegna, Oculus (window to the sky), Palazzo Ducale, La Camera degli Sposi (The Wedding Chamber), (1467?-1474)
Surrealism
Another movement in art that uses the mind’s initial inability to comprehend is Surrealism. Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte are two who come to mind. There goal isn’t to fool you into thinking you see something you don’t. It’s to see one thing, then another and not easily understand how or why they go together. It’s that visual and mental dance of confusion that gives the art it’s power.
Salvador Dali – Three Sphinxes of Bikini – 1947
Rene Magritte, Empire of Light, 1950
What is Possible
The whole point of these and other works of art is to make you think about what it is you are seeing. To be fooled or confounded or challenged.
It’s telling about artists that so many like to fool us. Artists are great at challenging our pre-conceived notions of what is art, what is real, what is good, what is beautiful. Unfortunately, many of us respond to not immediately understanding something we see by cutting off our curiosity, our wonder, our open-mindedness. We judge and are done.
But if one is willing, in art and in life, to experience rather than judge, to allow for confusion and the unknown instead of demanding all answers immediately, then the rewards can be great.
Among the rewards are delight in discovering new ideas, enlightenment about how others see the world and inspiration for your own creative journey. And those rewards are definitely worth it in my book. How about you?
At first I thought this quote was perfect for my ‘Mind Image’ series. Then after I drew the drawing I started to think it was somewhat pedestrian. Then I got it. It isn’t pedestrian, it’s understated. I can just imagine a upper crust British actor saying this in a period movie as Galileo is being tried for heresy or Socrates is forced to drink hemlock.
Religion
History shows us the consequences of new ideas in religion can be extreme. One need look no farther than Jesus as an example. He was crucified because of the threat his new religious ideas had on the established religion and the established government of the day. And there have been millions more over the centuries who have suffered and died because the threat their ideas pose to someone else.
Science
The process of proving something in science often starts with an individual having an idea that something may not be as it seems and starts to investigate. As he or she investigates their ideas are not yet fully proven and are often met with skepticism and distrust. Luckily, science has a built in mechanism, the scientific method, that eventually allows ideas to prove themselves. The recent proof of the existence of gravitational waves proving Einstein’s 100+ year old theory that they exist is a great example.
Art
Name an art movement and it probably started by being disparaged and attacked by the people involved with the more established art movements at the time. Sometimes even the movements’ names often started as a cut. Fauvism (Wild Beasts) was the dismissive name given to Henri Matisse’s art movement of 1905. Impressionism got it’s name when a critic took it from a title of a Monet painting (Impression: Sunrise) and wrote a satirical negative review of their first exhibition. In fact most art movements tend to take shape in rebellion against a prior movement. Pop followed Abstract Expressionism. Pre-Raphaelites rebelled against Raphael and the Mannerists who followed him.
Open Mind
It’s not likely you, or anyone, has a completely open mind. I know I don’t. We end up believing certain ideas and it’s hard to let go of them, no matter how open minded we are. So, how do we keep as open a mind as possible? Well, the goal, for me at least, isn’t to have a completely open mind. It’s to have a mind that holds on lightly to ideas. It doesn’t mean I don’t believe them, but it means I am willing to accept the possibility that a new idea might come along that changes my mind. I don’t grab new ideas willy nilly just because they are new. But I do allow my mind to consider new ideas before I judge them.
Notice the quote does not say ‘Negative thoughts’. It says ‘A negative mind’ instead. That is because we all have negative thoughts and negative thoughts aren’t always bad. What is bad is when those negative thoughts become so predominant that one’s entire mind becomes negative. When your every response is negative. When your every judgment is negative. When your every decision is negative. Then you have become trapped. You have become automatic. And the automatic negative mind has no bridge to reach anything positive.
Starting Slow
So, how do you overcome this? You make the smallest of positive decisions. I have a friend online who has decided to do a half marathon later this year. She hasn’t run in over 2 years. My advice, and the advice of any reputable running coach? Start slow. Don’t try to run 13.1 miles tomorrow. don’t even try to run 1.31 miles tomorrow. Just get out and run 100 yards. Maybe do another 100 yards. Walk a lot. work up to greater distance, faster pace, etc. Have a plan, maybe a running buddy to hold you accountable.
The Plan
The same is true with our minds. Don’t make some grand proclamation that you are only going to be positive from now on. You know that isn’t realistic. What is realistic is when the next moment arrives where you have to make a choice on being negative or positive, choose positive. Maybe it’s complimenting food instead of critiquing it. Maybe it’s appreciating a view from your car instead of cursing the traffic. Something small, something you can actually do. Make a plan to do it with some regularity. Tell a friend what you are working on, maybe they will join you.
What Training Is
Then do it again. Little by little, as each moment arrives, you choose the positive as best you can. There will be times you won’t choose to be positive, just as in training for a race there will be days you will choose to skip a workout or shorten a run. That doesn’t mean you have failed, it means you are in training. Training means ups and downs, discoveries and doldrums, greats strides and pride, great feelings of failure. But training isn’t about success. Training is about practicing for success later on.
Success in Life
And what is success in life? It’s having lived a positive one. And you become what you practice.
Allison is up early. I can tell because she has answered my message from the night before asking if we are still on for today. The time she answers is 5:22 am. I am up at about 5:25 am and see her response. An early bird like me. That’s cool.
I always wonder what people do who get up that early. I know what I do: coffee making, exercise doing (sometimes), dog feeding, contest entering, kitchen cleaning, art making, news reading. But others? I usually think they are doing more momentous things. Some out of this world exercise routine that lasts for an hour and sculpts them into Greek Gods and Goddesses maybe? Perhaps they are making every meal for every person in their house for the entire week. Or they could be answering the 200 international emails from overnight, solving world problems and arranging to solve more.
Is Allison doing any of those things? I decided to ask. She doesn’t answer. Maybe she is busy doing one of those epic things I mentioned or maybe she went back to bed like I am inclined to do.
1:36pm, May 20th, 2015
Instead I decide to look through the photos I took the first time we met. It was at Philbrook Museum of Art here in Tulsa, Oklahoma in May of 2015. She worked there at the time. I had decided to do some blog profiles of local artists and she was one of the more interesting I had come across. She was a curator, a single mom, and an artist with a distinct style.
Allison and me at ‘La Villa’, the restaurant at Philbrook Museum of Art
She had just changed jobs from being an preparator (someone who gets the artwork and gallery space ready for exhibition) to being a fundraiser. Even though both jobs are in the same museum, it’s like going from being a blue collar warehouse worker to a white collar office worker. It’s going from jeans and tool belts to dresses and high heels. She talks extensively about the transition, how her background and her heart prepared her to be a preparator and fundraising is a brand new challenge tapping into a whole new range of skills she has or needs to acquire. It’s a challenge but very interesting and exciting.
We talked extensively about a very difficult childhood. It’s one that scarred her but also, maybe because of, maybe in spite of, instilled in her a unflappable vision of who she is and an equally fierce determination of who she wants to become.
This is evident by her current situation. She is a full-time worker, a full-time mother to 2 young children and a part-time artist whose bedroom doubles as her studio. She is not making any excuses. She is an artist and she is going to be one, even if that means she paints in her small bedroom.
While we were there we walked around the museum. I asked her which art piece was her favorite and she led me here. This is her very favorite piece of art in the entire world.
Allison with Milton Avery’s ‘Child with Doll’
Here is a better view of it.
Child with Doll, 1944 – oil on canvas – Milton Avery
It resonates with her deeply on many levels. For her it’s more than a child and doll. It’s a mother and child, it’s love, it’s family, it’s emotion in art. It’s always an honor to have someone show me their favorite piece of art, something profound and sacred about it for me.
Our plan was to meet up again at her studio to take a look at her work and finish up the interview. That doesn’t happen for a variety of reasons. I moved on to other projects and she did as well.
9:05pm, January 29th, 2016
Fast forward 7+ months and she contacts me saying she is no longer at Philbrook and is wondering if I want to meet again and update the interview. She is now a full-time artist she says. I really want to hear how this came about and get a chance to see her artwork. We plan to meet in a week.
5:25am, February 5th, 2016
Ah, she responds to my question about getting up early.
“I’ve always been a morning person, but when I’m in a super creative space, I am motivated to get up and get at it! This morning I’ve been reading a feminist blog I follow, doing some religious research, and was getting ready to start yoga but both of my sweet babies just crashed my bed!!!!!”
So, basically she was doing epic stuff.
10:08am, February 5th, 2016
I call her, lost. After having picked up her Soy Latte and my Caffe Mocha I have trusted my GPS and am now facing a ditch digger in an apartment driveway. I tell her I am facing the ditch digger. She kindly directs me to her apartment, which is in a different complex seemingly unknown to google maps, where I can see her waving from her 3rd floor balcony. Success!
We sit and catch up for a while. She is no longer at Philbrook. She took a giant leap of faith 3 month prior, after she got a very sizable commission for a painting, and left her employer to become a full-time artist. I am intrigued and want to know more about this.
Philbrook is an incredible museum. She was honored to work there. And she tried as hard as she could, but she hated being a fundraiser. It was causing her a crazy amount of stress, so much so she was being adversely affected physically and psychologically. She had to talk to someone about it and through that counseling was able to get a clearer idea of what was actually happening. What was happening? She was doing what others wanted, not what she wanted. She was fulfilling someone else’s dream of being a respected insider patron of the arts, with all the prestige and glamour that went along with it.
Philbrook at Sunset
We all do some things because other people want us to, but when it is your entire life you are designing for someone else instead of yourself, it quickly can become toxic and dangerous to your well-being. That is what was happening to her and it had come to a breaking point. She took a leave of absence to figure things out and finally, when a large commission made it feasible, she made the break towards the end of 2015. All she wanted to do was paint.
12:22 pm, February 5th, 2016
When someone makes a change this dramatic it is usually followed by other changes. And she made some serious changes. Changes like cutting her hair and going back to her natural hair color, becoming a more committed feminist, growing deeper in her religious beliefs and practices, and becoming an entrepreneurial artist/business woman. Three of those things it seemed she just naturally gravitated towards with her new found freedom. But the third, being both an artist and a business woman, was gravitation by necessity. She was now going to have to make her living as an artist, no fall back job, no fall back paycheck, no fall back, period. Scary. And exhilarating.
And where is she doing this painting? In her bedroom. In her small bedroom. On large canvases much taller than her and bigger than her bed.
And that is where she is now. She is in her studio. A studio that happens to have a soft horizontal surface with warm blankets where she can sleep. But where it is doesn’t matter. What matters is she is doing it. She is doing commissions, having exhibitions, hustling to make her dream come true. She is making art.
She paints in a very free expressionist style. If she is not doing a commission then she is not planning a canvas out in advance. She goes with what moves her. In this case she has a canvas that was given to her by her grandmother, also an artist, who is moving to Florida. The canvas had already been worked and so there are considerations. How much does she keep, how much does she cover? There is a extra layer of canvas her grandmother has put over the top 5th of the canvas. What to do with that? There are horizontal lines drawn in pencil. Does she use those or get rid of them? This is the same grandmother who really wanted her to have that job as a fundraiser more than Allison did.
This is not easy. The canvas is filled with emotion, memory and heritage even before she starts. She is filled with fight, self-determination, independence, rebellion, hesitancy. She is confronted.
She decides to do what she has set her sails to do. She is going on her journey, not her grandmother’s. She grabs the white paint, stuck shut, and uses all her strength to open it.
Then she makes her move.
During my visit we did a periscope live video interview where Allison tells about her life and her art. Here it is.
If you would like to find out more about Allison and her art, perhaps purchase a piece or commission her to create something for you, you can find her at her website http://allisonkeim.com
The quote on my last ‘Body Image’ drawing was, “Loving your body only when it is in perfect shape is like loving your kids only when they are well-behaved.” While we were discussing the quote on Periscope (@thenapkindad) I realized I could switch out the word body for mind and the quote would still make sense and still be important. One’s body image is important, right? And so is one’s ‘Mind Image’.
What We Think Of How We Think
This can make a huge difference in our daily approach to life. For example, let’s say you think a lot of fearful thoughts. A few questions arise. Do you realize how much you think in fearful terms? Are you aware of how many stories you tell yourself about the past, present and future that have fear at their roots? It seems the answer would be “yes, obviously I am aware of that.” But that isn’t necessarily true.
Our Family Story
Have you ever heard a grown up tell a story, or perhaps you have told it, about when you first realized every family wasn’t like your family? That moment you realized not every family had the same rules as you, or the same discipline, or the same food. It was a revelation, right? Same is true with how we think. If you are raised with fear being the response your parents have to the world, then you could easily think fearfully and think everyone else must think fearfully as well. This could continue well into adulthood. There will probably come a time when you realize your fearful way of thinking isn’t shared by everyone else, but maybe not.
Mind Image
That is what I mean by Mind Image. it’s how you see your own mind and how it thinks. It’s watching it in the mental mirror just the same way as you see your body in the physical mirror. The difference is there isn’t one mental mirror like there can be one physical mirror. There can be many mental mirrors, both within yourself and without.
What To Do About It
It’s one of the best reasons to have good friends and family that you trust who will be honest about how they see you. I don’t mean you have to agree with how they see you, but it’s nice to know they are looking out for you and will tell you if they think your thinking seems to be off in some way. Maybe they notice you are being especially fearful and will ask you about it. Or maybe they will sense you are thinking depressed or anxious thoughts way more than you used to. If you don’t have that circle of trusted people, perhaps you have a therapist or a pastor or someone else who is paying attention.
Coach
I think of it like having a coach. Ever notice in sports that even those that are at the top of their games have coaches? Serena Williams, the most accomplished tennis player of her generation, has a coach. Lebron James, the greatest basketball player of his generation, has a coach. They have someone who can see what they are doing in ways they can’t see themselves.
The same is true with our mental game. Having someone who can watch and respond, help you see yourself more clearly, is of immense value in life. I am not simply talking about someone you talk to when you are in crisis. I am talking about someone to have by your side no matter what shape your mind is in. Waiting until a crisis arrives to let someone see how you feel or what you are thinking can often be too late. Having someone all the time is the key.
Do you have such a person or people? How have they helped you?
This week a vile thing happened to a friend of mine. Kristen Howerton is a Blogger and Professor in Southern California. She and her husband have 4 children. Two of them are adopted African-American boys and two of them are daughters born to them. Kristen and her husband are both white, of european descent. I know her professionally as a fellow blogger and have followed her for years.
Here is a screenshot of her twitter page @kristenhowerton
The Attack
Recently a white supremacist, Lana Kokteff, posted a Youtube video in which she used several photos and videos of Kristen and her family without her permission. She did this to mock and condemn Kristen’s attempts to make sure her sons were not isolated from their African-American heritage.
As a result of this video Kristen received a slew of tweets attacking her and her family in the most vile way possible. Not just disgusting words but manipulating images of her sons and daughters to say these things.
She in turn started reporting these people to twitter and asked her friends to do the same. I am asking you to do this as well.
Trust me, I would not request this of standard boorish, ignorant behavior. This is well beyond that, as you will see if you go to her twitter feed. It’s not pretty. It is ugly, vile, disgusting, perverse and beyond the pale.
Periscope
You can see the Periscope live streaming video I did yesterday discussing this topic. The discussion was quite intense.
What You Can Do
Here is what you can do. Go to her twitter feed, @KristenHowerton, and scroll down until you get to the offending tweets. Kristen has retweeted them so you might see a retweet, not the original. That is ok. reporting the retweet will actually report the original tweet. You will be reporting anonymously so there is no need to worry about the attack going your way.
Remember, do not report a tweet if the person is simply disagreeing with Kristen. While you may disagree with that person’s statement, it is not likely to lead to the person being blocked or the tweet being removed. Look for the tweets that say things that are harassing, attacking, threatening, malicious. Don’t worry, they are not hard to find. When you see them click the ‘…’ at the bottom of the tweet. Click Report. There will be a series of questions asking why you want to report the tweet. Go through the questions until the end and click done. It takes a bit of time, but it is worth it.
Here are the choices I made, even for the tweets with images since the images themselves were for the purpose of harassing in my opinion.
The Goal
Kristen has requested you not engage in discussions with those who sent the offensive tweets, it gives them publicity and escalates the conflict. The goal is to have their accounts suspended and to stop the harassment, not get them more riled up.
The Virus Among Us
It is disheartening to see this sort of filth in 2016. But some in my scope and elsewhere have said, “You will always have racism and racists.” When I hear that I always get the distinct impression that the unsaid next sentence is “So don’t try to fight them.” That to me is like saying “We will always have viruses so don’t try to fight them.”
Racism, sexism, ageism…these are terrible viruses among us. They aren’t to be ignored, they are to be fought. If remnants remain, so be it. But that doesn’t mean you don’t fight.
Thank you and feel free to share this post to gather more to fight the virus.
Yesterday, while I was drawing this, we were having a discussion on Periscope when someone unknown to me, or the #NapkinKin (our tribe) who were watching the scope, came in. He proceeded to say he was depressed and suicidal. I had a feeling he was a troll but I took it seriously anyway, doing my best to give him reasons to live. Others in the scope immediately helped out, giving suicide hotline numbers, explaining that they too suffered from depression and anxiety, and in general trying to help. It was amazing to be a part of it. It really made me love my #NapkinKin tribe more than ever before. He was in only a short time before he said an ominous “Goodbye…”
Mind and Body
I have no idea who he was or what he was about. I hope if he was serious we helped and if he wasn’t he will mature and not do such stupid things. But it doesn’t really matter for the sake of this discussion. The reason I mention it is because we then realized we could substitute ‘mind’ or ‘brain’ in place of ‘body’ in the quote and it would be the same.
Loving Doesn’t Equal OK
Loving our bodies, or our minds, is not the same as saying everything about our bodies or minds are perfect and no change is needed, just as with a misbehaving child. You aren’t going to tell the child that because you love them even when they misbehave that that means their behavior is ok. It’s not ok and you will likely find a punishment for them as a result. That is not the same as not loving them. As a matter of fact, it actually is evidence that you do love them (as long as the punishment is not abusive and hateful).
The same is true with your bodies and minds. If you have an issue with weight that precludes you from living a healthy life, then you are loving your body when you take action to reduce the weight. If it isn’t about weight but about bad skin, or no muscle tone, or bad acne, or a disease or illness, or something else, you are loving your body when you take action to remedy the situation as best you can. Loving yourself doesn’t mean you don’t know some areas need to change.
Evaluation vs Judgment
And so it is with our minds or our behaviors. I can love my mind while still realizing my predilection towards procrastination and avoidance needs work. I can still love my mind while still realizing my hot temper or anxiety or depression or ADHD or any number of things needs to be addressed.
The key in all of it is honestly evaluating who you are WITHOUT judging and condemning who you are. Evaluation is neutral. It says ‘this is an issue and I will address it’. Judgment is morally condemning. It says, ‘I am stupid for letting myself get fat.’ or ‘I am worthless because I can’t focus on something long enough to accomplish it.’ or ‘I hate myself because I can’t stop drinking.’
How Different Would It Be?
How different would you see yourself if you loved yourself no matter what? How different would your progress in whatever area you need or want progress in be if you allowed yourself an honest evaluation of yourself instead of condemning judgment?
You might think this quote is backwards. That the mind is what listens to your body, not the other way around, and you would be right. But the larger truth is that it is not a one way conversation. It’s not a monolog, it’s a dialog. Your body listens to what you say and think. Think negatively and your body will respond to that over time. Be hypochondriacal and your body will find a way to show you more and more things ‘wrong’ with you.
Positive Realism
One the other hand, speak and think positively about your body where it is at right now and you are helping your body. Positive doesn’t mean delusional. It does no good to say to your body “You are in GREAT shape body, good job!” if your body is in terrible shape, right? It’s about stating the truth to your body. “Body, we are here now, in this shape, at this age, in this condition.” The key is to not follow that statement with this one, “And body, because you are in this shape, I hate you, blame you and am giving up on you.” Just say the first sentence and do away with the judgment of the second sentence. Once you say the first sentence, but avoid the second, to your body, then you can move forward and transform or maintain your body as you wish. No judgment mean no negativity, just positive realism. And that starts with speaking truth to yourself, both your mind and your body.
What do you think? Does your body listen to your mind?
Have you ever seen two people whose faces are so different from each other that when their photographs are shown side by side they both look really strange, maybe even ugly? Their head shape, the placement and proportions of their facial features, their hair, their coloring, their skin are so different that it’s a jarring visual juxtaposition when it occurs.
If we happen to be one of those two people we can easily start to compare ourselves. Her forehead is smoother and rounder than mine. My eyes are so much closer together than hers. Her neck is smoother. My lips are thinner. And the list goes on.
What I think is surprising is it’s usually both people that feel that, not just one. The thin blonde looks with envy at the curvy brunette while the curvy brunette wishes she was thin like the blonde. The freckled one looks wishes she had the golden tan of the other while the golden girl wishes she had the fair skin of the freckled one.
Here are two videos that show off how different we all look from one another and how, when we compare beauty to beauty we end up seeing most everyone as ugly at some point. Why is that? First is one with famous celebrities
The second is of non-famous women
Getting Past
So, how do you get past this dilemma? By seeing yourself clearly. Not for who you are not, but for who you are, who you are made up of and how who you are fits together so well. And if there is something you want to change, resist judging yourself negatively. Instead evaluate and make a plan. Body too big? Make a plan. Hair too drab? Make a plan. Character too immature? Make a plan.
You are under your own control. You see your beauty when you see yourself clearly. And that is when you will see everyone else as more and more beautiful as well.
How much does your soul weigh? Your personality? How about your character? Does your Passion weigh anything? What about your intelligence, how heavy is that? Have you ever had your sense of humor weighed at the Doctor’s office? Is there a spot on the medical chart for the weight of your love, commitment, insight, compassion, mercy, tenderness, diligence, patience, opinions, wisdom, spirituality?
The Friend
I have a long time friend in another country who has a lot of very long distance online relationships. By ‘very’ I mean, other country, other language, thousands of miles away type distance. She has been unsuccessful in turning any of these into permanent, in person relationships. But she keeps trying.
The Lie
Recently she had a one year online relationship via text, Facebook, Skype and email, with a man. She planned to visit him in his home country. But there was a problem. She knew he liked thin, ‘sporty’ (her word) type women. She used to be thin and sporty, but now she had gained some weight and did not fit into that category. She was afraid if he knew, he would reject her. She was hoping that if she could meet him he would overcome his dislike for her extra weight because of his admiration and attraction to all the rest of her. So she sent him photos of herself back when she fit that look. When he wanted to see her now she sent photos of her face and some of her more attractive parts (not nude) but none of all of her.
When they Skyped she didn’t reveal her body shape, just her face. She tried to hide herself. He was suspicious and told her she didn’t seem to look the same as she used to. She told him that she still looked ‘good’, he would see. But she was nervous he wouldn’t approve. She went to the gym, lost some weight, not much. Not enough in her mind.
The Truth
After a year of long distance communication; detailed, intimate, truthful, deep communication where they told each other all about themselves, their dreams, their hopes, their desires, they finally met in person when she went on vacation to his home country. And sure enough, according to her telling of the story, within ten minutes he had lost interest. She said he was a gentleman, wasn’t rude, but that she could tell he had made up his mind about her. They spent some time together. She remembers being incredibly self-conscious in the coffee house when they first met. She didn’t want to take off her coat because he would see her big (her word) arms, legs, hands. She knew her breasts look great, but she knew that wasn’t enough by any means. The rest of her did not look like he was lead to believe.
She came back to her home country devastated. He was kind, told her they would still be friends, but that he wasn’t interested romantically. She wants now to know why. Is it due to her extra weight or is it just no chemistry? I told her in my opinion, based on what she said his reactions and words have been over the year when discussing weight, that it probably was weight.
Goal
She said her goal now is to get back in shape, lose the weight, go back to his country and see what he thinks. I have told her instead that the best idea is to get in shape for herself, for her confidence. She agreed.
The life of long distance relationship building is a hard life to navigate through. People naturally want to hide their defects and show off their best parts. She showed her face but because she was embarrassed by her body she lied to him. She understands now that was wrong and unfair. I am hopeful she has learned that facing the truth and allowing others to see the truth, whatever it is, is best. I want her to find peace and confidence in herself before meeting him again. Her victory will come when she realizes she doesn’t need approval from him or anyone else.
I have known plenty of seemingly beautiful thin people who couldn’t do a push up to save their lives. I have also known many seemingly overweight, average looking people who can run marathons, do 20 burpees in a row, work in their garden all day long, take care of their families morning to night, and kayak in open water for hours.
Strength of Emotion
I have known plenty of seemingly beautiful thin people who have an even thinner emotional shell. The slightest thing, inconsequential and trivial, will set them off into emotional tirades. I have also known many seemingly overweight, average looking people who can express themselves effectively and honestly in a wide range of emotions appropriate to the events and circumstances of their day.
Strength of Mind
I have known plenty of seemingly beautiful thin people who wouldn’t know their mind if it rang their doorbell and asked to be let in. I have also known many seemingly overweight, average looking people who are smart, wise, insightful, creative, astute, practical problem solvers, philosophers, leaders, entertainers, opinion makers.
Strength of Individuality
And finally, I have known plenty of seemingly beautiful thin people who are all those positive things as well. All sizes can be those things.
Beautiful does not equal good, thin does not equal fit, educated does not equal wise.
Note that it does not say “Lions do not take into consideration the opinions of sheep.” It says they won’t fret unnecessarily over them. They won’t take the out of context and will not blow them up to be more important than they are.
If you listen to the blithering buffoons on talk radio, you know their job is to get people riled up and wanting to come back for more. They want ratings so they do their best to push people into extreme positions en masse. They want followers, in other words. They want sheep.
A lion (metaphoric, not actual) doesn’t need to bend to every wind of opinion or every idea espoused by someone, especially someone who is obviously under the uneducated influence of one extremity or another. A lion sets his or her own course based on intellect, education, exposure, open-mindedness and experience, all the while listening and considering other’s opinions, just not overreacting to them.
Resolutions are best made regarding behaviors, not outcomes. In other words, don’t say “I will lose 25 lbs, that is an outcome. Instead say, “I will exercise 3 days a week”, or “I will reduce my meal portions by 1/3.” those are behaviors.
I’ve missed the crazy messy Christmas mornings that happen when kids are young. Luckily this year we have our 2 grandkids coming for the first time so we will have a very messy Christmas. And I can’t wait!
Here’s wishing you a very Messy Merry Marty Christmas!
There really is barely any other time of the year that can engender such high levels of stress among parents and families as Christmas. Why is that? It’s the same reason stress rears its ugly head at any other time, expectations of perfection. The tree needs to be perfect, the food, the presents, the living arrangements, the activities, the conversation, the travel plans, and more. The perceived need for perfection is the recipe for stress.
Less Stress
Then why do certain families not have the same level of stress as others at Christmas time? It certainly isn’t that they decorate less or plan less or do less. It’s because they have all those activities in their proper place, as secondary to love. Loving their family and friends is what drives them, not presenting perfection to them.
What is most important
That doesn’t mean you aren’t showing love by making a beautiful Christmas experience for them. Working hard to make it all be fantastic is great. What isn’t great is thinking that if everything isn’t perfect you have failed. Because failure comes from your family walking away from Christmas feeling stressed themselves. Success comes from them feeling loved.
Focus on that and you won’t let Christmas get your tinsel in a tangle.
Quote was contributed by @Lornaknits on Periscope for our monthly drawing giveaway. The Best Christmas Quote was this month and this one got the most votes. Congrats Lorna!
There are those who don’t pay any attention to Jesus during the year but certainly love being able to indulge in Christmas because of Jesus’ birth.
Their Truth
There are those who think celebrating a birthday, any birthday, is not to be done. They pay attention to Jesus but ignore Christmas as a Holy day from God.
Their Truth
There are those who do both. They are followers of Jesus in one form or another and they also celebrate Christmas. The like Christmas but they would follow Jesus whether Christmas came around each year or not.
Your Truth
Which truth do you live with? Or is there another truth you follow?
I used to think I didn’t have many friends. I used to think I was sort of like the typical male, a lone wolf sort that had friends here and there but no close friends. At least not like many of the women I know.
But then I thought back and I couldn’t remember a time when I didn’t have them. They weren’t always of the same intensity of feeling, and they weren’t always of the same frequency of interaction, but I have always had them nonetheless.
I tried to make a list of my friends over the years and realized I couldn’t always remember their names. But, I could always see their faces in my head and, more importantly, I could always remember the feeling I had being with them.
Church Friends vs Work Friends
Long ago I lived in California. I worked at a restaurant (among other places) and I went to church. I moved away and a year later came back to visit. I visited both my old workplace and my old church. It was nice seeing my church friends. But when I went to the restaurant I was REALLY excited to see my work friends. Why was that? The people at church were great. We had raised our kids together. We had done a lot of things, had a lot of conversations, been through a lot. Prayed a lot. So why was I so much more excited to see my work friends than my church friends?
The Comfort Spot
It came down to comfort. At work I was completely and utterly who I was, good and bad. My funniest, most serious, most stressed, most helpful, most sober, most drunk, most angry, most peaceful, most happy, most sad, most moral, most immoral, most ethical, most unethical, most creative, most boring. All of me was on display at that restaurant but only part of me was on display at that church.
And my work friends? They were the same. They showed every part of themselves to me. So, when I came back a year later, I yearned for that comfort of seeing those who knew me so well and still loved me. The church friends knew the best of me and love me. But the work friends knew all of me and loved me.
They were my comfort spot. They were my cushions of life.
Who are your cushions and where can they be found?
Quote by Kimberley Blaine – Therapist, writer, blogger, brand ambassador
Kimberley (left) and her sister, Jammie
Kimberley is a friend of mine from the world of blogging and social media. She wrote the words above in a blog post many month ago and I loved it so much I stole them (sorry Kimberley!)
She is well worth following because of her incredible honesty and insight into what it takes to be a mom, a spouse, a woman, a professional and yes, a friend.
You can find her everywhere but here are a few platforms that you should take a look at:
Do you believe this? It can be confusing, can’t it. As an artist I like to think I have a broad yet discerning eye for beauty. I think many things are beautiful. Many people, many objects, many places. But I don’t think everything is beautiful.
But I also know that what I find beautiful is not what everyone does. And what I find ugly someone finds beautiful. All you have to do is look at style trends in clothing and makeup for women to see how different the idea of beauty can be around the world. The same is true of music. Think of how dissonant music from other lands sometimes sounds to your ear. Then realize that same music is heard as sublime in the country of origin.
There is the famous story of Tchaikovsky’s first playing of the ‘Rite of Spring’ ballet. It was thought of as so terrible it provoked an actual riot in Paris, 1913 at it’s debut. You can read the story about it here. But when it was played a year later it was met with tremendous applause. Why the radical change in response? Because the dissonance heard the first night, so screeching and grating, was no longer heard the same way a year later. The listeners were able to hear the rhythms, the harmonies, the structure the second time around. The were able to hear the beauty.
And so, while as an artist I have my ideas of beauty, I also am wise enough to know that just because I don’t think something is beautiful doesn’t mean it’s not. It just isn’t to me.
Not Everything?
So, The question should be asked, if everything is beautiful, how can something not be? My take on it is not that something isn’t beautiful. It’s that it is more than just beautiful. Beauty is but one filter through which we see the world. We also have filters of love and hate, of statistics and science. We have filters of history and time, of biology and spirit. In other words, while everything is beautiful, it is not all it is. Everything is other things as well.
Transformation
What examples can you think of that show something ugly eventually becoming something seen as beautiful? What or who do you think is beautiful? What else are they?
Donna arrived early at the Doctor’s office with Betty, her friend, nervous about whether she would find the building, having never been in that part of town before. It made her nervous to go there because the area had the reputation of being a hot bed of gang activity. Every time she watched the news there was a report of a shooting or a drug bust or something like that in among the apartments. liquor stores and convenience stores that dotted the area.
Chapter Two
She almost backed out of going to the appointment but her friend really needed a ride and she had already backed out of helping her out earlier in the month. She didn’t really like Betty very much because she was so needy. It was always about her and her needs, never about anyone else. It irked her because she herself was needy and wouldn’t have minded a little attention being paid to her once in a while. Her husband gave her no attention unless it was as a prelude to sex. Even that attention dissolved as soon as her husband ejaculated, which usually took about 30 seconds (yes, she counted). Her kids gave her no attention, but that didn’t really bother her. She understood they were just being self-consumed teenagers. Her boss gave her no attention, which she liked for the most part. He left her alone to do her job and she did it well. She did wish for some recognition every now and then but she could live without it.
Chapter Three
She was waiting for Betty to be done when she noticed a man sitting across the aisle from her. He was older, maybe just a tad overweight, with a nice hat. He had a small book he was writing in. She wondered what he was writing about. She was reading an essay on immigration from The Atlantic Monthly on her phone and didn’t pay much attention to him. After she finished she looked up and saw him looking at her. He wasn’t looking directly at her, but at her shoes. She looked away but looked back quickly to see him looking down at his journal. He looked back up at her again, but once again, he wasn’t looking at her face, but lower. This time he seemed to be looking at her legs. She then realized he was not writing in a journal, he was drawing in a sketchbook. And he was drawing her.
Chapter Four
This made her self-conscious. She started wondering how she looked. Was her hair in place? Was she color coordinated? Then she realized her shirt was open, showing her tank top underneath. She hoped it wasn’t too low. She was always trying to find that proper line between showing off her girls just a bit (since she did like how they looked and was proud that while her friends had to have help from their favorite plastic surgeon to get theirs to look that good, hers were God given) and not wanting to look like a hootchie mama letting them all hang out.
As she looked down to check herself out she realized crumbs from the granola bar she was snacking on at landed on her chest. Should she wipe them off? They would go down into her bra if she did that, but at least she could do it quickly and quietly. Or should she pick them off like she usually would do if she were alone, not being watched? They wouldn’t get stuck in her bra that way, but she would be doing something much more conspicuous. She chose to quickly wipe them down into her bra. The man was looking down when she did it so she didn’t think he noticed.
Chapter Five
Knowing someone was drawing her also made her happy. She liked the attention, liked being looked at. It reminded her of the early days of her marriage when she would catch her husband looking at her when they went out somewhere. He always liked her face and figure, complimenting both frequently, and expressing physically that it was sometimes more than just admiration of her beauty. He had been quite the driven lover back in the early days. Those days weren’t nearly as frequent anymore, and she had accepted that as part of being in a longer marriage and in getting older.
But that didn’t mean she liked it. She felt a little thrill whenever she realized someone was admiring her, even if it wasn’t that frequent. There was a rush she felt when it happened and she was feeling that now. She wondered if her neck and chest were turning red, which it did when she felt that way. She hoped not, but then again she sort of liked that she had a signal from her body about what was happening inside show on the outside.
Having this feeling happen so randomly brought up all sort of emotions about her marriage, about her self-worth, about her compromises with family and friends (Betty being a perfect example). A switch flipped in her head and she decided she had had enough. It was a most unexpected epiphany out of the blue.
Chapter Six
She was looking down at her phone when a pair of running shoes appeared on the floor in front of her. She looked up to see the man smiling at her, about to speak. He said, “Hi, sorry to interrupt you. My wife just buzzed me to come into the Doctor’s office so I have to go but I wanted to show you the drawing I have been doing of you before I did.”
Donna looked at the drawing. It was of her with her head down looking at her phone. Her legs were crossed and sure enough, her shirt was open and a bit of cleavage was showing. She was glad it didn’t look too low. She looked up, smiled and said, “I was wondering what you were doing. At first I thought you were writing in a journal then I saw you looking at me and figured out that you were drawing. You caught me pretty good I think, thank you.”
He said, “No, thank you. I loved how still you sat, made it easy to draw you. You didn’t even uncross and recross your legs the other way, which is often what happens. Anyway, I have to go but here is my card. If you want me to send you a photo of the drawing now and when it is finished, just email me so I have your address and I will do it, ok?”
She took the card and said, “Yes, I will be sure to do that. Thank you.”
Epilogue
After she got home she went to her office and wrote out a plan. A year later she was divorced. She moved to the city she had always wanted to live in, San Francisco. She even moved to a somewhat scary part of town so she could get a good deal on a fixer-upper. She was renovating it herself. She went back to school, this time not to be an assistant to someone but to be an actual scientist, which had been her dream. She heard from Betty once in a while but no longer felt responsible for trying to solve her problems.
Four years later she emailed the man who had drawn her, asking if she could see the drawing. He sent her the finished version. She asked if he would accept a commission to do a large painted version of the drawing. He agreed and 6 months later she had it over her mantle in her remodeled home. She also bought the drawing and had it in her bedroom.
When friends came to visit they often remarked about the simple ‘slice of life, small moment in time’ feel the painting had. They liked that about it. She would smile and agree, all the while knowing not all moments in time are equal.
Have you ever started something and not finished it? Of course you have. We all have. Granted, some more than others. I am probably in the middle of the pack. I finish a lot but then again there is plenty I don’t finish. Most of what I don’t finish doesn’t ever get beyond the idea stage. If you are like me, even a little bit, the enthusiasm hits hard but implementation fails as the enthusiasm wanes.
Far is Easy
The goal is always so glorious, isn’t it? We all imagine the feeling of winning, or publishing, or fame, or wealth, or a secure relationship. It’s easy to imagine that joy. It’s easy to say you want that happiness. It’s easy to say you are going to do the work to get that wealth. But imagination and saying something aren’t what makes it happen.
In Between is Hard
So how do you keep going during those long stretches where the enthusiasm has waned, the money has drained and the relationship has pained? Of course you need to have that goal in mind. You have to have hope that you can reach it. But it is more than that. The truth is you aren’t always doing something for the feeling it gives you at the moment. You are living through that feeling so that you will reach a finish line where great feelings and great achievements will come to fruition. It might be a book you write, it might be a painting you paint, it might be a relationship you develop.
Making Hard Easy
You can’t make hard easy. But you can make it easier. You make it easier by practicing habits. The habit of getting up every morning and doing 10 push ups will make getting in shape easier, no matter how hard it is. The practice of writing that email to a business connection each morning will make the hard work of networking easier, no matter how hard it is. The practice of saying (and meaning) something loving and kind to your relationship partner each morning will make it easier to build the relationship, no matter how hard it is.
In other words, you aren’t trying to make something hard into something easy. You are trying to make it easier to do something hard. Making a habit of the things that help you along that path is one way to do that.
I had just finished with a dentist appointment and came here for lunch.
Chapter One
They were outside on the patio and I sat where I could draw them. I ate and drew at the same time. After a while the woman facing me realized I was drawing her. She leaned over to say something to her friend. I continued to draw until they were about to leave. I stood and walked over to them. I held up the drawing to the woman facing me and showed it to her. She said she noticed me looking at them and wondered what I was doing. I explained who I was and what I was doing. She said she really liked it. I showed it to the other woman and she said the same thing. I told her she could see it finished at my website or if she prefer I would send her the image via email when I was done with it. I gave her my card and she gave me her email address. I said goodbye and went back to finish my lunch.
Chapter Two
It has taken me about a month, maybe more, to paint and finish the drawing. Now I am about to publish it and send her the image and the link. Will I get a response? What do you think she will say and think about it?
I wonder, if closets could think, what would they say? Do you think they would be as indecisive as many woman (and men) are in deciding what to wear? Do you think they would make emotional decisions, or maybe aesthetic ones? Would they be practical, or maybe purposefully reactionary? Would they dress you with nostalgia in mind or maybe with an eye to impress the world. Would they fight you?
The Naked Human
Closets can’t think. But the idea is interesting because it illustrates so many of the reasons we dress. And for many of us, our possibilities are wider than they were 50 years ago. My father was going to wear a suit and tie to work, no discussion about it. For a night out my mother would wear a dress, no real consideration went into wearing pants. That just wasn’t going to happen. Even a trip to the market was cause to dress up, at least a little bit.
But now work clothes can, in many cases, be casual clothes. They can be fitness clothes even. And clothing designated for going out to a nice dinner can range from t-shirts (for either sex) all the way to a dress and suit and tie. That same market shopping trip? Now it can be done in pajamas.
The freedom make our choices harder, not easier. With all that freedom we have a lot more to choose from in every case.
Sort of dresser
What sort of dresser are you? Do you dress emotionally, practically, aesthetically, or maybe nostalgically?
I know there are many in the US who do live on the edge of tragedy most every day. But I don’t think I am ignoring or diminishing their plight to say that overall we are blessed to be safe, secure and sustained at a level that exceeds most of the world. I am grateful for that and don’t take it for granted.
