The Dividing Line between Reasons and Rationalizations
Where is the censorship line drawn? Kate Middleton, Britain’s Princess of Cambridge, is photographed with her bare breasts showing while sunning one a private balcony one half mile from the nearest road in the south of France.
How does a person rationalize taking the photos and selling them for what we have to assume is millions of dollars? The photographer says, ‘I could see her through my lens so she obviously was not in a private situation.’ What about the idea that she doesn’t want photographs of her breasts to be shown to anyone, much less published and seen by millions of people. Does that count for anything, does that matter? Obviously it isn’t a persuasive argument to the photographer, to the agent selling the photos, to the publisher purchasing the photos or to the editor and writer arranging and captioning the photos. They know she doesn’t want those photos taken or distributed. So, what is their rationalization? They might say, ‘Well, if she didn’t want her breasts shown she shouldn’t have shown them’ What do you think of that argument? Did she show them to the world when she exposed them to the sun and air on that secluded patio? Was it her fault?
Everyday Modesty and the Mundane
A friend of mine here in Tulsa, a news anchor, is an extremely modest woman. She is livid that anyone would do this and that laws allow it in certain countries. She said she would die of photos like that of her were exposed. She says it is a private, intimate moment, not one to be shared. What do you think? Is being nude in and of itself an intimate state of being, no matter where you are and what you are doing?
Others I know say it is just no big deal. It’s not a scandal, it’s not a moral failing on her part, it’s not a embarrassment. It’s just a woman sunning topless in private. Big deal. She isn’t in flagrante delicto, she isn’t doing anything outlandish. She is doing something incredibly mundane and pretty boring. Laying down and sunbathing, hardly the most arousing of activities whether topless, bottomless or both. Her boobs are shown, alright already. Done. Next.
Blame
What do you think of this whole situation? Is it ok or not that the photos were taken, sold and distributed? Who is to blame for it happening? Does Princess Kate hold any blame?
What did you learn from hearing those things? Did you grow, learn, progress, become kinder, smarter, healthier, more loving, stronger, wiser, happier, more compassionate?
I didn’t think so.
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Drawing by Marty Coleman, who wonders what people say about him.
I am speaking at Blog World in New York in about 2 weeks. The title of my talk is ‘Overcoming Procrastination from Start to Finish’. I am going to document my preparation for the presentation from now until the day of the talk, Wed. June 6th.
As a result I am deep into figuring out the themes, graphics, words, images, napkins, schedule and organization of it all. I want to be prepared and I don’t want to procrastinate. I don’t want to make the mistake of thinking ‘someday’ will actually come. I need to plan it with real days not pretend days. I need to organize it so that by the time I am standing on the stage in front of the (put in hopeful large number here) people in attendance I will be able to give them something of value.
Something of Value
I can give them something of value in direct relation to how well I know the material and how refined that material is. That means I can only think about it so long before I have to actually practice the presentation. It’s in the practicing that I will learn what works. To practice I need to have the presentation lined out and organized at the draft level. I don’t need all the images and I don’t need every word in place, but I do need to have the basic theme outlined and organized. I find that even that will likely change but I start with something that way.
Since I am doing this as ‘The Napkin Dad’ the majority of images will come from my napkins. Thus, I need to prepare a good set of napkins that will illuminate the theme and the ideas. That means finding past napkins, which I can only really do if I have them named consistently and well organized in my electronic files. It also means creating new ones that meet the direct needs of this presentation and today is Procrastination napkin #1
Your Contribution
So, here we are. Day 1 of my blog journey to Blog World in New York. What I am looking for from you are your pearls of wisdom about procrastination. Why you think it happens, what you do about it, what is good about it, and what your favorite procrastinating activity is. Whatever other insights, references or resource you have I would love to hear all about them.
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Drawing by Marty Coleman, who tried out for the Procrastination Olympics that were never held.
Quote by someone too lazy to demand attribution so Mr. Anonymous gets the credit
Can you find the secret, subliminal, self-advertisement in the napkin today? Let me know in the comments if you find it.
I am not a pacifist. I believe there are times to use force. But there are definitely times not to as well. Trying to persuade a people of something is not a good time to be violent. You may get them to submit, no doubt. But you won’t get them to convert to the idea you want them to.
Force is not always violence. Force can sometimes be verbal or material coercion based on shame, guilt, ignorance, lies. You take away enough of a person’s material sustenance and they will submit to your idea. But you won’t get them to truly believe it, only persuasion can do that. You can manipulate all you want. It can even look like victory for a while. But it will not succeed in the long term.
Persuasion, true honest persuasion, is the result of freedom to argue, debate, talk, reason, ponder, listen, walk away, reject, agree and disagree. And being free from the threat of violence is the only way to do that effectively.
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Drawing by Marty Coleman, who put a secret self-advertising message in the napkin today.
Quote by Anonymous, who always puts secrets in my drawings and I don’t even know it.
I think this will end up being an indispensable philosophical addition to your day.
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Control out of Control
When we first joined our Sunday School group back in the 1980s there was a young wife and mother who had ALS. She had suffered for many years and many of the group tended to her diligently. I didn’t know her, but I heard enough to know that when she was healthy she was in charge of every minute detail of her family’s life. Everything the kids did, everything her husband did, was controlled, or was attempted to be controlled, by her. It was a bit of a burden on the family for her to be like that but it was what it was.
I remember members coming into Sunday school and talking about how she was suffering, not just physically, but mentally as well because as she became immobile she was reduced to only being able to watch, frozen in her body, unable to control things the way she used to. It was very hard on her to watch the control slip out of her fingers.
Control interrupted
They told of her last push of control as she neared death. That was to plan her own funeral. She still had control of her eyes and they all knew when she was not happy with how they interpreted her plans. She gave them an intense look that said ‘I want it THIS way, not THAT way.’ They planned it exactly as she wanted, down to the nth degree.
When she died there was some relief among her friends and family because the struggle had been so hard and so long and her suffering had been so great. The funeral went off without a hitch, though they did change a few things. You can bet they were looking over their shoulders expecting her to come back and give them the stare.
Dispensing with Being Indispensable
We all have moments in which we think, the world just will NOT go on as it should unless I take control. I am needed and without me it just will not happen. Whenever you feel that way, stop and take the water test. The truth is, the world will fill in. It’s not that you will be forgotten, it’s that those around you will adapt to you not being there. It will be hard, it will be painful and it might leave wounds and scars, but there will be adaption and they will make their way in a full world.
Our job as parents, friends, spouses, business partners, isn’t to become indispensable, because that really can’t happen. Our job is to enable, motivate and inspire those around us to be able to deal successfully with life whether we are there or not. That is an indispensable lesson.
Why do we think skin equals sin? Why is the exposing of skin seen as dirty? Obviously in breastfeeding a mother shows her breast. If she is in public she might cover her breast with a blanket. But it’s also possible that she might choose not to cover, maybe because the child gets fussy under the blanket, maybe because she likes to watch her child nurse, maybe she likes the feel of the open air. Whatever her reason and whatever her choice there will be someone who feels it’s wrong, dirty or rude for her to nurse in public, no matter what.
It’s Your Fault
This gets to the heart of a persistent idea. It’s the idea that the woman is to blame for the actions of the man. It usually boils down to one thing, she showed too much skin. Whose fault is it if a man reacts rudely, even violently to a woman showing ‘too much skin’? In this persistent idea it is the woman’s fault. Why? Because you can’t expect a man to be able to control himself in the face of that much skin showing.
Self-Control
I, as a man, am offended by this the same way a woman would (and should) be offended by a comment saying a woman can’t control her emotions so she can’t be trusted in important roles in public life. The same is true with the ‘skin’ argument for men. It is not the case that men can’t handle it. It is the case that when men SAY they can’t handle it they are using it as an excuse for their own bad behavior. They are rationalizing their inability to have some self-control by blaming it on others. It’s not the ‘other’ who is to blame. It is the man.
I am biting my lip knowing it’s day #2 of ‘It’s The Law!’ week at the NDD!
It makes for some pretty useless laws at times. It does seem that laws are often passed for the egos of the legislators more than the needs of the citizens. As a result, when there are teeth to the law they seem like dentures, easily removed and put on the night stand.
Law Trivia Question: What is the basic difference between libel and slander? Answer tomorrow if you don’t get it first.
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, who was once caught stealing gum in 9th grade.
Quote by Anonymous, who has been arrested for many, many things over the years.
It’s hard to improve on yesterday’s I know, but here is #3 of Perfectionist week.
I doubt many perfectionists would agree with this. But if you are a perfectionist and you believe in improvement how do you explain your constant belittling of yourself and your efforts while in the very act of improving? You know that you have to not be perfect in order to improve, otherwise you would already have achieved what you were attempting, right? If you believe in improvement in life, work, relationships, hobbies, creativity, art, and more then you should aspire to improve, not to be perfect.
What do you perfectionists think? Do you agree with the quote and with me or do you disagree?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, who is Wabi Sabi.
If it pleases you, today I am serving up napkin #2 of Humility Week.
A lot of people don’t mind serving, but they hate the idea of being a servant. It harkens back to days of slavery, indentured servitude and being in an inferior position where you are taken advantage of.
But the funny thing about really truly being a servant to another is that if you are doing it right you aren’t thinking about yourself. You aren’t thinking it’s unfair to you. You aren’t thinking someone is acting superior to you. You aren’t thinking about you at all. You are thinking about how to serve the other person. If they are a bit rude, so be it. If they are a bit thoughtless, so be it. They aren’t there to stroke your ego. They are there because they need, want or are paying for you to serve them in some way.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying a person in a serving role should be abused. I am just saying that as a servant you will come across all sorts of behaviors and your primary response is not to judge whether you like that particular behavior or not. Your response is to do the best you can in serving that person. Obviously we have our limits and people who abuse should be stopped. But that is a separate issue from going into a serving situation with the right mindset and the right heart.
The humility of serving does not equal humiliation.
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, a waiter on and off for 28 years, 1971 – 1999.
And I quote, “It’s day #3 of Quotes on Quotes week at the NDD.”
The biggest, baddest, most humongous tome in the world may have drama, it may get a lot of attention, it may get it’s own mini-series, but that doesn’t mean it has substance that can actually help or nurture anyone.
Sometimes the small and anonymous does that better. So, don’t be under the delusion you need to be famous or powerful and an attention getting drama queen to contribute well to your world. Maybe all you need to do is be a flower.
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, who some day would like to see a real live person painted just like the person in the drawing.
