When I was in college I had a female friend who I was hoping might want a romantic relationship with me. I pursued, she gave a few positive signals, then some negative ones, then some neutral ones, then some hesitations, then some positive, then some none, then some no, then some yes, then some…I was gone by then.
It was just too much. I didn’t know where I stood. I didn’t know if she was or was not interested. I didn’t know anything solid. And I couldn’t keep going knowing nothing so I lost interest and eventually went on my way somewhere else with someone else.
Game Playing
It seemed to me that it was a game she enjoyed playing. She liked being pursued, that was the adrenaline rush. Having an actual relationship? Not so much. Of course this can happen with men as well as women, so it’s not only a one way street. Men can get their adrenaline rush from their pursuing game but not the relationship game.
Have you experienced this? What do you think it is it all about?
You know what good shock is? Good shock is when you are forced to face something you think is scary or wrong, something you feel is going to hurt you or destroy society, but actually isn’t. Examples of that could be, as seen in the drawing, breastfeeding in public or transgender rights. Other examples from the past might include having to sit next to a black person at a lunch counter or on a bus. Maybe having a woman as the Pastor of your church. Maybe moving next door to a married gay couple. Maybe It would be having an African-American as your President. Or maybe a woman as your President. Maybe a lot of things.
The Bad Shock
You know what bad shock is? Bad shock is when you witness something cruel, mean, hurtful, hateful, discriminatory, bigoted, racist, sexist, violent, disrespectful. That is bad shock. And you know what makes it worse? When you don’t say anything or, even worse, support it.
As I was about to start writing my thoughts on this quote this morning, I came across this post on Facebook:
I know that in two years someone will probably mention his name and I will deny that he was ever actually important because I will have forgotten all about him. Facebook will tell me I have a memory to look back on and I will laugh at this status. I may or may not remember who it’s about… but right now… this hurts. He sought me out when I knew nothing but his name. He wanted to spend so much time with me. He wanted me to move in with him, wanted me to get a tattoo he designed, and he tried his last name with my first. Then, just like that I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t live up to his idea of the girl deserving of the pedestal he placed me on. Ugh… mess with my self esteem for fun, why don’t you?
It is from a friend of mine, Emilie Disney. I know her because years ago our families knew each other at church, she was friends with one of my daughters.
Time –
It tells a way too common story of someone being blindsided by someone. I mean, how can you know the ropes and not be tied up when everything seems perfect, right? Time is the answer. The key thing to know here is that her suitor said all those wonderful things within a two week period of time. TWO WEEKS. But one wants to believe, right? He was persistent and persuasive and she was seduced by it. And then all of a sudden, he was done.
Luckily, while she is trusting and sincere, she is also smart and mature. She knew inside that something was off when he moved that fast. It was red flags popping up. It didn’t take her long to realize she had dodged a bullet, or at least was just grazed by it and received a flesh wound not needing extreme medical attention!
Experience is the Teacher –
And now she is a more experienced woman. She has learned the ropes to a more sophisticated degree. She won’t get tied up again that easily, that is for sure. And that’s how it is, right? You don’t learn the ropes from reading a book on relationships. You learn the ropes by having relationships. That is how we learn.
BUT, just in case you don’t want to go through it yourself and you do want to learn from other’s experience….if some guy promises the moon within two weeks? Be wary, no matter how seductive he is.
Last night I had a few crackers before going to bed. Our cat, Mayru, was sitting on my lap and for some strange reason she was very insistent on wanting a cracker. This is not usual. But tonight she was crazy about it. I gave her a small piece and she actually ate it. Then she turned around on my lap and meowed plaintively, wanting another piece. I gave her another and she bit it, dropped it and jumped off my lap, walking away, never to return.
Now, I don’t think she contemplates will power and resisting temptation much. So, what happened? Well, what she does is go with her desire. She wanted the cracker, didn’t resist that desire and got the cracker. Then didn’t have the desire, no longer wanted it and walked away. The key wasn’t that she wanted it and pushed it away in spite of wanting it, it was that she just no longer wanted it.
I’m No Help at All
I sometimes am told that people are impressed with my ability to give things up. It seems I can give something up and stick with it. They might think I am good at avoiding temptation, that I have great will power, that I am disciplined. But the honest truth is that I can give it up not because I am good at resisting temptation, but because the temptation goes away. I am actually not good at resisting temptation, I am better at getting rid of temptation.
Saying I ‘get rid of temptation’ makes it sound like I actually do it. But the truth is, and one of the reasons I am not all that great at advising others in their attempts to get rid of bad habits, is they just go away. I usually don’t do anything to get rid of them beyond having the simple desire for them to go away. That’s it. Sometimes it takes years (one habit took 45 years for the temptation to go away). Sometimes it takes an instant. I don’t really know why, though I wish I did.
The Key, No Matter What
What I do know is that even when they just go away and I didn’t do much to make it happen but to wish for it, I still need to make a choice not to go looking for that lost temptation to see if it’s still hanging around out there. It’s like an ex-lover you are over but that you sometimes still pine for. If you go searching to see ‘how they are doing’ you are looking to see if the temptation is hanging around. And that temptation that is lost is suddenly found again. That is not a good thing. Let it stay lost, it can’t add up to much without you.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Mae West, 1893-1980, American Actress and Playwright.
I read a great article online about Decision Making in the New York Times Magazine this morning. It led me to today’s drawing and topic. I will link to the magazine at the bottom of the page.
It’s All Your Fault
If you only had more willpower. If you only learned to discipline yourself. If you only weren’t so spoiled, gluttonous, slothful, lazy, indulgent, selfish, stupid, immature and short-sighted. If only you had more glucose. WHAT? Glucose?
Well ok, it’s Your Brain’s Fault
Once again, science is making progress in understanding who we are, how we work and what we can do to improve. There has been a number of studies in recent years that go under the heading of Decision Fatigue and Ego Depletion. What do those terms mean? Decision fatigue is the phenomenon whereby each decision you make in a day diminishes your willpower and ability to make subsequent decisions. Your brain acts like a muscle in the sense that it gets tired after so much exercise that it really can’t work that well anymore. Ego Depletion is when your ability to retain your decision making skills at your ego’s normal level is diminished. That is why we tend to make bad decisions (or can’t make one at all) in the afternoon or evening, after a long day of decision making. But why is this? Well, research seems to be indicating that the reason is a depletion of glucose in the brain. Sugar basically. it doesn’t stop the brain from working, it just stunts the decision making areas of the brain.
Parole in the Afternoon
In a study of Israeli parole boards they found that being brought up for parole in the early morning, right after breakfast, the convict had a much better chance of recieving parole than a criminal with the same sentence for the same crime had if he came before the parole board late in the morning, before lunch, or late in the afternoon. In all these cases the difference was the board members inability to decide, not the individual merits of the cases. Why was that? Because they had already made so many decisions that the best, easiest decision was to make none at all. Leave the decision for another day was the best choice in their decision fatigued mind. And what made their mind fatigued in this way? Lack of glucose.
The Dieting Catch 22
So, how does this apply to dieting? Dieting is all about will power, right? It’s all about deciding again and again and again, not to eat certain foods. What does that insistent decision making do? It depletes one’s ego, the person’s ability to make decisions in their best interest. So, what is needed to restore that ability to make the right choice in dieting? Eating is what is needed. What to eat? Sugar. How is that for a catch 22?
1. In order not to eat, a dieter needs willpower.
2. In order to have willpower, a dieter needs to eat. *
Moral failure vs Brain Science
One of the best things about our paying attention to scientific discoveries is that it lessens judgment but increases our ability to change and grow. It is the search for the truth that can help us, and the old, simplistic moral condemnation is ineffective (and alway have been) because it doesn’t help us understand and act on what the real truth is. And the real truth is that we must pay attention to our biology, our chemistry, our cultural and social behaviors and analyse them not with ignorant condemnation but with neutral and effective judgment.
Judge Yes
Judgment of self is not condemnation of self. It is realizing that you are doing this one thing and, without condemning yourself, that can decide that you will change doing that one thing into doing another thing. The truth is you won’t be more effective (and more likely will be less effective) by dumping a truckload of guilt on yourself in the process. It’s not an excuse and it’s not a license to do something bad. It is just a more effective and positive way to pursue the change you want to see in your life.
Here is the issue about emotion in sex and love. Men often have too little of it (emotion that is) and women often have too much of it.
For you women, actually it isn’t just that men have less of it than you do. It’s also that they don’t know they have it in the first place. They feel just a hint of something, but they don’t investigate it. It is left unformed and uninvestigated. Men are often not even aware it WAS a feeling they had, and if they did realize it, they aren’t sure what that feeling represented. They don’t name it and categorize it.
For you men, actually it isn’t that women just have more of it than you do. It’s also that they investigate deeper into the emotions they do have. To them they are a mobius strip of never ending investigations. And not just their emotions, but yours as well. They figure you are exploring yours as deeply as they are their own and so they want to know what it is you are feeling. They are working at defining what it is they felt and where it sits in relation to her other emotions and yours. When you aren’t able to say what it is your feel, it’s easy for them to think you either are hiding something or don’t feel anything.
That is why sex is often such a emotionally bonding experience for both men and women. It isn’t primarily about words. It’s about motion and sensory experience and the emotions are created through those things. Sex is good that way.
Quote by Mae West, 1893-1980, American playwright and actress. Read her bio, she was an amazing woman well ahead of her time. Incredibly creative and ambitious. I didn’t realize she wrote many of the plays and movies she starred in.
A circular dilemma: you want to be noticed, seen, known, paid attention to. You do what you can to make that happen. Then you realize that the ‘you’ that got the attention made the rest of ‘you’ invisible. So, you try to downplay the attention-getting part and you discover you are still mostly invisible. You don’t like that so you go back to emphasizing the parts that got looked over. Then you feel the rest of you is invisible again.
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“It’s better to be looked over than to be overlooked.” – Mae West
“Whenever I am caught between two evils, I take the one I’ve never tried.” – Mae West
Ok, for any of you that were born without humor DNA she is NOT talking about REAL evil, like murder, abuse, addiction, etc. Good, got that out of the way.
But for the other ‘evils’, the fun and non-destructive ones, there is something to be said for being open to new things, whether it is a new decadent chocolate candy bar or a new idea for you and your partner to have fun with. In other words, don’t get in a rut with your indulgences, branch out, have fun!
The quote is by Mae West, a movie star from the 1920s and 30s. Those of you too young to know who she is, think of the biggest celebrity now and add a very saucy, sexy, funny, witty and bold personality to that person, and you would have Mae West. Oh, and add a very curvaceous figure as well. She was the queen of one liners with outrageous sexual innuendo, and she was very funny. Look her up some day, she will make you crack up.
