People often say they don’t want to argue, right? For example, they may say this, “Arguing has never changed anyone’s mind.”
However, the truth is that in business, politics, science, religion, even art, ideas move forward and action is taken based on arguments made, arguments replied to, arguments won or lost. Continued progress over any substantial amount of time isn’t made without argument.
Persuasion
Of course, there are many ways to argue. Yelling, screaming, ranting, raving, and bullying are some of the ways. And those who make the comment above about arguing never changing someone’s mind usually have that sort of arguing in mind when they say that.
But those are not the only forms of argument. Debate and Persuasion are two methods that usually are more effective. Debate is about logic and reason, persuasion is about self-interest. In debating you are trying to convince someone that your ideas are right. In persuading you are trying to convince someone it is in their best interests to believe and/or act on something.
Best For Business
In business all these types of argument are used. But from my experience inside and outside of business there is no comparison, the most effective method is persuasion. That is because it is the most long lasting. You have converted someone to your way of thinking because you have actually made it their way of thinking as well. And when that happens, a vision for a business can grow naturally within an organization.
Creativity is often seen as a solo pursuit. But that isn’t always true. Yes, the spark can seem to happen within the individual sitting alone in the studio. But all you have to do is think of all the creative ideas from others that went into that individual’s history long before the moment of inspiration hit to realize he or she does not truly create alone.
The Spark Within
Here is the drawing I did yesterday. I am using it in my workshop at SXSW later this week. I drew this while I was streaming live on Periscope. I play a game called ‘Guess the Quote’ when I do my napkin drawings, with the viewers playing a variation on Hangman, guessing one word at a time while I draw the image and give hints.
I came up with the idea of these two very unique characters, one standing on her head, to illustrate the idea of upending expectations. I had already drawn the two characters and had written in the quotes when one of the ‘#NapkinKin’ (my tribe on Periscope) suggested something that led to an even more effective illustration of the idea.
The Spark Without
He suggested I turn the second part of the quote upside down. I had already written it in so I couldn’t change it on the actual napkin. But I was able to change it in Photoshop. However, even without changing it in the drawing the idea sparked my decisions about how to complete the background.
All of a sudden I was thinking about symmetry and reflection, making the top and bottom look the same but not exact, so if you rotated it 180º you would feel it still made sense (granted, this making sense is within the context of a drawing that really isn’t about making sense, but you know what I mean).
Muse
In my larger charcoal and pastel drawings I often use models. The best ones are the ones that know it is a collaboration. Yes, I am the artist. But the creativity is sparked not just from within myself but by them as well. That is why models are often called ‘Muse’. Because they inspire the creativity of the artist.
Your Spark
If you are an Artist, never forget that your creativity, no matter how individual and unique you might thing it is, owes much to the artists of the past and those around you who inspire and collaborate with you.
If you are not an Artist, never forget your creativity isn’t restricted to that fact. Your creativity is not just about what you create, but about what you inspire others to create as well.
Either way, creativity is one way you can be sure to change the world.
Have you ever done one of those tests to see if you are colorblind? It shows a whole series of dot in various colors. If you aren’t colorblind you can see a number appear amid the dots. If you are colorblind, you can’t. Why is that? Because your eye’s retinal cones aren’t developed properly and so the color doesn’t register with the brain. In other words, you couldn’t see that color even if you wanted to.
The history of art is filled with examples of the artist trying to fool your eye. As a matter of fact, there is an entire genre of art called ‘Fool The Eye’, better known by it’s French translation, ‘trompe l’oeil’. The goal is to make you think you see something that, in fact, is not what you actually see.
Pere Borrell del Caso, Escaping Criticism, 1874
Andrea Mantegna, Oculus (window to the sky), Palazzo Ducale, La Camera degli Sposi (The Wedding Chamber), (1467?-1474)
Surrealism
Another movement in art that uses the mind’s initial inability to comprehend is Surrealism. Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte are two who come to mind. There goal isn’t to fool you into thinking you see something you don’t. It’s to see one thing, then another and not easily understand how or why they go together. It’s that visual and mental dance of confusion that gives the art it’s power.
Salvador Dali – Three Sphinxes of Bikini – 1947
Rene Magritte, Empire of Light, 1950
What is Possible
The whole point of these and other works of art is to make you think about what it is you are seeing. To be fooled or confounded or challenged.
It’s telling about artists that so many like to fool us. Artists are great at challenging our pre-conceived notions of what is art, what is real, what is good, what is beautiful. Unfortunately, many of us respond to not immediately understanding something we see by cutting off our curiosity, our wonder, our open-mindedness. We judge and are done.
But if one is willing, in art and in life, to experience rather than judge, to allow for confusion and the unknown instead of demanding all answers immediately, then the rewards can be great.
Among the rewards are delight in discovering new ideas, enlightenment about how others see the world and inspiration for your own creative journey. And those rewards are definitely worth it in my book. How about you?
At first I thought this quote was perfect for my ‘Mind Image’ series. Then after I drew the drawing I started to think it was somewhat pedestrian. Then I got it. It isn’t pedestrian, it’s understated. I can just imagine a upper crust British actor saying this in a period movie as Galileo is being tried for heresy or Socrates is forced to drink hemlock.
Religion
History shows us the consequences of new ideas in religion can be extreme. One need look no farther than Jesus as an example. He was crucified because of the threat his new religious ideas had on the established religion and the established government of the day. And there have been millions more over the centuries who have suffered and died because the threat their ideas pose to someone else.
Science
The process of proving something in science often starts with an individual having an idea that something may not be as it seems and starts to investigate. As he or she investigates their ideas are not yet fully proven and are often met with skepticism and distrust. Luckily, science has a built in mechanism, the scientific method, that eventually allows ideas to prove themselves. The recent proof of the existence of gravitational waves proving Einstein’s 100+ year old theory that they exist is a great example.
Art
Name an art movement and it probably started by being disparaged and attacked by the people involved with the more established art movements at the time. Sometimes even the movements’ names often started as a cut. Fauvism (Wild Beasts) was the dismissive name given to Henri Matisse’s art movement of 1905. Impressionism got it’s name when a critic took it from a title of a Monet painting (Impression: Sunrise) and wrote a satirical negative review of their first exhibition. In fact most art movements tend to take shape in rebellion against a prior movement. Pop followed Abstract Expressionism. Pre-Raphaelites rebelled against Raphael and the Mannerists who followed him.
Open Mind
It’s not likely you, or anyone, has a completely open mind. I know I don’t. We end up believing certain ideas and it’s hard to let go of them, no matter how open minded we are. So, how do we keep as open a mind as possible? Well, the goal, for me at least, isn’t to have a completely open mind. It’s to have a mind that holds on lightly to ideas. It doesn’t mean I don’t believe them, but it means I am willing to accept the possibility that a new idea might come along that changes my mind. I don’t grab new ideas willy nilly just because they are new. But I do allow my mind to consider new ideas before I judge them.
Notice the quote does not say ‘Negative thoughts’. It says ‘A negative mind’ instead. That is because we all have negative thoughts and negative thoughts aren’t always bad. What is bad is when those negative thoughts become so predominant that one’s entire mind becomes negative. When your every response is negative. When your every judgment is negative. When your every decision is negative. Then you have become trapped. You have become automatic. And the automatic negative mind has no bridge to reach anything positive.
Starting Slow
So, how do you overcome this? You make the smallest of positive decisions. I have a friend online who has decided to do a half marathon later this year. She hasn’t run in over 2 years. My advice, and the advice of any reputable running coach? Start slow. Don’t try to run 13.1 miles tomorrow. don’t even try to run 1.31 miles tomorrow. Just get out and run 100 yards. Maybe do another 100 yards. Walk a lot. work up to greater distance, faster pace, etc. Have a plan, maybe a running buddy to hold you accountable.
The Plan
The same is true with our minds. Don’t make some grand proclamation that you are only going to be positive from now on. You know that isn’t realistic. What is realistic is when the next moment arrives where you have to make a choice on being negative or positive, choose positive. Maybe it’s complimenting food instead of critiquing it. Maybe it’s appreciating a view from your car instead of cursing the traffic. Something small, something you can actually do. Make a plan to do it with some regularity. Tell a friend what you are working on, maybe they will join you.
What Training Is
Then do it again. Little by little, as each moment arrives, you choose the positive as best you can. There will be times you won’t choose to be positive, just as in training for a race there will be days you will choose to skip a workout or shorten a run. That doesn’t mean you have failed, it means you are in training. Training means ups and downs, discoveries and doldrums, greats strides and pride, great feelings of failure. But training isn’t about success. Training is about practicing for success later on.
Success in Life
And what is success in life? It’s having lived a positive one. And you become what you practice.
The quote on my last ‘Body Image’ drawing was, “Loving your body only when it is in perfect shape is like loving your kids only when they are well-behaved.” While we were discussing the quote on Periscope (@thenapkindad) I realized I could switch out the word body for mind and the quote would still make sense and still be important. One’s body image is important, right? And so is one’s ‘Mind Image’.
What We Think Of How We Think
This can make a huge difference in our daily approach to life. For example, let’s say you think a lot of fearful thoughts. A few questions arise. Do you realize how much you think in fearful terms? Are you aware of how many stories you tell yourself about the past, present and future that have fear at their roots? It seems the answer would be “yes, obviously I am aware of that.” But that isn’t necessarily true.
Our Family Story
Have you ever heard a grown up tell a story, or perhaps you have told it, about when you first realized every family wasn’t like your family? That moment you realized not every family had the same rules as you, or the same discipline, or the same food. It was a revelation, right? Same is true with how we think. If you are raised with fear being the response your parents have to the world, then you could easily think fearfully and think everyone else must think fearfully as well. This could continue well into adulthood. There will probably come a time when you realize your fearful way of thinking isn’t shared by everyone else, but maybe not.
Mind Image
That is what I mean by Mind Image. it’s how you see your own mind and how it thinks. It’s watching it in the mental mirror just the same way as you see your body in the physical mirror. The difference is there isn’t one mental mirror like there can be one physical mirror. There can be many mental mirrors, both within yourself and without.
What To Do About It
It’s one of the best reasons to have good friends and family that you trust who will be honest about how they see you. I don’t mean you have to agree with how they see you, but it’s nice to know they are looking out for you and will tell you if they think your thinking seems to be off in some way. Maybe they notice you are being especially fearful and will ask you about it. Or maybe they will sense you are thinking depressed or anxious thoughts way more than you used to. If you don’t have that circle of trusted people, perhaps you have a therapist or a pastor or someone else who is paying attention.
Coach
I think of it like having a coach. Ever notice in sports that even those that are at the top of their games have coaches? Serena Williams, the most accomplished tennis player of her generation, has a coach. Lebron James, the greatest basketball player of his generation, has a coach. They have someone who can see what they are doing in ways they can’t see themselves.
The same is true with our mental game. Having someone who can watch and respond, help you see yourself more clearly, is of immense value in life. I am not simply talking about someone you talk to when you are in crisis. I am talking about someone to have by your side no matter what shape your mind is in. Waiting until a crisis arrives to let someone see how you feel or what you are thinking can often be too late. Having someone all the time is the key.
Do you have such a person or people? How have they helped you?
Yesterday, while I was drawing this, we were having a discussion on Periscope when someone unknown to me, or the #NapkinKin (our tribe) who were watching the scope, came in. He proceeded to say he was depressed and suicidal. I had a feeling he was a troll but I took it seriously anyway, doing my best to give him reasons to live. Others in the scope immediately helped out, giving suicide hotline numbers, explaining that they too suffered from depression and anxiety, and in general trying to help. It was amazing to be a part of it. It really made me love my #NapkinKin tribe more than ever before. He was in only a short time before he said an ominous “Goodbye…”
Mind and Body
I have no idea who he was or what he was about. I hope if he was serious we helped and if he wasn’t he will mature and not do such stupid things. But it doesn’t really matter for the sake of this discussion. The reason I mention it is because we then realized we could substitute ‘mind’ or ‘brain’ in place of ‘body’ in the quote and it would be the same.
Loving Doesn’t Equal OK
Loving our bodies, or our minds, is not the same as saying everything about our bodies or minds are perfect and no change is needed, just as with a misbehaving child. You aren’t going to tell the child that because you love them even when they misbehave that that means their behavior is ok. It’s not ok and you will likely find a punishment for them as a result. That is not the same as not loving them. As a matter of fact, it actually is evidence that you do love them (as long as the punishment is not abusive and hateful).
The same is true with your bodies and minds. If you have an issue with weight that precludes you from living a healthy life, then you are loving your body when you take action to reduce the weight. If it isn’t about weight but about bad skin, or no muscle tone, or bad acne, or a disease or illness, or something else, you are loving your body when you take action to remedy the situation as best you can. Loving yourself doesn’t mean you don’t know some areas need to change.
Evaluation vs Judgment
And so it is with our minds or our behaviors. I can love my mind while still realizing my predilection towards procrastination and avoidance needs work. I can still love my mind while still realizing my hot temper or anxiety or depression or ADHD or any number of things needs to be addressed.
The key in all of it is honestly evaluating who you are WITHOUT judging and condemning who you are. Evaluation is neutral. It says ‘this is an issue and I will address it’. Judgment is morally condemning. It says, ‘I am stupid for letting myself get fat.’ or ‘I am worthless because I can’t focus on something long enough to accomplish it.’ or ‘I hate myself because I can’t stop drinking.’
How Different Would It Be?
How different would you see yourself if you loved yourself no matter what? How different would your progress in whatever area you need or want progress in be if you allowed yourself an honest evaluation of yourself instead of condemning judgment?
You might think this quote is backwards. That the mind is what listens to your body, not the other way around, and you would be right. But the larger truth is that it is not a one way conversation. It’s not a monolog, it’s a dialog. Your body listens to what you say and think. Think negatively and your body will respond to that over time. Be hypochondriacal and your body will find a way to show you more and more things ‘wrong’ with you.
Positive Realism
One the other hand, speak and think positively about your body where it is at right now and you are helping your body. Positive doesn’t mean delusional. It does no good to say to your body “You are in GREAT shape body, good job!” if your body is in terrible shape, right? It’s about stating the truth to your body. “Body, we are here now, in this shape, at this age, in this condition.” The key is to not follow that statement with this one, “And body, because you are in this shape, I hate you, blame you and am giving up on you.” Just say the first sentence and do away with the judgment of the second sentence. Once you say the first sentence, but avoid the second, to your body, then you can move forward and transform or maintain your body as you wish. No judgment mean no negativity, just positive realism. And that starts with speaking truth to yourself, both your mind and your body.
What do you think? Does your body listen to your mind?
Have you ever seen two people whose faces are so different from each other that when their photographs are shown side by side they both look really strange, maybe even ugly? Their head shape, the placement and proportions of their facial features, their hair, their coloring, their skin are so different that it’s a jarring visual juxtaposition when it occurs.
If we happen to be one of those two people we can easily start to compare ourselves. Her forehead is smoother and rounder than mine. My eyes are so much closer together than hers. Her neck is smoother. My lips are thinner. And the list goes on.
What I think is surprising is it’s usually both people that feel that, not just one. The thin blonde looks with envy at the curvy brunette while the curvy brunette wishes she was thin like the blonde. The freckled one looks wishes she had the golden tan of the other while the golden girl wishes she had the fair skin of the freckled one.
Here are two videos that show off how different we all look from one another and how, when we compare beauty to beauty we end up seeing most everyone as ugly at some point. Why is that? First is one with famous celebrities
The second is of non-famous women
Getting Past
So, how do you get past this dilemma? By seeing yourself clearly. Not for who you are not, but for who you are, who you are made up of and how who you are fits together so well. And if there is something you want to change, resist judging yourself negatively. Instead evaluate and make a plan. Body too big? Make a plan. Hair too drab? Make a plan. Character too immature? Make a plan.
You are under your own control. You see your beauty when you see yourself clearly. And that is when you will see everyone else as more and more beautiful as well.
How much does your soul weigh? Your personality? How about your character? Does your Passion weigh anything? What about your intelligence, how heavy is that? Have you ever had your sense of humor weighed at the Doctor’s office? Is there a spot on the medical chart for the weight of your love, commitment, insight, compassion, mercy, tenderness, diligence, patience, opinions, wisdom, spirituality?
The Friend
I have a long time friend in another country who has a lot of very long distance online relationships. By ‘very’ I mean, other country, other language, thousands of miles away type distance. She has been unsuccessful in turning any of these into permanent, in person relationships. But she keeps trying.
The Lie
Recently she had a one year online relationship via text, Facebook, Skype and email, with a man. She planned to visit him in his home country. But there was a problem. She knew he liked thin, ‘sporty’ (her word) type women. She used to be thin and sporty, but now she had gained some weight and did not fit into that category. She was afraid if he knew, he would reject her. She was hoping that if she could meet him he would overcome his dislike for her extra weight because of his admiration and attraction to all the rest of her. So she sent him photos of herself back when she fit that look. When he wanted to see her now she sent photos of her face and some of her more attractive parts (not nude) but none of all of her.
When they Skyped she didn’t reveal her body shape, just her face. She tried to hide herself. He was suspicious and told her she didn’t seem to look the same as she used to. She told him that she still looked ‘good’, he would see. But she was nervous he wouldn’t approve. She went to the gym, lost some weight, not much. Not enough in her mind.
The Truth
After a year of long distance communication; detailed, intimate, truthful, deep communication where they told each other all about themselves, their dreams, their hopes, their desires, they finally met in person when she went on vacation to his home country. And sure enough, according to her telling of the story, within ten minutes he had lost interest. She said he was a gentleman, wasn’t rude, but that she could tell he had made up his mind about her. They spent some time together. She remembers being incredibly self-conscious in the coffee house when they first met. She didn’t want to take off her coat because he would see her big (her word) arms, legs, hands. She knew her breasts look great, but she knew that wasn’t enough by any means. The rest of her did not look like he was lead to believe.
She came back to her home country devastated. He was kind, told her they would still be friends, but that he wasn’t interested romantically. She wants now to know why. Is it due to her extra weight or is it just no chemistry? I told her in my opinion, based on what she said his reactions and words have been over the year when discussing weight, that it probably was weight.
Goal
She said her goal now is to get back in shape, lose the weight, go back to his country and see what he thinks. I have told her instead that the best idea is to get in shape for herself, for her confidence. She agreed.
The life of long distance relationship building is a hard life to navigate through. People naturally want to hide their defects and show off their best parts. She showed her face but because she was embarrassed by her body she lied to him. She understands now that was wrong and unfair. I am hopeful she has learned that facing the truth and allowing others to see the truth, whatever it is, is best. I want her to find peace and confidence in herself before meeting him again. Her victory will come when she realizes she doesn’t need approval from him or anyone else.
