by Marty Coleman | Sep 6, 2018 | Janice Mirikitani, Silence - 2018 |
Ask a gay person who is not out of the closet what it is like and they will likely tell you it’s like being in a prison. I believe the same is likely true for a victim of domestic abuse who hasn’t been able to tell anyone the truth. And someone with a suspect past no one can know about? I bet they feel imprisoned as well. Basically anyone with a secret that they believe will harm them if found out is in that boat. What do they all have in common? Silence. As a matter of fact many people who do break through and tell their story find out it wasn’t the story that imprisoned them, it was the silence.
It seems so counter-intuitive. The fear is that exposure will lead to shame or guilt or condemnation or judgment. But keeping it all secret leads to all those things as well. It’s just that they are all internalized, thrown at you by yourself instead of others. It’s a heavy burden to bear. So, what is the solution?
There are times when it’s wise to stay silent about something. Perhaps it would hurt someone else unnecessarily or maybe it would put you in danger. But in many cases the secret is coming so close to destroying you from inside that you must let it out to someone in some way. Maybe a counselor, family member, or even a stranger would be best. But if the choice is between self-destruction and telling a secret, by all means find a way to let the secret out.
It really will turn out to be better on the other side of the wall of silence.
Drawing and commentary © 2018 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by Janice Mirikitani, Asian-American Poet
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by Marty Coleman | Jun 13, 2018 | Erica Jong, Gender Equality |
The Bargain
This gets right to the heart of the fantasy that drives so much historic gender inequality. Some men want women to embody a certain societal fantasy ideal. In the worst case they seduce the woman into living up to that ideal (on the surface at least) by offering them a bargain. If you meet their ideal standards they will not only idolize you but you will also get preferential treatment, physical protection, financial safety, social status and loyalty. Sounds like a bargain, right? Many women have made that bargain and have lived with it for their entire lives. Some may even have been satisfied with that life. But many more have lived under the bargain for a while, believing the fantasy ideal just as much as the man, only to discover the downside.
The Downside
The downside is that the man will not let you be his equal in the corridors of business, governance and public life in general. They will be critical as you age, as you lose shape, as you pay attention to our offspring more than you do to them, and as you try to gain some level of independent significance. Then the man will be dissatisfied and feel justified in removing elements of the bargain as you falter in your ideal status. And they will feel justified in searching out a new ideal to pursue.
Powerless to Powerful
And then you realize your idealization has come at the price of powerlessness. At least that is what that man wants you to believe. That is the fear he hopes keeps you in ‘your place’. But the truth is you are not powerless. The only thing hiding your power away is your fear. It is a fear that giving up the bargain will reduce you to powerlessness when actually you already are powerless. The truth is breaking free will liberate you to be powerful. This does not necessarily mean breaking free from a marriage, though it often does mean that. What it really means is breaking free from the fantasy and illusion that you have to rely on a sexist bargain to exist.
Mutual Benefit
This is not just a benefit to the woman to break free, but to the man as well. Of course, it doesn’t seem like that at first, but if the man let’s go of this sexist bargain he will gain something he hasn’t had, a true, equal partner in the world. A person bonded to him in love, not in fear. He will gain a partner who is free to pursue her full potential in whatever direction she wants. And when that happens, both parties to the old bargain win.
What do you think?
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by Erica Jong, 1942 – not dead yet, American author
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by Marty Coleman | Jun 1, 2018 | Baba Ram Dass, Quiet & Silence, Rumi |
Unplug
I wake up every day around 5am and start my morning ritual. The very first thing I do is unplug our cats’ automatic watering bowl (it is a little waterfall gizmo that allows them to drink running water). Why do I unplug it? Because it’s got an electrical buzzing sound to it. It’s annoyingly loud in the morning when there are no other sounds in the house. Later in the day, especially if music or TV is on, I barely hear it. But in the morning? It’s like a roaring freight train sometimes.
Tinnitus
One thing I can’t turn off every morning is my Tinnitus. I have had ringing in my ears since 2000. It came on when I was repeatedly in a very loud contemporary worship service at Asbury Methodist Church here in Tulsa. I told the worship leader and music leader the volume was too loud numerous times and that it was going to hurt someone’s hearing eventually, but they ignored me. It did turn out to affect someone’s hearing, mine. What do I hate the most about it? I hate it when I am in an otherwise completely silent and peaceful environment. It’s like that cat watering gizmo annoyingly getting in the way of the silence.
Self-Noise
But this quote is more than just about physical silence. It’s also about mind silence or self-noise. For example, I am sure you know the old problem of thinking of a response while someone is speaking to you instead of just listening to them. What is that but self-noise in your head getting in the way of hearing what the other person is actually saying. Your self-noise is loud, wanting to get validation or respect or power from the person you are talking to or from those listening in. It’s your ego in the way and what is your ego but self-noise?
Care Enough to Not Care
So, how do you combat this? It’s to not care. What do I mean? I mean you give up caring about your status or your reputation or your ego or your defense. You let that self-noise fade away and just listen to what is around you. It might be a child or parent, it might be a co-worker. Get rid of your own automatic response (self-noise) and you might be able to hear not just what they are saying but who they are deep inside. And then you have solid information received clearly that you can respond to.
Quote attributed to both Rumi and Ram Dass.
Drawing and commentary © 2018 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
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by Marty Coleman | May 31, 2018 | I Draw in Church, Marty Coleman |
“I’d rather be respected than loved.” – Eli Broad
This is my drawing of our preacher this past Sunday. Her name is Paula. She spoke on marriage from a woman’s perspective. Her husband, named Deron, also spoke about marriage, but from a man’s perspective. There was a bit of stereotyping, which she told us would be coming. It is true that stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason (sometimes) and in this case there is enough truth that I understood why she used them. She basically said that while most women want love, most men want respect. I can see that in my life. But it’s important to note that women, while wanting love, do also want respect.
The battle for equality on behalf of women for the last 150 years in this country is proof of that. The fact that it was a risky move to even have a female preacher up at the altar is also proof of that. They have had to fight for that equality even though their behavior and actions have proven they are worthy of it many times over. From talking to my wife, daughters and others, it’s a very frustrating position to be in, whether in career, education, home or social life. Women want their intellect respected, as well as their decision-making, emotions, insights, capabilities in the workplace and their creativity. And they want their bodies respected at all times.
Many men already get plenty of respect from society, but not all. Often times a man will suffer disrespect until they reach a boiling point, then explode in anger and resentment at not getting it. If they were able to ask for it, and explain how the lack of it truly hurts them, then perhaps they would get it before their blow up. But that would demand a vulnerability that most men aren’t comfortable with. To ask for something like that, or to explain their hurt, could open them up to ridicule or even put them in a dangerous position with other males. The male preacher brought up a good point however, and that is they have to deserve it. Asking for respect when their actions aren’t respectable or respectful is going to fall on deaf ears.
So, it seems to me there is a bit of a lopsided element to respect. Women often do more than enough to deserve respect and don’t get it. Men often do very little to deserve respect but get it anyway. Men often times will demand the respect and might get it out of intimidation or fear. Women will often not demand respect out of the same reasons.
How do we balance out this inequality? That is where the love comes in. Yes, it’s great to be respected, but at the root of respect is love. My wife and my song is ‘What a Wonderful World’. One of my favorite lines is this: “I see friends shaking hands, saying ‘how do you do’, they’re really saying ‘I love you’. And what is shaking hands but a show of respect, right? Well if the line is true (and I think it is) what lies behind that respect is love. Love is what allows the empathy needed to see the frustration on the part of women when they are not respected. Love is what allows the sensitivity needed to see the hurt behind the disrespect men sometimes get. Without love in your heart, respect is just an academic exercise you can dismiss at will. With love, it’s the mechanism by which you can love the whole world.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
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by Marty Coleman | Jan 12, 2018 | Bert Hellinger, Creativity - 2009-2013 |
Seeing What Others Don’t
Because I am known to be an artist people aren’t surprised when I see things like patterns, details, connections, concepts, etc. that they don’t. They just chalk it up to ‘that’s because he is an artist.’ But I think people get it backwards. Seeing all those things is what made me an artist, not the other way around.
Not Saying No
Why did I and other artists see those things when others didn’t? Because we didn’t say ‘no’. We don’t dismiss an idea because it is not approved. We don’t dismiss a vision because it doesn’t make sense. We don’t dismiss a connection between things because the connection has never been made before. In other words we don’t follow rules.
Rule Followers, Rule Breakers
Wait, I take that back. We don’t follow some rules but we do follow others. That is why some artists are radicals and shock everyone (they follow very few rules) and other artists are the darlings of the rule followers (because they only break very insignificant rules, if any).
How Radical Are You?
in the context of the quote and illustration above you might say the skeptic is the radical, right? She broke the rules of her religion, no longer believing what her religion says she must believe. But if that skeptic merely exchanges one set of rules, the religious ones, for the skeptics’ set of rules, how much has really changed? How much has she really seen in a new or fresh way? It might appear she has at first since obviously there is a breaking away from a set of rules, but then she becomes as doctrinaire as she ever was as a religious follower and nothing really has changed.
Truly Free
The truly free person is the one who holds their ideas and rules lightly. It’s not that they never hold on to them but they aren’t bound to them to such an extent that they don’t see beyond them. They are willing to consider new and strange ideas, issues, images without judgment beforehand. They are willing to see connections that aren’t immediately apparent.
Drawing and commentary © 2018 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
“Skepticism is like faith: both are substitutes for seeing.” – Bert Hellinger, 1925 – not dead yet, German Psychotherapist
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by Marty Coleman | Dec 17, 2017 | Samuel Johnson, Success - 2017 |
The Key
Ask any performer what is the key to her or his success and I bet a majority will say, ‘perseverance’. They just stuck with it audition after audition until they reached the success they wanted.
Now, replace the word ‘performer’ in the sentence about with almost any other profession or activity. Then replace ‘audition’ in the second sentence with whatever that new profession or activity needs to do repeatedly to be successful.
- Lawyer – litigation
- Artist – drawing
- Runner – race
- Accountant – tax return
- Pitcher – pitch
- Baker – cake
- Yogi – pose
You get the idea. What endeavor is it possible to succeed in without repeated effort in the same direction? None.
Perfection
Now, take one of the professions above (or add your own if it’s not listed) and ask yourself what is the likelihood that each and every audition, litigation, drawing, race, tax return, pitch, cake, or pose will have been done perfectly every time on that road to success? None.
What does that mean? It means that perseverance is not just about continuing to do something. It’s continuing to do something you are failing at. That you are no good at. That others do better than you. That people criticize you for. That you have no guarantee you will succeed at.
What does it take to have that sort of perseverance? Belief that it is what you are supposed to be doing, in spite of what it looks like at any one moment.
A Little Help From Your Friends
Last fall I had a runner in one of my running groups who was training for her first marathon. She had some seriously hard training runs that wiped her out and made her decide she just didn’t have it in her to do a full marathon. She told the group via Facebook that she was bummed and was going to switch to half marathon training. The response was an outpouring of ‘oh, have I been in your shoes before!’ comments. There was comment after comment talking about how she was bound to have crappy, hard times during a long season and that they knew she would be able to turn it around with a little tweak to her training, a little change in her mindset, a little prop up from her friends.
And she listened to us and stuck with the program. And 6 weeks later she ran her marathon and felt great about it. What was that? That was the way most people are able to persevere, with a little help from their friends.
Reach Out
So, if you are doubting yourself and your path but you really know you are supposed to be on it, then don’t be alone. Reach out and get that encouragement, that advice, that shoulder to cry on. Get whatever you need to keep going. Help is out there and it wants to help you.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by Samuel Johnson, 1709-1784, English writer
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by Marty Coleman | Nov 2, 2017 | Maya Angelou, The Virtues |
This original drawing is available for purchase here and a print of the drawing is available here.
courage |ˈkərij; ˈkə-rij| – First known use was in the 14th century
noun
- The ability to do something that frightens one : she called on all her courage to face the ordeal.
- Strength in the face of pain or grief : he fought his illness with great courage.
Faux Fighting
When I was in Elementary school I was regularly challenged (or did the challenging myself) to a fight with one of the Aprahamian brothers. We would taunt each other over girls (usually a girl named Patty, who was very cute) and decide to meet after school at the baseball field across the street to fight. I didn’t take any courage to do this because we all knew we weren’t really going to meet and fight. We just liked pretending we were going to.
I wheedled my way out of fights all through my school years (as did almost every other boy I knew) by using humor and bravado. But it didn’t include courage. I only got in one physical fight and that consisted of a slap (yep, a slap, not a punch) I gave Rusty. Right after that Rusty and I became great friends and we were part of each other’s gang of buddies for the remaining years of High School. I didn’t learn a lot about courage from all these non-existent fights.
Real Fighting
I first learned courage from living at home. Both my mother and father were heavy drinkers. With the drinking came some serious arguments. And with those arguments came me having to decide how much to intervene. My father wasn’t physically abusive but he was dominating in voice and anger and that was enough. I had to muster up all the courage I could at times to go downstairs and try to stop the fighting. I didn’t always decide to do that, sometimes I would put my headphones on and ignore it as best I could, hoping it would just go away. But I had a much younger sister at home and if she was downstairs, or wherever the arguing was, I would try to be there as well, if nothing else to get her back up stairs to her room. And sometimes it would just be too much and I would let out my anger and frustration at them both. That took courage. My older sister was learning courage at this same time, as she was pretty much going through the same thing I was.
Building Courage
There were plenty of other instances in my life where courage was required for me to move forward in life (and in at least one case survive at all). The key here is that courage is never learned from another person. It can be witnessed and admired yes, but one’s own courage is not built by that. It’s built by one’s own experiences. Building courage is like building muscle. Chances are you are not going to be able to lift your own body weight the first time you lift weights. But if you start light and are consistent, before you know it you will be able to lift that weight. Courage is a muscle.
The same is true with courage. The person who has never built any courage at all is not likely to have the courage to face something extreme. But if, as you live your life, you take small chances in activities, statements, relationships, and adventure, then chances are you will be able to face the next thing with more courage.
So here is my challenge to you: No matter what level of courage you now have, take a small step that builds on it. Maybe it’s about a diet plan, perhaps it’s about traveling somewhere, or it could be about a physical activity you want to try. Take that small courageous step towards that new goal. You can do it. And when you do it, it will lead you to something great.
Drawing and commentary © 2017 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
“Without courage we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency.” – Maya Angelou, 1928-2014, American writer.
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 11, 2017 | Artists, Lionel Trilling |
Unrelatable
Being an artist sets you outside a certain framework of society. Think of it this way. If you were a back-to-nature family living off the land, growing your own veggies, killing your own wild game, making your own clothes, and building your own home and furniture, how connected would you feel to a media that was constantly talking about and advertising processed food, big box stores, beauty products, vacations to all-inclusive resorts, and more? I expect you would feel like none it applies to you. You aren’t who they are talking to, right?
The Needy System
Being an artist can be the same way and here’s why. The social system I just mentioned wants us to need it for entertainment, creativity, purpose. It works hard to integrate (or entrap, depending on your perspective) individuals into that system. It wants dependence because that is how it runs. But artists don’t need that. We don’t have our identity in a job we do, we have it in our own creativity. We don’t have our identity in the system and thus we are not dependent on it. We are a danger to that system’s hegemony.
The Abrasive
Now in most cases the artist isn’t THAT big a danger. They aren’t creating something that is going to threaten or destroy the system, they are just a grain of sand in the lotion. And, just as sometimes lotion manufacturers like some sort of mild abrasive in their lotion to clean or refresh the skin better, the system likes these artists because they give the illusion of freedom. They are free to do what they want and that means so are you. But the system knows that while technically you are free, you aren’t going to exploit that freedom to do anything radical.
Danger
What happens when artists really do something radical? They are attacked, minimized and ostracized. Their creations are publicized as dangerous or evil or ugly. It is the product of a disturbed mind or a dangerous philosophy or a perverted morality. It is not to be trusted. To show interest in it casts the viewer in an ugly light.
A great example of course is music. in the 20th century we have plenty of examples. Elvis was dangerous. The Rolling Stones were dangerous. ‘Negro music’ was dangerous. Go back even farther and, hard as it is to believe, the Waltz was dangerous.
The Beautiful Effort
And underneath it all, why is art dangerous? Because it gives sight and sound to pain, longing, need, wonder, love, hate and more, and turns it into beauty. I don’t mean everyone will see it as beautiful, even those not entrapped in the system. What I mean is the artistic impulse and the artistic process is beautiful. Not because the end result will always look beautiful but because the effort is a beautiful and noble effort to understand all those things at the deepest level.
And that is dangerous.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
“What marks the artist is their power to shape the material of pain we all share.” – Lionel Trilling, 1905-1975, American Essayist and Teacher
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 25, 2017 | Emma Carlton, Trump |
For Sale – Original Drawing | Print
Who do you know with a great reputation primarily from their own bragging about their reputation? I suspect not many. And if you do know anyone who is always trying to prop their reputation up through their own bragging I also suspect you think they are somewhat pathetic and sad to see them do so.
In sports there are some who are known as ‘hot dogs’. They brag about themselves constantly. And there is one determining factor as to whether we will stand for that type of behavior; do they back it up with action? If they do, then we may not like the bragging but we will say, at least he or she backs it up, right? But if they don’t? Then there is a no more pathetic person than that one. He or she becomes an embarrassment.
If I was talking to The Orange Man I would tell him that a person’s reputation isn’t what they say it is, it’s what other people say it is. The more you tell people how great you are, the less likely it is they will believe you or like you, because you haven’t proved it to them, you’ve just shouted it at them. And eventually, they will take great satisfaction in seeing your self-blown bubble burst.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
“Reputation is a bubble a person bursts when they try to blow it up for themselves.” – Emma Carleton (1850-1925) American Journalist.
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 15, 2017 | Andrea Dykstra, Self-HELP!! - 2015 |
Available as a Print, framed or unframed
Deeper
This is a tough one. But as hard as it seems to be able to do, from my experience it seems essential to self understanding. I don’t believe you can have love for yourself if there is no understanding of what it is you have gone through in life. And that love is only able to blossom if you have come to understand the experience deeper than just the hated part of it.
My Life
In my own life there were alcoholic parents, terrible physical injuries, uprooting myself from more than one college for reasons beyond my control, and an excruciating divorce after 20 years of marriage. And those are just the highlights. Could I have hated all those events? In fact I did have hate for them. But I wasn’t FILLED with hate. Hate was part of what I felt. But so was hope, fear, happiness, anger, frustration, determination, love. I developed resilience, perseverance, a sense of adventure, compassion, love, and strength that led me forward through those things. And I was deliberate in looking at the value those events had in creating the positive part of who I am and what I can do.
Growing
Here’s the thing. You will not get to be old in this life without events that hurt you, scare you, destroy you. You will not get old without injury, illness, failure. Those things will exist at some point in some way. Your decision is the label you give them. Is ‘hate’ the first word, maybe the only word, you attach to that event? Then I submit you haven’t looked deep enough at it. By giving more labels to these things you aren’t giving up the right to say you hated it. You are simply saying there was more to it than just the hated part. Focus on that other part. What did you learn, how did you grow, who did you help as a result?
Don’t Love Hating
I know I have lived just one life. It’s a life that didn’t include many terrible things, things that I can’t imagine having to deal with. I can’t say I would have been successful in overcoming the hate if any number of other things had happened. But I do know there are many who have so focused on what they hate about something or someone in their past (or present) that they aren’t able or willing to see beyond it. Their identity is attached to what they hate. And I know of no people who are happy being that way.
A few years ago I posted a napkin drawing using a quote by Sarah Haines that struck me profoundly. “Don’t love hating people.” It is a variation on this same theme and I hope you will go read what I had to say about it as well.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
“In order to love who you are you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.” – Andrea Dykstra
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