by Marty Coleman | Aug 19, 2014 | Marty Coleman, Well Wealth - 2011 |
I hope you survive day #2 of Wealth Week!
The Good Old Poor Days
One of the things you can be most confident of when listening to an older couple talk about their lives together is that there will eventually be a moment in the story telling when one of them says, “We had nothing and were broke almost all the time, but we had love and fun in our household.” It’s not a universal, and there are people who will also say those days were terrible. But many will look back fondly on having overcome the adversity of little money, a crappy apartment, a lousy first job, or any number of other things that can befall us.
When my first wife and I started our family we lived in a pretty crappy 90 year old rental home in downtown San Jose, California. There was 2 bedrooms, one bathroom, a pretty ugly backyard. We had mostly hand-me-down furniture and inexpensive or handmade clothing and other items around the house. The 3 girls all lived in the same room. I worked 3 jobs, my wife worked one on and off, and we barely made ends meet. But still it worked out pretty well, the kids were happy and we enjoyed our lives.
The Bad New Rich Days
We moved to Oklahoma in 1994 when I got a new job. The cost of living was SO LOW that we were able to buy a big 4 bedroom house for the same price we were paying rent. We weren’t wealthy by any means, but we certainly were prospering compared to back in San Jose. And with that came not more satisfaction, but more dissatisfaction. My wife reached her relationship breaking point with me within a few years of being in Tulsa and the marriage broke apart as a result.
There were other elements to the break up besides money, but my wife especially was more than a little uncomfortable with a bigger house in the suburbs and all that went with it. As a matter of fact, when we separated she bought a very small house much more like the one we had in San Jose than the bigger suburban house were were living in. This was partly due to finances of course, but it was also the type of house she had mentioned she wanted many times as we drove around the Tulsa area in the years before our split.
Question:
Why is it that many of us have such a hard time with prosperity? What is it that happens to make us more dissatisfied when logically everything should be pointing us to a greater level of satisfaction?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote is mine and is an interpretation of a longer quote by Alan Gregg
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“Humans are great at surviving adversity, not so great at surviving prosperity”
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by Marty Coleman | Aug 18, 2014 | Lew Wallace, Well Wealth - 2011 |
It’s the start of a new Wealth Week (I did one in 2011 that these will be added to) and I have a question. We alway think wealth is filled with positives, but it can also be a test. Have you had great abundance of some sort come upon you quickly or unexpectedly? Maybe it was money, or maybe it was property or some other material thing or a relationship that gave you much more than you ever could have hoped for.
What was your response? Was it a trial? What did you learn from it?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Lew Wallace, 1827, 1905, American statesman and author of ‘Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ’
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“A human is never so on trial as in the moment of excessive good fortune”
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by Marty Coleman | Aug 13, 2014 | Laughter - 2014, Oscar Wilde |
It’s the end of Laughter. Well, my series on it at least.
The Best
Recently an online acquaintance of mine, Deana Silk, moved 100 miles away to Oklahoma City from Tulsa. She is friends with a number of my friends, so her departure was well documented in social media with photos of going away parties and lunches that I saw in my various feeds. She has also been a well-known local newscaster here in Tulsa for 10+ years so there were on-air remembrances of her time at the station where she worked as well.
There were tears in the pictures and tears on the set. But what was more in abundance than the tears were the smiles and laughs. I mean BIG SMILES AND BIG LAUGHS. Not only does Deana have a great smile and laugh but everyone around her did as well. I didn’t need to be at the parties to see how much fun they all had together. And the on-air remembrances, while mentioning her professional capabilities (which are substantial), were more focused on the fun they all had together on the set and on location.
The Good and the Bad
Watching that move from afar made me think how much happier someone is when they depart with smiles and laughs than when they don’t. I moved across the country with my family in 1994 and the departure from San Jose, California was filled with happy laughs and great remembrances. But I also have been in a job where I had to be walked out the door (as is common in corporate offices) on the day I was let go. There was no joyous laughter, just a lonely walk out the door, cut off from a proper ending. That sucks when that happens and I have seen it happen way too many times.
The Worst
But there is an even worse scenario, and that is when you are leaving and no one cares, perhaps because there were very few smiles or laughs. That would suck even more. How do you avoid something like that? Well, the key is in Deana’s on-air remembrances. Her time on the job was filled with that joy and laughter. She engaged and had fun with her co-workers all through the years, even as she met her professional responsibilities. In other words, it was an accumulation of love, not just a moment of it.
The Best Again
Just for fun, here is a clip of the going away party for the CEO of Net-A-Porter. Take a look and think how much he was loved and how much laughter and joy had to been given and received over the years. Oh, and be glad you aren’t the man or woman who follows in his footsteps!
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Oscar Wilde
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by Marty Coleman | Aug 12, 2014 | Ebony Arwen, Laughter - 2014 |
I was already in the midst of doing a series on laughter when I heard of Robin William’s death. There was no reason to change course.
The Balance
As with many around the planet, I am not just surprised by the news of Robin William’s passing but am surprised by how emotional his death is for me. I see again and again over the past 24 hours people talking and posting and responding to the event by stating flatly their shock, then their sadness, then their remembrance of how he moved them in his various character portrayals.
As I was watching one of the morning programs giving their headlines over to his death in a way not usually reserved for celebrities I was almost brought to tears. But then there was a huge shock. The next story? About the emergency food and water drop in Iraq and the brutal, cruel, barbaric killing going on there. The one after that? The continuing rise in deaths from Ebola. After that? The riot and aftermath in Ferguson, Missouri over the death of an unarmed teen at the hands of a police officer.
Report after report of the most brutal events came, one after another. And then it hit me. There is such a frail balance between joy and sorrow in the world. When you hear and see about such terrible atrocities around the globe, you really rely on those people and events that give you joy to balance it out. Having Robin Williams depart is a big blow to that balance for me. The emotion is even greater because it’s as if all his joyful characters left as well. Luckily, that is not the case, they are on film to be seen for a long time. But the spark that created those characters is gone, and that is almost just as sad.
The Depth
While we love comedy and laughter, and it helps us balance out the pain in the world or in our own lives, it’s important to realize that laughter will never truly mask pain permanently. Pain will find a way out, either directly or indirectly. The more you attempt to go around pain, the farther and scarier your journey to healing actually becomes. It’s tough to face it directly and honestly we all find ways to avoid it if we can, but eventually we have to face it and the sooner we do, the stronger we will be.
From Ebony of Perth
I found the quote I used while reading a blogging friend’s heartfelt response to his death. It touched me because of how it connected William’s death to her own personal story of her father’s death. Here is what she wrote.
For Robin’s family, there may never be a silver lining evident. As someone who has lost my dad to suicide, I want people to know that even in dark times, there is light to be found.
I found out that my dad died the day after MJ passed and virtually suffered in silence as the world mourned a controversial celebrity. He had sent me a message I never replied to and have not been capable of reading since. Despite that, it does get better. We can all heal together.
Today there may be no blessings for Robin’s family. The majority of the world are far enough away from the loss, to be able to see that this can be a lesson on mental health and the fucked up stigma surrounding it.
The shiniest angels sometimes have the darkest demons. What goes up must come down. Ask for help and offer it whenever you feel is right. The answer to an unasked question is always no and ignorance is not bliss any more. Unless you felt good when you heard.
We have lost a warrior, we have not lost the war. May his memory rest in peace and his works remain in history forever.
You can find out more about Ebony of Perth at her website, The Adventures of Ebony.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote and quoted story by Ebony Arwen, 1992 – not dead yet, Australian writer and blogger
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by Marty Coleman | Aug 8, 2014 | Laughter - 2014, Martin Luther |
Hell yea, it’s day #3 of Laughter week!
Seriously
Have you ever heard this quote from the Bible? “Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving” Eph 5:4
I went looking for the exact quote to make sure I got it right and found some interesting sites! There’s one that starts out with, ‘Laughter is not joy and humor is not from God’. It then goes on for a LONG time describing in details why jokes and joking and humor are bad and destructive. Ironically, it’s very funny.
There is also a site that asks the question, “Did Jesus ever laugh?” That made me laugh.
Good Humor
I don’t like hearing jokes that are hurtful and mean-spirited. That is why I avoid TV shows and comedians that use their humor in mean-spirited and hurtful ways. Not because it isn’t funny; sometimes mean things are funny, but because it hurts. And yes, I understand there is a fuzzy line between appropriate and inappropriate and the line is different for each person.
Food Poisoning
So, when am I responsible for my response? I liken it to eating something poisonous vs eating something rotten. I can eat something filled with poison but not know it. then I am dead or really sick. Bad luck for me. I can also eat something where there is something a little off about the taste or smell. I chalk it up to you being paranoid and eat it anyway. Then the food turns out to rotten and I end up with food poisoning. In that case, I am to blame for not heeding my better instincts and avoiding the food.
The same is true with humor. Sometimes I don’t realize the humor is hurting someone and I just laugh. Sometimes I understand it is humor between friends, meant in an affectionate way and no offense is taken. But other times I do know it is hurtful and I choose to listen and laugh at it anyway. That’s not a good thing in my book.
While I am not a big believer in the idea of heaven in the first place, if it does exist I hope it’s filled with a lot of fun and laughter just nothing mean and hurtful.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Martin Luther, 1483 – 1546, German monk, founder of the Lutheran Church and foremost Protestant of the reformation era.
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If you’re not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.
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by Marty Coleman | Aug 7, 2014 | Laughter - 2014, Victor Borge |
It’s cracking me up that today is day #2 of the Laughter Series!
The Great Dissolve
I have a lot of friends here in Tulsa and around the country who are conservative Republicans. I am not. Sometimes on Facebook or elsewhere we can get in some pretty intense debates about stuff.
But when we get together (online or in person) and something funny is said or happens, our political affiliation immediately disappears and we just laugh. That is a good thing.
I also have friends in other countries with widely differing understandings of the world. But when something is funny between us, it’s funny there in South Africa, Russia, Korea, Australia, Slovakia, Mexico, Canada, Indonesia, India, and Norway.
Wars aren’t started by people having fun and laughing in a positive way. Laughing is good.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Victor Borge, 1909 – 2000, Danish musician and comedian. He was a favorite of my parents and was one of the funniest people I ever saw or heard.
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by Marty Coleman | Aug 6, 2014 | Anonymous, Laughter - 2014 |
Laugh all you want, but today is day #1 of the Laughter series.
Men, I Tell Ya
I recently became more active in a Dad Blogger’s Facebook group. One thing I noticed was how much ribbing goes on there. It’s not that men aren’t asking or talking about serious questions, or that they aren’t opening up about sensitive things, they are. And there are plenty of answers and discussions that are equally serious, sensitive and helpful. Guys are surprisingly vulnerable there, mostly because they know they will be heard and not condemned as they might in another venue. But they also know that within all the sensitivity and helpfulness there is going to be some serious making fun of them. There will be some ‘what a wimp’ or ‘Man, your wife is one unlucky woman’ type statements. The men who put themselves out there and get those sorts of responses understand that within this group, cracking a joke, especially at their expense, is an essential part of the bonding and fun between everyone. It can go on and on and on for days.
The One Liner
BUT, right along side this ribbing are some truly sensitive, helpful, vulnerable and positive responses, from the same men who are doing the ribbing. This can happen while the group rallies to raise money for one of the guys with cancer. This happens when one of the guys is blindsided by a wife asking for a divorce. Truly terrible and heart rending situations that the men take seriously. But they also know a good one liner when they hear one and will often insert it because, well, how could you waste a perfectly good one liner just because a guy is getting a divorce, right? The truth is that guy getting a divorce, the one devastated and demolished? He understands that and, from what I have seen so far, truly appreciates the camaraderie and brotherhood exhibited by the joking. He knows the deep care that is there and that makes the joke (even a lame one) something that draws them closer, not farther, from each other.
Women Being Made Fun Of
This group pretty much backs up a belief I have. Men, in my experience, can take a joke better than most women. Men get ribbed more and understand in advance that it is not likely that the ribbing is serious. Even if it is serious, they know best way to respond is to laugh it off and allow others to laugh at your expense. Women, more sensitive in general (in my opinion), and less likely to have been around a world where making fun of someone is done with affection, are hurt by this sort of ribbing. They take it personally and feel unloved and uncared for when it happens.
Danger
Having said that, when someone does not take ribbing or being made fun of well, it will likely be a man who overreacts and does something seriously stupid and/or dangerous. A woman might get depressed about it all but a man can, and too often does, get angry and violent. Their ego and pride has been bruised, they want revenge, they want to get even. I am not saying women never have that reaction, just that it’s more likely that men will react that way. This is the downside of the male being made fun of.
This dilemma is illustrated by another napkin drawing I did a number of months ago. Click in the napkin to go to that blog post.
The Key
The key in my mind is learn that it’s ok to be made fun of, you will survive it. You will survive it even better if you take it with a grain of salt and let it go.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote (first napkin) is Anonymous
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by Marty Coleman | Aug 1, 2014 | Oscar Wilde, Quote Authors |
Finding God’s Will
I once heard a sermon on cassette tape (yes, THAT long ago). One part of that sermon really stuck with me over the years. It was titled, ‘Finding God’s Will’. I was not expecting much. I figured it was going to be the cliche answer I had heard before. But it wasn’t. The answer was to be selfish. Say WHAT? Being selfish? Isn’t that the exact opposite of doing God’s will? Since then I have come to see that the answer is true.
Here’s the idea. God (if you believe in God, if not, then genetics, universe, earth mother, whatever you want) gave you a set of desires. Things you like, things you enjoy, things you want to do. The traditional idea of God’s will visualizes you denying all these things to go do something sacrificial and ‘important’.
Simplicity
But the truth is God (or whatever) didn’t give you your desires and interests just to force you to deny them. They were given to you to use. They are what drives you forward. As simple as it sounds, God’s will is to do whatever you want to do. All that needs to be asked is are you doing something immoral or unethical while pursuing this activity you love. And how do you know if you are or not? Easy enough – Are you inflicting pain or suffering on another, either directly or indirectly? If not, then it’s God’s will.
Behave Yourself!
What does this have to do with the drawing above? The world wants you to behave. It wants you to fit in and do what you are told. Those who have power over you can often want to mold you into who they want you to be. They want you to do what they want you to do not what you want to do. And they might easily tell you that who you want to be is not ok. It’s not good enough, or Godly enough, or important enough. It’s too out there, it’s too frivolous, it’s too degrading, it’s too embarrassing.
Courage
But they don’t get to decide that for you, you get to decide it. Of course you have to have the courage to stand up and say ‘This is what I want to do.’ and do it. Some never get that courage and lead lives others have designed for them, often under the illusion that they are doing God’s will.
What do you think of this idea?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Oscar Wilde, 1854-1900, Irish author and playwright
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Selfishness is not living your life as you wish. It’s asking others to live their life as you wish.
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by Marty Coleman | Jul 25, 2014 | Enjoying Life - 2014, Frederich Nietzsche |
It’s no secret, today is #4 of our ‘Enjoying Life’ series!
Five Dangerous Things I Did as a Teenager that I Enjoyed
Taking my small boat out alone after midnight for a rendezvous with 3 European women, 2 Swedish, 1 Finnish, who were anchored out on a boat in a nearby cove. My buddies and I had met them earlier that day while water skiing. Nobody really believed me when I told them what happened, but it did. Kids, if you are reading this, don’t do this.
Hitchhiking from Connecticut to Ohio during my freshman year of college with my roommate. We promised the young couple who picked us up and who were eloping to Florida (or something like that) a joint or two if they took us all the way to the campus, which they did and we did. We were two days late and didn’t think it all that important to tell anyone where we were. Our friends and family weren’t happy about that but we had fun. Kids, if you are reading this, don’t do this.
Streaking (running naked, a fad in the 70s) across my college campus in the snow in the middle of the night and getting stuck behind a grove of trees with 3 friends when a performance let out at the local theatre and the cars exited on the road we had to cross to get back to the dorm. We were stuck for about 10 minutes and it was COLD! Kids, if you are reading this, don’t do this.
Taking the air conditioner out of my girlfriend’s bedroom window from the outside so I could sneak in and having to run like hell when I almost got caught by her father. I guess I could trace my running career to that night if I really want to. Kids, if you are reading this, don’t do this.
Driving to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina for spring break with a friend. Our parents were out of town and we didn’t think it necessary to tell them we were going. We meant to go to Florida but the car broke down in South Carolina so we spent our break in a Burger King parking lot near the beach. Luckily, we knew some girls who were staying in Myrtle Beach so we hung out with them for most of the week. The car (an old Rambler my dad got for $200.00) was toast by the time we got home and had to be junked. Kids, if you are reading this, don’t do this.
What dangerous things did you do when you were a teenager?
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Drawing and remembrance by Marty Coleman
Quote by Frederich Nietzsche, 1844 – 1900, German writer and philosopher
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The secret of reaping the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously
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by Marty Coleman | Jul 24, 2014 | Enjoying Life - 2014, Nicolas Chamfort |
Here is the drawing I decide on to go with the quote from yesterday.
Contest
Yesterday I posted this drawing with just the quote and asked people to give me their idea of an illustration for the quote. There were some pretty good ideas. Many talked about a mother or father showing love for a child, or for an elderly parent. Some talked about the idea of adoption. Another mentioned the ‘pay it forward’ idea, which I found particularly intriguing.
But in the end none of them seemed to deal with what I thought was the key to the quote, which is about morality. While I was reading and thinking about it I was struck with the very current and real American debate over same sex marriage. It was the perfect example to me of an image that illustrates both the joy/enjoyment element of the quote and also confronts the perception of morality this issue makes many struggle with.
Some Questions:
- What do you think of my choice?
- What do you think of the definition of ‘true morality’ the quote gives?
- How does same sex marriage come into play with your definition of morality (whether it is the same or different than the quote’s definition)?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Nicolas Chamfort, 1741-1794, French Writer and Aphorist
Nicolas Chamfort
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To enjoy and give enjoyment without injury to yourself or others is true morality
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