You know what I used to hate? I hated it when someone dies tragically and a grieving relative says, “Well, at least he died doing what he loves.” When I would hear that in my mind I would be yelling “HE DID NOT LOVE HAVING HIS BODY TORN TO PIECES BY A GRIZZLY BEAR! THAT IS NOT WHAT HE LOVED! People like dying in their sleep at age 100 with no pain and a long life. That is how people love to die!”
A Different Understanding
Ok, so I sort of know that is not what they really meant. But it sounds like it at times. What they really meant was this person who died was out living life, choosing to not worry about the possibilities of death to such a degree that it stopped them from doing what they loved. Would they have chosen to not try to feed the grizzly bear that day? Yes. But then again maybe they would have still died if they stayed in the warmth of the cabin that morning. After all, we all are going to die, right? We can be as careful as we want and we still won’t avoid it.
Sooner Rather than Too Later
Delaying your life because you are afraid of making a mistake is a big mistake. Are you a planner? Then plan something now that you love to do. Are you the spontaneous type? Then focus that spontaneity in an area that really matters to you and go do it. It doesn’t have to be some death defying adventure. Your big ‘mistake’ can be going to a museum. Your big ‘mistake’ can be taking a Sunday drive to that small town 100 miles away that you have heard had a great ice cream shop. The point is to break through your paralysis of fear of making a mistake and go. The alternative is the scene in the Napkin above.
I don’t want a tombstone that reads, “You Know What I Would Like To Try…” I want it to say, “I made the best mistakes EVER!”
While I was in Dallas this past weekend I went to a bookstore late at night. I once again found a person sitting still who would be a good subject. I drew her in my sketchbook instead of on a napkin. This time I wasn’t able to meet her as she left quickly while I was barely started on the drawing. Instead I made up a story.
__________________
The Realizing Woman
Chapter 1
Her laptop was dead so she borrowed her boyfriend’s computer to go to the bookstore and study.
Chapter 2
She finished studying and started rummaging around her boyfriend’s computer. She found a folder inside a folder inside a folder titled with her name. She opened the folder.
Chapter 3
She saw files titled with her name. She double clicked on one and when it opened it was a photo of herself nude from 10 years before, when she was 19, before she knew her boyfriend. She had never shown the photos to him or ever told him about the photo shoot she had done.
Chapter 4
She looked at the photo, and a number of others he had from the same shoot, for a long time. She was angry. She was angry that she had let herself go and no longer had that same great physique.
Chapter 5
She left the bookstore, went to her boyfriend’s house and dropped off the computer. She thanked him, broke up with him and left.
Chapter 6
She went home, stripped to her bra and panties, took a photo of herself in the bathroom mirror and titled it ‘Day One – Before’. She then got into her running shorts and tank top and went out the door. She ran 8 miles in her neighborhood, finishing at 1 am.
Chapter 7
She got home, stripped down again and took another photo, titling it ‘Day One – After’. She repeated this every day for the next 9 months.
Chapter 8
She posted her before and after photos, all 9 months worth, online as a video montage. It went viral. She became a world renowned personal trainer with videos, a workout clothing line, and fitness equipment for sale.
Women being judged happens in so many ways. What do you think of this story?
OOOOOOOOOklahoma where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plains…
My wife and I were walking with our adult daughter in a very stiff Oklahoma wind yesterday morning. We were in the city and the canyons of tall buildings were creating the funnel effect, making the wind whip even stronger than the 25 mph it was probably going. She was in a nice conservative dress that laid a few inches above the knee, her hair was long and loose because she had just had it cut and colored and had to let it be down for the day so it wouldn’t kink. As we leaned into the wind she tried to hold on to her hair, her dress, and her purse. She was barely holding her dress down, her hair was blowing everywhere and her purse wasn’t far from take off. She was holding everything as tight as she could because this had happened in this exact same spot about a year earlier as well. In that case the wind had grabbed her dress right as she got out of the car. Luckily Linda and I were right behind her so the resulting ballooning was obscured to anyone who might have been looking. She also had told us that she had the same thing happen at an outdoor wedding just a week before.
It Sucks Being a Woman Sometimes!
As we continued walking and she continued to fight the wind she gave a loud huff and in a moment of frustration simply said, “It sucks being a woman sometimes!” She was referring to the present circumstances of course, but I also got the feeling she was expanding that statement out to other areas of being female as well.
Does it?
What about you? Do you have areas of suckiness as a woman? Have you been able to modify your life so that suckiness is reduced or has disappeared? Or maybe you don’t think it sucks?
Tell the Napkin Kin community about your experiences and opinions.
__________________
Drawing and story by Marty Coleman, Inspired by Caitlin Reynolds
When and how do we decide what we expect of ourselves? Our fitness, our looks, our money, our kindness, our giving, our status; you name it and we have expectations about it. But many of these expectations aren’t even verbalized or consciously defined. We often see expectations in hindsight better than in foresight.
I remember when I got divorced in 2000. It wasn’t until then that a great unspoken expectation for my life was shattered. I had never verbalized it or even consciously visualized it. But when it no longer had a chance of happening in the future, then I could see it clear as day. It was an image of me sitting on the porch of the family cabin, my ex-wife’s family cabin, on our 50th wedding anniversary with grandchildren playing all around me. It was sort of like I had put it on my to-do list after it was no longer possible to achieve. That was a point of frustration for me until I remarried and created new visions for my future.
Less Control
I have a good friend whose expectations of relationships and marriage have not gone according to expectations. She has said to herself in hindsight, “I expected to be married by about age 25.” but she wasn’t. On and off it’s been a focus of frustration for her.
What can she do? She can modify or get rid of the expectations. To be flexible and adaptable enough to deal with what really IS instead of what she would like the IS to be, is her best path to peace if you ask me. It’s not that there is nothing that can be done, but doing everything in her power is still not going to be enough to guarantee the outcome she wants. And that is what she has done and why she is a successful and happy woman. She isn’t without frustrations but she knows how to move past them and find the beauty and value in new visions of life.
More Control
I wanted to lose weight for quite a while. My running had got me in pretty good shape, but my nutrition and food intake was not good and as a result I weighed north of 200. I wanted to lose the weight but wanting to didn’t help me lose it.
What can I do? I can act on the expectation. I have some major control available to me. Not complete control mind you, but a fair amount. When I actually focused on my expectations, I started focusing on was acceptable for me to eat. I stuck with it and I lost weight. 24 pounds and counting after 5 months. I took action to reach my expectations.
What are you doing to reach, modify or get rid of your expectations?
____________________
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Antonia Banderas, 1960 – not dead yet, Spanish Actor
This quote is problematic. I don’t think it’s true and I do think it’s true. Read my friend’s story below then let us know what you think.
I Am Good
I have a friend who has worked REALLY hard to get in shape over the years. She has lost a fair amount of weight, is running and doing cross training and is eating better than she used to. Her body reflects that. She has every reason to be proud of her efforts and her results, and she is. She not only is fit herself but she works hard to encourage others to be fit and healthy as well. I would say she is a good person.
I Am Bad
Recently she told myself and another friend that she had gone to a public pool. She said it was the best she had felt in many, many years. She said it was an incredible feeling. Then she said this:
“I am a terrible person”
Needless to say we were a bit confused. “What do you mean, you are a terrible person?” we asked.
She said, “I am a terrible person because I kept looking at all the other women at the pool and was so happy I looked better than they did. I judged them.” She judged their lack of taste and self-awareness in their choice of bathing suit. She judged their shape. She judged their lack of fitness. All the while she was gaining more and more pride in herself. Her bathing suit was a great choice because it showed off her body so well. Her fitness level was obvious. Her tan and hair were awesome. In other words, she was better than they were. And she felt that judgment made her a terrible person.
We bantered back and forth about about this, part of me trying to make her feel better about herself, persuading her that she wasn’t a terrible person. And she isn’t.
What Sort of Judgment?
But her day at the pool illustrates something we all can do so easily, and that is to render terrible judgments. She was immediately aware of herself doing this, even while at the pool and explained why this is so. She said it’s a terrible judgment because it is both ignorant and driven by ego insecurity.
First, she said it is ignorant; she does NOT know these other women. She doesn’t know if the women with the too revealing bikini that is also too tight is broke and is wearing the only hand me down bathing suit she has had in the past five years. She doesn’t know if the woman who is too skinny perhaps has a glandular or hormonal problem. She doesn’t know if the woman with the fake breasts had breast cancer or had been teased all her life for being a double A cup.
Second, she said it is driven by ego insecurity. She felt good about her body one minute and then started speaking in her head something along the lines of, ‘What if that woman over there thinks I am too thin?’ ‘What if that other woman thinks I am slutty for having on this small of a bikini?’ To defend against that imagined judgment she preemptively judges them. ” Who are they to judge me?” or “I have better abs than she does”, or “Look at what a terrible example she is to her child being overweight like that” and other self-righteous internal mind retorts.
Re-imagining
What she said she realized during the time at the pool and after, as she looked inward and didn’t like her judging others, was that she can just enjoy her own positive judgment of herself and her efforts while saying no to cutting down others. SHE likes her body. SHE feels good about how her bathing suit looks on her. SHE is proud of the work she as done. That is a done deal, no need to judge others to get there for herself.
She can also imagine the lives of these other women in new ways. She can have creative empathy with them. She might not ever get to know them, but that doesn’t matter. If she can imagine they are lazy, then she can also imagine they are hard working. If she can imagine they are slutty, then she can also imagine they are recovering. If she can imagine they are trying too hard, then she can imagine they are doing their best.
Your Thoughts?
What I loved about the story she told was her openness about her day and the self-awareness about her thought process. She was doing the hard mental and emotional work of transforming her thoughts and her heart in equal measure to her hard work of transforming her body.
And that makes her a very good person in my book. Thanks A for letting me tell your story.
What are your thoughts about the quote and the story? Have you had personal experiences with this? Can you relate? Chime in in the comments!
______________________
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Helen Rowland, 1875-1950, American Humorist and Journalist
______________________
Did you read my recent Travel series? I went to St. John in the Virgin Islands, had some amazing adventures, and drew and photographed most everything. Check it out. An Island Cottage Adventure.
My napkin of yesterday, where I illustrated and talked about my having not had a drink in 20 years and the resulting secrets, led to, ironically enough, people telling me their secrets. I am always honored when friends (or strangers) tell me stories of their lives that they are not accustom to telling. I like knowing they trusted me, and honestly, it’s energizing to hear secret stories, don’t you think?
Push/Pull
The funny thing about secrets is that oft times you are torn about them. You want to keep it secret, you are DESPERATE to keep it secret because, well, what would people think if they knew. At the same time you yearn to let the secret out. You would feel so liberated if you could just let it be known that you love to dance naked in the backyard when no one is around. And then, after the liberated freeing feeling, you would revert and be mortified that you let it out. It’s how we are with our secrets, isn’t it.
The Consistent Continuum
Perhaps the best we can do is do our best to have the public us and the private us be the same. I don’t mean the same level of exposure, it’s fine to have private elements to your life, whether it’s backyard naked dancing or something else. But I mean who you present yourself to be, at whatever level, should be on an honest and consistent continuum of self. For example, if you are an anti-gay crusader who spends time in men’s bathrooms soliciting gay sex, you are not on an honest and consistent continuum of self.
In other words, are you being an actor playing a part, or are you, most of the time, being a real person being you?
______________________
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Nishan Panwar
______________________
Here is a picture of one of the people who confided in me yesterday. This is posted here with their approval.
No one wants to know what you are doing until you are doing something you don’t want anyone to know about
Are you thinking what i’m thinking? It’s Body Image #4!
Hair Brained and Empty Headed
I love a great hairdo. I love fun colors, bold shapes, great style. I think it’s awesome. But it’s not enough. To carry awesome style at it’s best you have to have the same investment in what’s under the hair as the hair itself. For a body image (which does include your head, by the way) to be solidly positive it has to be accompanied by a solid mind image as well.
Investing in your head
You invest $100 to have a great hairdo, but will you pay $100 to make your brain better? You would hire a physical trainer for your body if you could. But would you ask a trainer to help train your mind to think kinder, more loving, positive thoughts? You know your body (and hair) won’t be it’s best without you investing in it. The same is true of your mind. If you want to be a person with a great body image, you will need to have think highly of your mind as well. That takes work.
Can You Direct Me To The Mind Gym?
Never mind, I know where it is. It’s in my bookshelf in in my office and the book by my bed. It’s in my church. It’s in the Community College in town. It’s in good TV. And above all it’s in interesting conversations, curiosity driven adventures, and an open minded fearless attitude towards new ideas, people and places. That is what keeps my mind growing.
And that in turn, when combined with my paying attention to the body I have, leads me to feel good about all of me, my mind AND my body.
What do you do to keep body AND mind feeling good?
_________________
Drawing by Marty Coleman
Quote by Garrison Keillor, 1942 – not dead yet, American Humorist and Writer, creator of ‘A Prairie Home Companion’ radio show.
I am making a splash today with #3 in my Body Image series.
Body Goals
Because I coach intermediate runners I have occasion to work with people who do not occupy what they envision to be their optimal bodies quite yet. There are various body goals they may have. They may want to get thinner, have more muscle tone, be more flexible, or have better heart health, to name just a few. Since they have already made the choice to join a running program I take that to also mean they have made a decision to do something deliberate to achieve their goals. I encourage them, do my part in training them, explain as best I can what I think will help them achieve these goals. I truly want them to be who they want to be and I love helping them get there.
Joy Goals
But there is something else I work on with them. And that is joy and happiness. I believe achieving goals can increase one’s happiness. But I also believe you don’t arrive at a body goal (or any other type of goal) and suddenly find happiness waiting there for you. As odd as it sounds, one needs to train for happiness, just like for an awesome body.
Cannonball Fun
For example, the joy in doing a cannonball in a pool is primarily in the fun of doing it. If you are big and round, it is still fun. If you are skinny and boney, it’s still fun. If you are 60 years old it’s fun, if you are 20 years old it’s fun. Now, it is true you might enjoy the walk to the diving board more if you are happy about your body shape. It is true you might be less self-conscious about something if you have the body you want. But if you want to experience fun you shouldn’t wait until you are ‘perfect’ to experience it. Suffer that bit of self-consciousness if you must because the act of doing that fun thing will show you, again and again, that your self-consciousness can be overcome, it can be put in it’s place.
Training Joy
But if you wait for that ‘perfection’ then while you are practicing and training your body to be it’s best you are continuing to train your mind to think it’s not. You are continuing to tell yourself that joy and fun and happiness is dependent on you being the right weight, or the right tan color, or the right bra size and that is not true. You actually may intellectually know it is not true, just as you know intellectually you will be in better shape if you run or work out. But that knowledge will remain academic and intellectual, unproven and unpracticed, unless you practice the happiness action the same way you practice the physical action.
In other words, train your joy and happiness as well as your body, then both will be in great shape!
How do you train your happiness and joy?
________________________
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Rosalind Russell, 1907-1976, American actress. Her autobiography is titled, ‘Life is a Banquet’.
The new blogging community I am part of, Social Fabric, has put out it’s first online magazine, Live SoFab.
Check it out. I did, but not because it had the words ‘summer nudes’ and ‘monokini’ on the cover. Really.
By the way, if any of you are a millennial bloggers (in other words ages 18-25) Social Fabric would like to talk to you about joining their community of bloggers. Let me know and I will get you in contact with them, ok?
I hope you didn’t forget…today is day #4 of ‘Women vs Men’ week!
Learning While Falling Apart
If you have followed me a while you know I was married the first time for 20 years. The marriage started breaking down around year 18 but ironically that was also when we started REALLY talking to each other about the marriage, who we were, what we wanted, how we felt. It really was a life altering period for me that I now deeply appreciate. Among things that I learned or I improved were my ability (and willingness) to listen and communicate, feel empathy, think ahead about consequences, and not assume the surface is the reality. I am grateful for those lessons, as is my new wife, Linda (though she knows I still have a long way to go).
Remember I Forget
But there is another thing those years taught me first hand. Kathy and I were in the middle of a long discussion about our marriage when she said ‘But you once said…’ and she then proceeded to say what it was I supposedly said. I didn’t remember saying it. I asked her when I said it. She said, ‘about 1991’. She was telling me this in about 1999, 8 years later. My response? ‘uh…1991? really?’ She not only remembered that I had said whatever it was I said, but she remembered the year. Now if this was an isolated incident I would chalk it up and forget about it. But Kathy did it other times as well when we were going over things from our past (including once remembering something I said from the year 1983!). My wife now, Linda, has also brought up something I said years ago with frightening attention to detail.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to get out of saying what I said. I wish I could remember things as well as Kathy or Linda. But I can’t, at least not yet. From my experience not many men can. I am sure some women can’t either, but I think overall they can remember a hell of a lot better than men do.
Remembering Concrete
But there is a problem with remembering so well and that is that one can easily get stuck with that one memory in your head, playing over and over, and it can blind you to subsequent events, words, deeds, that modify or change that thing that is in your head. So, while forgetting important things we say or do is not always a good thing, it can also allow new, more relevant and true things to come in, things that are who we are now, not who we used to be.
What think you about this?
________________
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, who does remember saying ‘I love you’ a lot to both my wives, no matter how far back it was.
Quote is anonymous
_______________
Here is a great duet from the musical ‘Gigi’ that brings this point out perfectly. My father used to sing the trademark line, ‘ah yes, I remember it well.’ when he would forget something from the past. I do the same thing now. Not many get it when I do that, but I don’t care. It makes me smile.
Speaking of remembering AND forgetting…While I was writing this I was browsing YouTube and came across something I remember very distinctly. My college roommates and I were LA Dodger fans watching the 1977 World Series when this happened. Funny though, in my memory she was wearing short shorts. Ah yes, I remember it well.
