Why do we think skin equals sin? Why is the exposing of skin seen as dirty? Obviously in breastfeeding a mother shows her breast. If she is in public she might cover her breast with a blanket. But it’s also possible that she might choose not to cover, maybe because the child gets fussy under the blanket, maybe because she likes to watch her child nurse, maybe she likes the feel of the open air. Whatever her reason and whatever her choice there will be someone who feels it’s wrong, dirty or rude for her to nurse in public, no matter what.
It’s Your Fault
This gets to the heart of a persistent idea. It’s the idea that the woman is to blame for the actions of the man. It usually boils down to one thing, she showed too much skin. Whose fault is it if a man reacts rudely, even violently to a woman showing ‘too much skin’? In this persistent idea it is the woman’s fault. Why? Because you can’t expect a man to be able to control himself in the face of that much skin showing.
Self-Control
I, as a man, am offended by this the same way a woman would (and should) be offended by a comment saying a woman can’t control her emotions so she can’t be trusted in important roles in public life. The same is true with the ‘skin’ argument for men. It is not the case that men can’t handle it. It is the case that when men SAY they can’t handle it they are using it as an excuse for their own bad behavior. They are rationalizing their inability to have some self-control by blaming it on others. It’s not the ‘other’ who is to blame. It is the man.
A number of friends of mine are currently battling Breast Cancer. Many more have battled it in the past. I will address the cancer side of breasts in my artwork soon but in the meanwhile it got me thinking not just about cancer but about breasts in general. I thought I would do a series investigating how we use the idea and the reality of breasts in our lives; corporate, individual, commercial, political, literary and emotional.
BREASTS IN POLITICS
I thought this quote was pretty funny. Good wordplay combined with a strong political statement. And it’s an understandably alluring idea; that the key to success in a political endeavor is to bring in people who have not been properly represented and who offer a different way of viewing issues than the powers who have been in control.
But the truth is having breasts isn’t a good reason to vote for someone because having breasts doesn’t stop people from being boobs. In my home state of Oklahoma we have a number of women in power, and, in my opinion, many of them are damaging women’s progress in the world, not furthering it. Fair representation matters, yes. But having breasts isn’t the deciding factor in good governance. What matters is ideas and execution of those ideas, whether one has breasts or not.
I am going to make it fit because it’s day #5 of Marriage Week!
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What do you pay attention to in your marriage, what you have in common or what you don’t? How do you fit the circle into the square? And yes, I know there is sexual innuendo, duh. Talk about that if you want but it ain’t all there is to talk about, right? RIGHT?
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Drawing and questions by Marty Coleman, who likes bright blue eyeshadow (but not on himself)
Quote by Leo Tolstoy, which I mispelled first as ‘Tolstory’ and thought that would be a funny take off on Toy Story, don’t you?
Philosophically speaking, it’s day #4 of Marriage Week!
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It can be interesting and fun to be a philosopher, but it’s more fun and can be very interesting to be happy. Choose wisely. If you already chose and ended up with a bad one, give us your philosophy in one sentence.
Well, if it ain’t the bloomin’ day #3 of Marriage Week at the NDD!
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The Defensive Marriage
I am in the middle of a conversation right now about a friend’s defensiveness on her blog and in her marriage. Here is Monica’s blog entry so you’ll know what I am talking about. I found the quote above as I typed out a response and it occurred to me that defensiveness only comes about when you perceive an enemy.
If you are defensive in your marriage you might be perceiving a real threat, like an abusive spouse, in which case you are smart to be in the defensive posture. But what if you aren’t perceiving a real threat, but are simply being defensive out of habit? Perhaps being defensive in the face of a false threat might cause your spouse to respond defensively as well. And then what happens? Then you are no longer on the same side and it’s very unlikely that your marriage will blossom sinces it’s a pretty hard task to love an enemy, real or imagined.
So, the solution is to be vulnerable and not defensive. But doesn’t that bring it’s own problems? When you are vulnerable, don’t you risk being taken advantage of, exploited, treated unfairly? Isn’t that a threat worth protecting against? Yes, it is. But you have to decide when that risk of exploitation is likely or unlikely and adjust to that reality, not just implement a learned behavior of defensiveness that is no longer an effective response to your current life.
You have to be on the same side if you want your love to blossom.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, who is preaching to himself, as usual.
I am burning to tell you it’s day #2 of Marriage week!
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Making Fire
A friend of mine, Natalie Tucker and her husband, from Glenelg, South Australia, recently went ‘glamping’ as she calls it, meaning camping without the roughing it. Even though I am not sure they had a fire and I AM sure it wasn’t out in the woods like the drawing even if they did (I saw a picture, they had a lawn at their campsite) hearing of their adventure made me connect when I found this quote about marriage. The end of the quote (which I didn’t include because it seemed obvious) compares the well built fire, with it’s closeness and it’s distance, to a well built marriage, which needs the same combination.
I also recently had a conversation with a friend who mentioned another friend who is considering divorce, the reason being that she has grown in directions, and in ways, that her husband hasn’t and/or doesn’t seem to understand or support. Her changes have led to them growing apart. I hear about this happening all the time and the one constant always seems to be not growing together. It’s not because they are doing different things, having different hobbies. It’s because they aren’t sharing those things with each other. It could be they are hiding something. They perhaps are afraid of a negative reaction. The other person might actively reject hearing about it. Or it could be they just forget to talk about things and before you know it they are so far down a road it seems impossible to backtrack and let the other person in on it.
It’s not an easy situation to be in and I certainly don’t think there is a simple solution. But at it’s essence, a relationship is about communication. If you aren’t interested or willing to communicate about who you are and the life you lead, then there is a pretty good chance you will have an empty marriage or no marriage at all.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, who last went camping in 2002.
Quote is my variation on one by Marnie Reed Crowell, 1939 – not dead yet, American writer
It’s the IDEAL time to start a series on Marriage, don’t you think?
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Perfect. Ideal. Two words that marriage quickly eviscerates. But marriage doesn’t really do anything, does it. The people in the marriage do the eviscerating. They are the ones that, after a while, act without gratitude for their mate. They are the ones that forget the positive things their mate brings to their world. They are the ones that start to imagine greener grass. Then what is they usually find if they go off to that new plot of lawn? They discover it isn’t all that greener after all.
Why is that? What is it we have lost when the wife or husband no longer seems ideal? There are all sort of reasons, some I would think are valid, some I would think are not. But it isn’t up to me to decide another marriage’s fate. It’s up to me to discern what I might do within my marriage to become a husband closer to my wife’s ideal. Maybe I can come close, maybe I can’t. But I certainly won’t get very close if I am not paying attention to her and her wishes and desires for a mate, for her life.
I don’t think I am particularly good at that. But I am starting to realize it is as much or more about me and what I do than it is about her and what she does. Why is that? Because I can’t control my wife. I can’t make her my ideal, I can’t make her better or funnier or happier. I can’t change her. I can however work on those things in myself. Maybe I succeed, maybe I don’t. But if I pay attention to what I can do, then who knows who I can become. An ideal husband? Probably not. But a man moving in that direction? I bet most wives would take and keep that mate in a heartbeat.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, married 25 years over two marriages.
Quote by Booth Tarkington, which I think is a funny name.
I am biting my lip knowing it’s day #2 of ‘It’s The Law!’ week at the NDD!
It makes for some pretty useless laws at times. It does seem that laws are often passed for the egos of the legislators more than the needs of the citizens. As a result, when there are teeth to the law they seem like dentures, easily removed and put on the night stand.
Law Trivia Question: What is the basic difference between libel and slander? Answer tomorrow if you don’t get it first.
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, who was once caught stealing gum in 9th grade.
Quote by Anonymous, who has been arrested for many, many things over the years.
I heard a statement about Bullying this morning on NPR that makes perfect sense. It’s that a bully is a performer. And what does a performer need? A performer needs an audience. Take away the audience and the bully loses both her power and her incentive.
This allows the possibility for the change to be not just with the bullier and the bullied. It gives those who are bystanders and witnesses power too. Yes, they have the power to say something to the bullier, but that can backfire and cause the bully to turn her attention to the person protesting. But what if those with the bullier simply walk away. What if they decide to not witness it? What then? It allows the bystanders to have power in a way that will not hurt themselves but will still contribute to the bullying being reduced.
Whatever course the bystander takes, it takes courage. But that is important and good that they learn to exhibit courage since it is a character trait everyone badly needs as they enter into adult life.
Drawing by Marty Coleman who has been both in his life.
I didn’t know it when I started but this is an appropo week to be doing a series on Bullying. The documentary movie ‘Bully’ is coming out this week. It is meant to be seen by teens and in schools but the movie rating board gave it an R rating for language. The Weinstein Company, it’s distributor, decided to release it unrated instead. I hope it gets a wide audience, in spite of it being unrated. Here is a trailer for it.
Bullieve it or not, it’s day #2 of Bully Week at the NDD
The quote is by Taylor Swift, the singer songwriter. She is young, blonde and cute. She is sometimes seen in the cliche filter those traits bring out, namely that she is weak and fragile. But she is not.
She has a secret weapon to fight back against the haters and the bullies. She uses her creativity and her voice to tell the story of the bully and put him or her on stage for all to see. The bully doesn’t like that.
