by Marty Coleman | Sep 19, 2016 | Responsibility - 2016, Theodore Roosevelt |
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Who is to Blame?
Was it traffic that made you late? Did your friend make you eat that piece of cake? Was the boss to blame for you not completing your task because she talked your ear off? The answers always lead in one direction or another. They point somewhere. Will they always point to you? Of course not. But check how often they point to you. If never? You are living a delusional lie about your part. If always? You are living a delusional lie about your part.
Reality
The truth is, we will always have someone else to blame if we want to. And sometimes that will be right. But often what seems right at the surface, isn’t. For example. Your boss talks your ear off and so you missed getting a report in on time. Her fault, right? No, not her fault. Your fault. Why your fault? Because you didn’t find a way out of the conversation (or monologue) and get back to work.
BUT BUT BUT
“BUT, she’s my boss. I can’t just tell her to shut up.” No, you can’t. But you can ask her if you can talk to her later about this because you are on a deadline, right? You can take into account she comes by your desk every work day at 4pm and talks so you had better make sure you have the report done, or close to done, by that time, right? You can do preliminary work on the report knowing there will likely be delays later in the day, right? You can do something in most cases. It’s just a matter of whether you have thought of it and if so, are willing to do it.
Other’s Fault, Your Responsibility
You see my point? Even if it is her fault for being such a talker, it’s still your responsibility to get that report done. It’s up to you to figure out how to do it and make that happen. It’s not up to her to not talk so much, it’s up to you to figure out how to deal with it and still be successful in your job.
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by Theodore Roosevelt, 1858 – 1919, 26th US President (1901-1909)
https://www.whitehouse.gov/1600/presidents/theodoreroosevelt
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 12, 2016 | Anonymous, Curiosity - 2015, Education - 2016 |
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Home Schooling
When our daughter’s were young we home schooled them for 3 years. For the youngest, Chelsea, it was Kindergarten through 2nd grade, Connie it was 1st – 3rd, and Rebekah it was 3rd – 5th. We didn’t do it for religious reasons, even though we were within a church that had a lot of home schooling families. We did it primarily because we could. My wife at the time, Kathy, was a teacher and, after seeing so many others in the church do it, decided she could do it too. This took a lot for her since she was up until then not a very confident person. But she believed it and we did it. It was a great time for our family and our kids. It was wonderful in many ways but the way that was most important in my children’s life was this: There was no idea of school is where you get educated and home is not. On the contrary, everywhere is where you got educated. Home, street, groups, books, church, museums, nature, grandparents, etc. It didn’t matter where you were, you were learning.
Curiosity
And that all-inclusive idea of education was driven by curiosity. If you are learning about science in your back yard while checking out bugs, then it’s very likely you will always be curious about the bugs in your backyard. If you are learning about the history from your Grandfather who fought in WWII then very likely you will always be curious about the lives older people have lived. If you are learning about art from your dad, seeing him working in his studio every day, then you are likely to be curious about creativity in others for the rest of your life. Curiosity is the engine.
Around The Bend
So, does that mean you or your kids have to have been home schooled to be life-long learners? Of course not. Home schooling was just a part of my daughter’s upbringing that contributed. Just as important was the example their mother and I set by being curious and willing to explore well after our formal education was over. And all that really was was an enthusiastic curiosity about what was around the bend. Instead of fear of the unknown I tried to instill in them a curiosity of it.
Not Reckless
Of course, that isn’t the same as being reckless or stupid. One needs critical thinking skills, good judgment and wisdom, but those things don’t preclude being curious about life. They just allow your curiosity to proceed with a modicum of safety is all.
I encourage you to embrace your curiosity about life, don’t be afraid of it. It is much better to fear a life not lived then one that has been lived to the max, right?
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote is anonymous with many variations from multiple sources
“Curiosity is the engine driving a good education”
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 10, 2016 | Decision Making - 2016, Peter Drucker |
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The Road to Hell
You’ve heard the saying, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”, right? What does it mean? Since nobody wants to go to hell, it obviously means good intentions are misleading. You think you are paving the way to heaven, or accomplishment, success, fame, wealth, happiness, security, love, etc. but instead you end up in hell? How can that be?
It’s not because good intentions are evil, it’s because good intentions are nothing. They are ephemeral ghosts that flit about and then disappear. They can’t be built on and they can’t be walked on. What they can do is fool people. They tell people they are actually doing something when they aren’t. They tell people they are making progress in life, when they aren’t. They tell people they are becoming better people, when they aren’t.
Good intentions are nothing, and doing nothing in life is the fastest way to be in hell now and find hell in the future.
The Road to Elsewhere
So, if good intentions are nothing, what is something? Action is something. Hard work is something. Practicing what you preach is something.
Making an idea into a reality isn’t good intentions, it’s good action. It might start with an idea and a determination to make that idea real, and that is good. People need vision and ideals. But they are the ink on the paper in the recipe book. They are nothing without the ingredients being put together to actually make the recipe into food.
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by Peter Drucker, 1909-2005, Austrian-born American Management consultant and author
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 2, 2016 | Decision Making - 2016, Edwin Markham |
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Not Judging
We had a discussion on Periscope the other day about decision making. It was about this idea and the idea in the blog post before this one, about not judging life events as good or bad, just experience them with minimal judgment. It would lead to less stress and anxiety and more happiness and peace.
People of Faith
Not easy to do of course, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done. But how? Many people would say by having faith. But I have been in the Christian church now going on 40 years and I have seen very few people who don’t fret just as much about the future as those who don’t attend church and say they don’t believe in God, afterlife, etc. That doesn’t mean people of faith don’t talk a good game, they do. The script is all there in the bible that you just don’t have to worry. Paul says it again and again in his letters. Peter says it, Jesus says it. It’s a big part of Christianity. But barely anyone (that I know at least) actually lives it out in day to day practice.
The Avoidance List
Why is that? What is it about the unknown future that we really fear? Death? Pain? Discomfort? Does fearing those things help us avoid them? Well, we know we can’t avoid death so that obviously is a problem. But we can avoid it for a while, right?
Here is a list to help you avoid death:
- Eat well
- Exercise well
- Have really good genetics
- Don’t step on a land mine
Same goes for pain. Here is a list to avoid pain:
- Do nothing aggressively physical
- Don’t get in any relationships
- Don’t have kids
- Don’t get blown up on a boat (I didn’t avoid that)
And if you want to avoid discomfort? Here is what you should do.
- Never meet people, cultures or ideas you don’t understand or like.
- Never get a brazilian wax job
- Never eat hot chili peppers
- Never wear tight pants, tight bras or tight hats.
All those ways can be summed up in one rule. Don’t do anything. That will help you avoid all those terrible things in life.
Ok, I Lied
The truth is a life of couch sitting, of never thinking or experiencing anything new is living death. Seeing all the fun, vitality and love others are experiencing in life is a greater pain emotionally and physically than going out and experiencing the world and the risks in it. And by far the deepest discomfort in life is realizing you are afraid of everything.
So, get out there, open that gate, swim that ocean, climb that hill. You will experience discomfort, pain and yes, even death eventually. But the alternative? You are already dead.
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by Edwin Markham, 1852-1940, American Poet
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by Marty Coleman | Aug 25, 2016 | Brendan Behan, Decision Making - 2016 |
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The Fear of Being Wrong
When I hear people talk about their fear of decision making the number one thing I hear is fear of being wrong. You can see it on reality TV dating shows where the person choosing is racked with fear that he or she might make the wrong choice. You can see it in college kids trying to decide on a major. You can see it in people deciding on which house or car to buy. The list of ‘what if’ worries is endless. For many it can be paralyzing, keeping their life from moving forward and being fulfilled in so many ways.
The Wrong of being Fearful
You may be saying, ‘Hey wait, being fearful isn’t wrong’ and you would be right. And you would be wrong. Why wrong? Let’s use this example. You witness the rape of a friend. You are called to give a statement to police. You are called to look at a line up of possible perpetrators. You are called to testify for the prosecution. Doing those things is scary and it is likely you will be fearful. But what if you are SO fearful that you won’t do those things? You won’t speak up, you won’t testify. What then? Turns out your fear could be the reason a rapist is not convicted and is free to rape again. That could be considered a moral wrong, right?
Procrastinator Excellente
I am a procrastinator in decision making compared to my wife Linda. I take too much time and put off evaluating. Why? Because it means I have to take action and I don’t want to. I am lazy with a bit of fear of decision making thrown in. But what I have found is I have a lot more regrets from not having made a decision soon enough than I do from making a decision too soon. For example, I have waited too long and missed deadlines in applying for art fellowships or competitions in a particular year. But when I got my application in on time for those same things a year later, I certainly didn’t regret it.
The Lesson
First, know yourself. If you are a procrastinator or worrier about decision making, admit it and evaluate why. Then start to look at what it is you do regularly to sabotage good decision making. Do you rationalize and make excuses? You know if you do so just admit it instead of adding on the rationalizations. Also, don’t brag about your indecisiveness. Nothing is worse than someone bragging about their shortcomings as if the bragging makes it ok.
If you want to be a a more decisive decision maker, there is only one way to do it. That is to practice it. When the moment arrives to make a decision, be resolute in evaluating and deciding as quickly as you can. Your ‘quick’ might be days longer than someone else’s so don’t go by someone else. Just go by your own history. If it usually takes you 7 days? Do it in 5. If it usually takes you an hour, do it in 45 minutes. In other words, be deliberate and conscious about your decision making.
You will become a better decision maker if you practice it.
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by Brendan Francis Behan, 1923 – 1964, Irish Author
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by Marty Coleman | Aug 19, 2016 | David Russell, Decision Making - 2016 |
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Time and Forgiveness
Why not burn a bridge? I mean, you aren’t going to see those jerks again anyway, right? Many many years ago I was fired from a company. One person made the decision and she was the one who gave me the news. I didn’t burn any bridges then, even though given the circumstances I could have seen her as my enemy.
The Future is the Present
Fast forward 6 years and this woman crosses my path when she enrolls in a class of mine (not knowing I am the lead teacher). A class she will be in 3 days a week for 12 weeks. Now is the moment I am glad I didn’t burn that bridge. I knew who she was and I knew what she had done. I knew it had been unfair and had adversely affected my life. But I had a choice. Would all the anger and unfairness I felt at the beginning hold sway or would I choose a different path?
Embracing
I chose the different path. I embraced her. I worked with her. I cared for her. I listened to her story of injury and recovery. I encouraged her in making progress, and she did. I saw her all the way through. So much so that after the class was over and a new class started she joined that as well. We didn’t become close friends, but there is no doubt she knew I had not only forgiven her (which she may or may not have felt she needed anyway) but had embraced her and wished her well in her life. I didn’t just say it, I acted it out in my actions towards her.
That is why you don’t burn bridges. Not just because you may regret it professionally later, but because it will cut off the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation later in life.
In Your Mind
Another story, this one from an online friend. His daughter abruptly left home at age 18 without much of an explanation. She didn’t respond to repeated attempt to reconnect with her family, including old fashion letter writing on the part of her father. She had been dealing with anxiety and depression before and after she left and eventually did get medical treatment. However, she was still estranged from the entire family. But when she accidentally ran into her younger sister in public and chose to ignore her, the father witnessed the devastation the younger daughter went through. Enough was enough and he knew he had to take action.
But what action? How about burning that bridge, telling her she was persona non grata in the family for hurting the younger sister so badly? NO, of course he didn’t do that. He found a way to contact her directly and demanded they get together and talk. Others had been telling her the same thing, so she agreed.
Moving Past
He was nervous about this meeting, expecting to be confronted by the same angry daughter who had left over a year earlier. But, that is not what happened. Instead he met a mature, responsible 19 year old. One who asked forgiveness, placed no blame on her parents, and wanted to start fresh with the whole family. You don’t have to be told how great that father felt. And why did that happen? Because he didn’t burn the bridge but decided, in spite of the danger and anxiety, to cross the bridge instead. He made the effort out of love and it paid off.
A burned bridge never would have allowed that.
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by David Russell
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by Marty Coleman | Aug 11, 2016 | Anonymous, Teamwork - 2016 |
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Blame and Glory
As funny as this is, it brings up a pretty good point. The whole point of teamwork is to not place blame on individuals. The blame, and the glory, goes to the team instead. You see this all the time in sports during interviews after games that a team has lost. “WE let our fans down”, “WE didn’t execute properly”, “WE were slow to adjust” are all things you might hear from a coach or a player. No pointing at one person.
Even sports analysts not connected to the team do this. In American football, you often will hear an analyst talk about how a team is weak in a certain position. not that a particular teammate is not good enough.
Olympics
Yesterday I watched at Katie Ledecky was interviewed at the Rio Olympics. Her relay team had just won the Gold Medal in the 4x200m relay. She came back from 1 1/2 lengths behind to crush the competition and was the main reason the team won. But you heard none of that from her. She only talked about the team’s performance, not her own. Others pointed to her as the reason, but she pushed off the praise, turning it back to the team.
Knowing vs Saying
Does that mean she doesn’t know she was the reason? No, she knew. Among the coaches and athletes talked about above, did they not know who actually was to blame? Who dropped the ball at the crucial time, who didn’t live up to expectations? Of course not. They all know. But they didn’t say it outloud in public. In private, in the coaches room while figuring out the future team? Of course they talk about individuals and their performance. But in public? No. Because doing it in public is judgment. Doing it in private is evaluation. And the best teams thrive on neutral evaluation, not harsh judgment and condemnation.
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by Anonymous
“Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.”
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by Marty Coleman | Jul 28, 2016 | Drake, Love and Hate - 2016 |
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A Definition:
Jealousy is a word that is used with ease. But often times it’s misused. The person says the word ‘jealous’ but what they actually mean is ‘envy’. Here is how I see the difference. Jealousy is when you don’t want someone else to have what you have (or had). Envy is when you want what someone else has.
For example, if your neighbor has a new car and you wish you had it. You are envious, not jealous. But if your neighbor steals your husband and you wish you still had him. You are jealous, not envious.
Love and Hate
The reason you are jealous in that situation is because you still love your husband (in spite of him being so stupid as to leave you). You hate him for leaving, you hate her for stealing him away but you still love him and want him back. That is why you are jealous, because you feel both things at the same time. If you simply hated them both you wouldn’t be jealous. You would be happy to get rid of the jerk. If you only felt love for him you wouldn’t be jealous, you might feel sorry for him, or maybe hopeful he has a good life, but wouldn’t want him back and you wouldn’t hate that your neighbor stole him.
What do you think? Am I making sense?
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by Drake, 1986 – not dead yet, American singer
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by Marty Coleman | Jul 25, 2016 | Andre Gide, Love and Hate - 2016 |
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Why the 60s happened:
After WWII the GIs came home and started families. The US exploded in production and manufacturing, construction, innovation, and standard of living. The depression was over, the war was over. Deprivation was behind them. Now they could have nice things, go nice places on nice roads. All of which was great. But that lead to a desire to not stand out, unless it was to stand out as the best and the brightest. But certainly not to stand out as odd or eccentric.
But the truth was many of those people were faking it. They didn’t really live these great lives full of fashion and money and grace and charm. They looked like they did, but not inside. Their outsides said one thing and their insides said another. Maybe the outside said dutiful housewife, but the inside said thwarted creative. Maybe the outside said successful businessman but the inside said thwarted outdoorsman. The point isn’t about the specifics though, it’s about leading an disingenuous life. It’s about not having who you present yourself to be matching who you really are.
Thank a Hippie
And so the people who saw this first hand, saw the hypocrisy and the pain it caused, who saw the thwarted lives, who saw the waste of trying to fit in, rebelled against it. Those people were the children of those adults trying to fit in. they became the beatniks, the hippies, the yippies (look it up) the flower children, the radicals. They became the ones promoting love, peace, creativity, freedom. They were the ones that said you could be who you want to be, not who you think others want you to be.
Even though we are 40-50 years removed from that era, if you feel that you are genuinely who you want to be, you have a hippie to thank for it. Maybe not directly, but in our modern world, it started with them. And if you don’t feel you are who you want to be, if you feel you are putting on a facade that isn’t really you, then take a lesson from the hippies and take a small step out into the unknown and see if you can’t do it too. You can you know.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by André Gide, 1869-1951, French author
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by Marty Coleman | Jul 21, 2016 | Johann Goethe, Love and Hate - 2016 |
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What do I mean by Culture?
I mean a society’s pursuit, desire, and support for a high level of creative expression in all arenas of society. What I don’t mean is an exclusionary or elite culture that feels itself to be superior or better than another one.
Why do I believe this high level of culture means less anger and violence? Because a high culture is one a society is proud of and invested in. That means they don’t want it destroyed. They don’t want it diminished. They don’t want it to disappear. They have created something that brings joy, interest, wonder, humor, fun, discovery. Something that makes one think and allows for a thinking response. They learn and grow from it. In other words, they love it.
I do not believe we, as an overall society, have a culture like that at this time.
Why not?
Well, it’s like the very true variation on the old quote. “Grass is always greener…where you water it.” The truth is we ourselves are responsible for the cultural grass being dry and dead. How so?
- We contribute to it by not buying real art from real artists.
- We contribute to it when we are more interested in judging creative expression than we are in understanding it.
- We contribute to it by not speaking up when ugly buildings are built and when streets are filled with chain store after chain restaurant.
- We contribute to it by not caring or being involved in city and town planning.
- We contribute to it when we agree to the cutting of arts budgets from public schools.
- We contribute to it by watching violence and mayhem as entertainment again and again and again.
- We contribute to it by decrying any use of public funds for creative endeavors.
- We contribute to it by not reading.
- We contribute to it by not being interested in other cultures.
In other words, to use a variation on another famous quote, “For culture to disappear, all it takes is for good people to do nothing.”
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by Johanne Wolfgang Von Goethe, 1749 – 1832, German writer
Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe In The Country – by Johann Heinrich Wilhelm Tischbein
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