Shrek Do you remember Shrek? The main premise of that movie was that while he was ugly he was also very kind and thoughtful, a genuine good ogre. It was a big hit precisely because it turned the ‘beauty equals goodness’ paradigm on its head. Ugly equaled goodness, not beauty. As a matter of fact, the beautiful and handsome ones in the movie were actually quite terrible.
Beautiful People The problem is that ‘beauty equals goodness’ imbues ‘beautiful people’ with an aura of goodness that they don’t necessarily have and allows them an advantage they don’t deserve. A classic and seemingly trivial example is the beautiful woman getting pulled over by a cop but being let go with a warning. In reality though there is a flip side. There are people pulled over who do not fit that beauty standard. They are not given the benefit of the doubt and let off with a warning. They may not even just be given a ticket. They may be hauled out of their car and arrested, all because they aren’t ‘attractive’.
Judgment Bias It’s combination of many things that leads a person in authority to make judgments. And obviously there are legitimate criteria by which to do so. But it could also be they are judging hair and clothing style, the make and age of their car, their race or age, their dialect or accent. If that is the case, then that judgment is based at a fundamental level on ‘beauty equals goodness’ and brings in the associated biases.
Bottom line When we have the power to judge someone, we should double check how and why that judgment is coming about. Is it due to the ‘beauty equals goodness’ bias? If so, we need to rethink.
My wife Linda is looking for a job. She is incredibly skilled in her profession, which is in Change Management, Business Readiness and Project Management. Her industry has been Public Utilities for over 25 years but her skills translates into many other fields. She’s been applying now for a while. What has she learned during this time? That knowing everything doesn’t matter if you don’t know anybody who can either give you a job or introduce you to someone who can give it to you.
Sly vs Shrewd
It can be frustrating to those who want to be judged solely on their qualifications and their accomplishments. But what they forget is that being social and engaged is a qualification and an accomplishment. Doing most jobs successfully means more than accomplishing a task, it means working with other people and what is that but socializing at some level. The hard part of course is doing that in a forced way. It’s not natural to just ‘like’ a stranger on LinkedIn or Facebook. It seems like you are being fake because you don’t really want to be friends with them, you want to connect with them so you can perhaps get a job. Seems a bit sly. But the truth is it’s not sly, it’s shrewd.
What is Your Goal?
The most important question is, what do you need to do to reach your goal? If you want a job in a certain company or industry, then you need to connect to people at that company and in that industry, simple as that. If you aren’t willing to make that connection, even if it is a bit awkward, then you have to accept that your chances of reaching your goal drops dramatically. It won’t be because you aren’t appreciated, it will be because you weren’t willing to connect.
I am not sure if this is really good advice or not. But it’s better than ‘get drunk as you can’ and ‘go kill someone’ so let’s say it’s good, ok?
The truth is, most of the time when we think we are in hot water, we aren’t, just like when we take a bath. We get in and it is HOT! But before too long it’s actually quite temperate. Bad events are often like that too. We see them as outrageous, unforgivable, irredeemable at first. Then we realize they aren’t as bad as we thought. It might take a while, weeks or months even, but eventually we find we will survive.
So, maybe the best thing to do when you are confronted with getting in trouble is to do exactly this, take a bath. Or a go for a walk, or a run. Or watch a movie. It doesn’t really matter what it is, just mellow out for a bit so you can calm down and see the situation through more reasonable eyes.
Then, if you are still in hot water, get a lawyer!
One of the things that annoys me about my religion (Christianity) is that lip service is given to doubt. Doubt is put forth from the pulpit as something we all have, but just like an addiction, the church likes you better if you are already over it. You aren’t expected to keep doubt with you. You struggle with it, then decide what the church teaches is right and get over it. But to have doubt that stays is dangerous. Doubt is like a virus or a bacteria that can infect others around you and that can endanger the village, which can endanger the city, state and world. Doubt that is in the past however, is a different story. It’s now a story of redemption, of overcoming, of faith. But it’s not is alive. And if it isn’t alive it can’t threaten anyone or anything.
Because of this, doubt is rarely ever talked about except in the most abstract of terms. And this abstraction means there is no ability to wrestle with actual real doubts about anything. Say you have doubts, ok. Say specifics, not ok. And if you can’t say what you REALLY have doubts about, is that really great faith?
Great faith meanwhile is extolled and talked about all the time in church. It’s the mountaintop to which we all wish to ascend. It’s the most admirable of qualities. You can talk all day about the specifics of your faith and it is embraced because there is no threat involved. But is that really great faith?
The key for me then is the third essential. What is critical, before you have great faith or great doubt, is to have great perseverance. Just as an artist won’t create consistently great work without great perseverance, so to we humans will not produce great doubt and faith without it as well.
The Yogi asks the passerby, “What does it mean for you to be well & whole?”
The passerby answers, “It means I am content with my body, mind and spirit.”
The Yogi asks the passerby, “Are you content?”
The passerby answers, “No, I am not.”
The Yogi responds, “That is good.”
The passerby asks, “Why do you say good? Aren’t I supposed to be content?”
The Yogi answers, “No, you are supposed to do the dishes.”
The passerby responds, “What dishes?”
The Yogi answers, “Wise question.”
When I was 18 I went away to college. I never returned home to live even though I had many opportunities. I had to leave two colleges, one closing down unexpectedly, one because I ran out of money. When I finished college I had to choose where to live and the choices didn’t include moving to my parent’s town. When my first wife and I had to return to California from Graduate School, we had to choose between the town where my parent’s lived or hers. We chose hers.
No Return
Why didn’t I want to return? Because I didn’t want to be like my parents. When I returned to visit I always remembered why I didn’t want to be like them and moving close to them seemed in my mind to be a recipe for being influenced to be more like them. Be far away and that won’t happen was my thought. And to some degree it was true. I was influenced by other people, other families, by being far away. It really is an important element to many people growing up and into their own unique selves. However, no matter how far away I was, my family was still with me.
Being Deliberate
At that time, those family traits included alcoholism and a short temper, among other things. And those things stayed with me whether I was 3,000 miles away or right next door. I was still a product of my parents and my upbringing and no amount of distance was going to remove that. What did remove much of it (not all) was hard work. Was being deliberate about wanting to change and doing the work necessary to make that change permanent. That included stopping drinking in 1993 so I wouldn’t travel down the same road my mother did. It included working consciously to reduce my anger, frustration and annoyance with the small things in life that bedeviled my father for most of his life. That sort of change is always conditional. There are things that can make me crazy, but they are few and far between. I don’t think my reputation as an adult now would include having a short temper.
Keeping The Good
But there is another side to this and that is no matter how far you travel, you also won’t completely lose the wonderful parts of your family either. I stayed away but I still had my mother and father’s easy-going ability to befriend anyone and everyone. I still had her sense of humor. I still had my father’s intellectual curiosity about the world. I am glad I carry those things with me, no matter how far away I am.
How far have you traveled from your family, and have you been able to really get away?
It’s so prevalent that it’s become a cliche many times over: Put your money where your mouth is. Put a ring on it. Show me. Prove it. Watch what they do, not what they say. What it means is obvious. Promises mean nothing if you don’t back it up with actions.
Big Talkers
Those are the hard lessons for big talkers to learn. It’s also hard if you are prone to enthusiastic responses to inspirational speeches. I know, because I am both. I have my father’s Irish gift of gab, can propound on any number of things. In the past, I have taken that so far as to say I will or can do something. This is especially flagrant if it was after someone has inspired me to volunteer for something. But I often fell down on the job afterwards, inspired enough to promise something, but not dedicated enough to follow through.
Maturity
Now I am less like that. I am still tempted but years of realizing the difference between promising something and delivering has made me much more cautious about making promises, especially of the grand and exalted kind. Now I really try to work through whether the promise is something I can deliver on AFTER the inspirational moment has passed. It means I promise less, maybe even do less. But it also means what I say I will do I am better at actually doing.
Here is the most ironic thing about teamwork is that each individual has to do their own individual job for it to succeed. Now, it is true that each individual doesn’t have to perform perfectly at every moment. And it is also true that on a team individuals pick up the slack for one who isn’t able to perform. Nonetheless, no team succeeds if all the individuals fail.
In Concert
What that means is there isn’t some magical potion that transforms all the individuals into one entity. They remain individuals with their own thoughts, their own drives, their own motives. BUT, if the leader is doing things right then those thoughts, drives and motives, while still belonging to the individual, are in concert with the other teammates.
Examples in Life
Being an example is another successful element of teamwork that often goes overlooked. The individual on the team who successfully sweeps away fear motivates his or her teammate (or neighbor) to do the same. The individual who keeps anger under control helps others on the team believe they can do the same. And the individual who does not descend to hate inspires the teammate to do the same.
These individuals can be doing it for themselves but they are also doing it for each other. This is how teams win, this is how societies become better.
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Good and Bad
This might sound like a terrible thing. You are going to have trouble no matter what you choose? That sucks. But that isn’t really the end of the story, is it? Beyond each danger maybe there is a blessing, right? Then again, beyond each blessing who knows, maybe another blessing, maybe another danger.
Looking Back
Many people, when they reach a certain point in life look back and say, ‘Everything that has happened in the past, good and bad, has led me to this point.’ Isn’t that another way of saying that those seemingly bad things that happened really weren’t that bad and the good things that happened weren’t necessarily all that good?
Here and Now
Looking back is one thing, it’s easy to do. But what if you avoided this yin yang of categorizing everything into gain or loss as the events happened? What if you experienced them in your mind as as neutral events instead? How would that help your health, both physical and mental, while living in the present AND looking at the future? Less stress, less judgment, less worry, less anxiety might be the result. More peace, more happiness, more confidence might also be the result. It’s something to think about.
The Chinese Farmer
There is a famous old story about a chinese farmer who did just that. Here is a great animation that tells the story. It is being told by Alan Watts, a deep thinker who delved into Taoist philosophy.
Brain Pickings
One of my favorite websites is ‘Brain Pickings‘. You can read more about Alan Watts and his ideas on fortune and misfortune there. There you can also find links to more in depth sites dealing the Watts, his philosophy and books.
