by Marty Coleman | May 11, 2010 | Emily Post, Manners - 2010 |
Day 5 of the Napkin Dad’s guide to Manners and Etiquette. This is the last in the series for now. Though if you all get rude and mean, I will come back with more!
I like that this most relaxed and easy of definitions is by Emily Post, the queen of American etiquette for the past 100 years. She was known, as are her descendants, as being easy going, unpretentious and utterly unimpressed with showy displays of so-called etiquette.
Think about those around you and try your best to make them comfortable and cared for. Try your best to not purposely offend them or hurt their feelings. Do those things and most any other issues of etiquette and manners will take care of themselves.
That means you have to pay attention and be humble about your own status and knowledge, especially when traveling to foreign countries. That includes traveling across town in many cases!
Drawing © Marty Coleman
“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.” – Emily Post, 1872-1960, American author and etiquette expert.
Some things to note: Post was a divorced single mother, a pretty rare and sometimes shameful thing back in the 1800’s. She started writing after her sons were grown up a bit, publishing first at the age of 32. Her famous book ‘Etiquette’ did not get published until she was 50 years old.
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by Marty Coleman | May 10, 2010 | Judith Martin, Manners - 2010 |
Day 4 in The Napkin Dad’s guide to good manners
I hadn’t thought of that term as a rebellion against manners and etiquette, but it is.
I understand how sensitivity becomes a joke after a while. It seems ludicrous, doesn’t it. But when we get beyond that reaction it is about treating others as they want to be treated.
For example, if my wife didn’t like me using the term ‘baby’ when referring to her, it doesn’t take a genius to understand that if I love her I would stop using that term, right?
How is it any different than a nationality, tribe, or group not wanting to be called by a certain term? If you proclaim love and respect for all people then wouldn’t you be willing to change the word you use?
After all, caring for someone isn’t about making yourself feel good, it’s about making them feel good. Which mean you have to actually pay attention to their needs and desires.
What terms do you think should be ‘retired’?
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
“The pejorative term ‘political correctness’ was adapted to express disapproval of the enlargement of etiquette to cover all people, in spite of this being a principle to which all Americans claim to subscribe.” – Judith Martin, 1938-not dead yet, American author and etiquette authority
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by Marty Coleman | May 8, 2010 | F. Scott Fitzgerald, Manners - 2010 |
Offering #3 in The Napkin Dad’s Guide to Manners
It is still rude, however. But when someone is rude to you it isn’t that they are judging you. Their rudeness proves they are judging those they have battled before. Those who hurt them, fooled them, laughed at them, were rude to them. Those who denigrated, belittled, betrayed, and otherwise disappointed and hurt the person’s hopes, desires and expectations. Rudeness is their way of battling back.
It feels good to be rude sometimes. It’s satisfying, like you got someone back. But of course, the problem is you usually don’t get the right person back and, even if you do, you don’t end up being satisfied in the long run.
Better to stop the chain of rudeness and be nice, ok? That’s easy enough, isn’t it?
By the way – I know they don’t look like very realistic tongues. But that race of skinny headed people have giant lozenge-like tongues. I checked.
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
“It’s not a slam at you when people are rude – It’s a slam at the ones they’ve met before.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald, 1896-1940, American writer
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by Marty Coleman | May 6, 2010 | Fred Astaire, Manners - 2010 |
Day 2 of The Napkin Dad’s Guide to Good Manners
I am not one to talk about the ‘old days’ as if they were better. I am not one to talk about how we did more with less or how good it used to be for kids and how hard it is now for them. For the most part I think that is just old people wishing for better days.
The truth is it’s always been hard for kids. There is always something unique about the culture and society they live in that bring out certain problems they face that earlier generations didn’t have to in the same way.
Today one of the things kids face in the US and many other countries is a very diverse culture. I think that is a good thing. But one of the negatives attached to it is having muddy guidelines about what is proper or improper behavior. It isn’t a uniform definition anymore. Even that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s just that it makes the job of the parent harder. Not only does the child not see the example being set consistently among other adults when he or she is away from their immediate family, but the parent’s themselves might have been brought up very differently from one another and have different ideas about what is okay or not okay in personal behavior.
That doesn’t mean a parent gives up on teaching. It means they add a new element of discussion and illustration. When you as a parent see what you deem bad manners you explain to your child why you consider it bad. You explain why it is hurtful or inconsiderate. You give them reasons that help them understand that while others may not do it they way the do, they know it is a good and decent way to behave. And whatever you do, do not off load the responsibility to a school, a village, a society or worst of all, the child. It is NOT the responsibility of the child to learn it on his or her own. It is your responsibility as the parent.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
“The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.” – Fred Astaire, 1899-1987, American entertainer
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by Marty Coleman | May 5, 2010 | Eric Hoffer, Manners - 2010 |
Day one in a series on manners
I found this quote on twitter and it hit me as a fantastically concise and perceptive statement about the truth of rudeness.
When I think about examples of rudeness it seems there are two main reasons for it. One, the person really doesn’t know they are being rude. We are not talking about that.
Two, the person does know and feels empowered by it. They like the expansion of their field of control. They stretch out their fork to get food off another person’s plate. They stretch out their voice into a phone and a waiting room or theatre. They stretch out their disrespect by never acknowledging people who serve and care for them.
The list can go on. But what they all have in common is the rude person attempting to be superior. subjugating others to their physical, emotional or psychological space. People who are confident and strong don’t have that need, they know who they are and can treat others with respect and good manners. The weak person is the one constantly trying to get others to see the strength they know they are lacking, usually in a passive aggressive way.
You can’t avoid rudeness in life. But you can contribute to it’s diminishing by not enabling it. Don’t be a weanie when it rears it’s ugly head. Say something. That is unless of course you live in Oklahoma where they just passed a law allowing people to wear guns in a holster on their hip like back in the wild west. In that case, be careful!
Seriously though and more importantly, if you are a parent raise your kids to not be rude by teaching and giving them experiences that bring out their true strength and confidence.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
“Rudeness is a weak person’s imitation of strength.” – Eric Hoffer, 1902-1983, American writer and social philosopher.
Posted on twitter by Lisa Merlo-Booth of ‘Straight Talk on Relationships’ blog
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