by Marty Coleman | Oct 18, 2013 | Bob Edwards, Marriage - 2012/13 |
I judge today to be a good day to finish up our Marriage series!
Trust Judgment
Do you trust a person’s opinion of their spouse? Most likely they know the person the best, right? As a result, wouldn’t they have the most accurate judgment? It seems logical except it comes up against another idea, as told in a quote we all have heard, ‘Familiarity breeds contempt.’ The problem isn’t that we know our spouse so well. It’s that we know our spouse TOO well. So well that our opinion is skewed. It might be skewed toward contempt and denigration like I show in my drawing or toward adulation and adoration.
Judgment for What?
As I was drawing this I came up with a quote, ‘If there is no reason behind your judgment, then don’t judge.’ I was thinking about how a spouse’s judgment has a different reason and purpose than most others. She might be judging based on his emotional attentiveness, finding him lacking or fantastic. But your judgment might need to be made based on his technical skills at work. He might judge his wife based on her organizational skills around the house but you might need to judge her on her social ability at the volunteer organization you both help out at.
What is the reason for your judgment? Very likely it’s different than the spouse’s reasons. Either way, to latch on to someone else’s judgment of someone is a dangerous thing, spouse or not. Making your own judgment, based on your criteria and reasoning, is essential to being an adult in the world.
See the entire series all at one time by clicking this magic word: Marriage
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Bob Edwards, 1860-1922, Canadian Humorist
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 17, 2013 | Marriage - 2012/13, Stephen Leacock |
I love that today is day #9 of our Marriage series.
The Part
Have you ever been fixated on one particular aspect of a person? Maybe you are in love with their hair, or voice, or smile, or maybe their dimples. As an artist and photographer I am constantly finding things I absolutely love about a person’s visual self. Granted my visual taste can be a bit eccentric. I am a huge fan of great eyebrows for example. If I see great eyebrows I will make sure to compliment the person they are attached to. I love fingernail and toenail polish done really well. I love freckles. And tattoos. And scars. And makeup that most people think is too much.
I also find myself attracted to the internal parts as well. To funny. And bawdy. And educated. And creative. And honest. And more.
The Whole
When I was younger I was like the guy above. I would translate my admiration for the person’s part, internal or external, into an admiration of the whole person. And that was a good thing in one way. I should embrace and see the whole person. They aren’t just one part. But it was bad in another way. My attraction to the one part made me oblivious to whether I liked or was compatible with the whole person. I had a bit of tunnel vision, in other words.
Maturity
That was ok in high school and college. That was my learning process. When I got married right after college I thought I had found a person whose whole being was right for me. Turns out she didn’t necessarily think I was the whole person she was wanting or expecting and after 20 years we got divorced. It was during the time I dated, between the divorce and my remarriage 6 years later, that I learned that no matter how attracted I was to one part, if I was not attracted or compatible with the whole person (or at least most of the person), I was going to be in big trouble. That is why I decided I wouldn’t become exclusive for at least 3 months of dating and why I would wait at least a year after starting to date someone to ask them to marry me. Turns out I asked linda after 2 years of dating and we married a year later. I felt like I had more confidence that my attraction had transcended one particular part of her and had come to know, love and embrace the whole of her.
Growth
Of course, as marriages go on new parts of people come up. They become new people, their ‘whole person’ changes. That’s ok, it’s another part of reality that we need to learn as we grow. We change, so do others. That is why marriage isn’t just about liking and loving the person as they once were. It’s about loving and committing to the person’s growth and change as well. That is where I feel Linda and I have had much greater success than in any of our past relationships over the years. I am happy we allow and include that in our relationship.
See the entire series all at one time by clicking this magic word: Marriage
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Drawing and Commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Stephen Leacock, 1869 – 1944, Canadian writer and humorist
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 16, 2013 | Italian Proverbs, Marriage - 2012/13 |
It would be a sin not to post Marriage #8 today.
The Man
This Italian Proverb brings up a LOT of issues. First, why is it not the opposite? Why isn’t there an Italian Proverb that says ‘If the husband sins, the wife is not innocent.’? I think it is safe to assume there isn’t a proverb like that because no one really believes it. People believe that if a man sins, (by the way, for purposes of our conversation here, sin equals adultery), he does so for his own reasons. If a man blames his wife he can pretty much assume he will be seen as an even more complete douche bag than if he has the affair and blames himself.
The Woman
So, why is the proverb about the wife? I think it taps into an assumption. The assumption is that women are better than men. They are more moral, more loyal, more faithful. So, the thinking might go that, because of this superiority, they will not easily fall into adultery just from being horny or egotistical. They won’t jump some guy just to prove they can. They have to have a better reason. And that reason is emotional. And if they have the emotional need to have sex with another man, the fault lies partly (if not completely) with the husband for not meeting her emotional needs.
Sexist or True?
So, the question is simple. In your personal experience, or in lives you have witnessed, is this proverb true? Or is it perhaps sexist to assume the woman is less responsible for her ‘sin’ than a man is? What do you think?
See the entire series all at one time by clicking this magic word: Marriage
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Drawing and Commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote is an Italian Proverb
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 10, 2013 | Brenda Davidson, Marriage - 2012/13 |
It’s good to put today’s drawing, #7 in the Marriage series, to bed.
What ‘Good in Bed’ Means to Me
My wife and I do one of our favorite things in bed. We do it every day, unless one of us is out of town or is getting up at 4:30 am to go run (guess who that is). We both get a LOT of pleasure from it and don’t want it to end. We do it almost the exact same way every single time. It usually takes the same amount of time. We usually both get up and go into the bathroom right afterwards.
What is it we do?
We cuddle.
There are other things we do in bed; watch TV, talk, read, play games on our phones, and some other stuff now and then. But our favorite thing is to cuddle every morning. I usually get up about an hour before Linda does. But I hear her call as her alarm goes off and I stop what I am doing and go back in for our cuddle. It’s the best.
See the entire series all at one time by clicking this magic word: Marriage
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Brenda Davidson ( I have no idea which Brenda Davidson. There are about a gazillion listed on the internet, none more famous than the other, so heck if I know.)
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by Marty Coleman | Oct 9, 2013 | Anonymous, Marriage - 2012/13 |
I did a marriage series in 2012 but found some new quotes recently so I decided to add to it.
Faults? What Faults?
This can be taken as anti-wife. The wife as a nag, as a critic, as someone who is always wanting to change the man into her version of who he should be. The faults aren’t real, they are simply things she doesn’t like. Many husbands would say their wives fit this characterization. Without a change the husband is going to withdraw into depression, crack or divorce. They are not happy husbands.
Yes, Your Faults
This can be taken as anti-husband. The husband is an oblivious oaf who has not clue how rude, insensitive, lazy, sexist and unfeeling he is. The faults actually are real and they need to be addressed. Many wives would say their husbands fit this characterization. Without a change the wife is going to withdraw into depression, crack or divorce. They are not happy wives.
Fault Control
In my experience, more wives than husbands tend to think they are indispensable. That if they don’t do it, no one will, especially the husband, and the family will fall apart. If you are that wife, ask yourself this question. What if I died today? Will the world go on? Will your sons and daughters get dressed and go to school without your help or will they stay in their pajamas, unfed, all day long? The answer is, they will get to school. They may have a mismatched set of socks, but they will get to school. Life will suck for a while but there is a very good chance they will recover, your husband will recover, and they will survive. You are close to indispensable, but you are not. Your understanding of control should reflect that reality.
Fault Ego
But are the husbands not responsible in all this? Yes, they are responsible. I often go back and forth between doing what my wife wants me to do (and thinking I am doing it because of that) and doing what I want to do. And what do I find? I find that they really aren’t that far apart at all. So my wife asked me to change the kitty litter. Do I really think if she wasn’t around I wouldn’t ever change the kitty litter? If I am the stunted mental age of a 12 year old maybe. But I, and all other husbands, are not. We are adults. We are going to change the kitty litter. So, if she reminds me or I get to it first, who cares? She is not a nag when she is helping you do what you would do anyway. That person is called a partner.
See the entire series all at one time by clicking this magic word: Marriage
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Drawing by Marty Coleman
Quote is Anonymous
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by Marty Coleman | Apr 13, 2012 | Leo Tolstoy, Marriage - 2012/13 |
I am going to make it fit because it’s day #5 of Marriage Week!
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What do you pay attention to in your marriage, what you have in common or what you don’t?
How do you fit the circle into the square? And yes, I know there is sexual innuendo, duh. Talk about that if you want but it ain’t all there is to talk about, right? RIGHT?
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Drawing and questions by Marty Coleman, who likes bright blue eyeshadow (but not on himself)
Quote by Leo Tolstoy, which I mispelled first as ‘Tolstory’ and thought that would be a funny take off on Toy Story, don’t you?
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by Marty Coleman | Apr 12, 2012 | Marriage - 2012/13, Socrates |
Philosophically speaking, it’s day #4 of Marriage Week!
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It can be interesting and fun to be a philosopher, but it’s more fun and can be very interesting to be happy. Choose wisely. If you already chose and ended up with a bad one, give us your philosophy in one sentence.
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Socrates, who was quite the philosopher
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by Marty Coleman | Apr 11, 2012 | Marriage - 2012/13, Tom Mullen |
Well, if it ain’t the bloomin’ day #3 of Marriage Week at the NDD!
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The Defensive Marriage
I am in the middle of a conversation right now about a friend’s defensiveness on her blog and in her marriage. Here is Monica’s blog entry so you’ll know what I am talking about. I found the quote above as I typed out a response and it occurred to me that defensiveness only comes about when you perceive an enemy.
If you are defensive in your marriage you might be perceiving a real threat, like an abusive spouse, in which case you are smart to be in the defensive posture. But what if you aren’t perceiving a real threat, but are simply being defensive out of habit? Perhaps being defensive in the face of a false threat might cause your spouse to respond defensively as well. And then what happens? Then you are no longer on the same side and it’s very unlikely that your marriage will blossom sinces it’s a pretty hard task to love an enemy, real or imagined.
So, the solution is to be vulnerable and not defensive. But doesn’t that bring it’s own problems? When you are vulnerable, don’t you risk being taken advantage of, exploited, treated unfairly? Isn’t that a threat worth protecting against? Yes, it is. But you have to decide when that risk of exploitation is likely or unlikely and adjust to that reality, not just implement a learned behavior of defensiveness that is no longer an effective response to your current life.
You have to be on the same side if you want your love to blossom.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, who is preaching to himself, as usual.
Inspiration from the writings of Monica Bielanko
Quote by Tom Mullen
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by Marty Coleman | Apr 10, 2012 | Marnie Reed Crowell, Marriage - 2012/13 |
I am burning to tell you it’s day #2 of Marriage week!
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Making Fire
A friend of mine, Natalie Tucker and her husband, from Glenelg, South Australia, recently went ‘glamping’ as she calls it, meaning camping without the roughing it. Even though I am not sure they had a fire and I AM sure it wasn’t out in the woods like the drawing even if they did (I saw a picture, they had a lawn at their campsite) hearing of their adventure made me connect when I found this quote about marriage. The end of the quote (which I didn’t include because it seemed obvious) compares the well built fire, with it’s closeness and it’s distance, to a well built marriage, which needs the same combination.
I also recently had a conversation with a friend who mentioned another friend who is considering divorce, the reason being that she has grown in directions, and in ways, that her husband hasn’t and/or doesn’t seem to understand or support. Her changes have led to them growing apart. I hear about this happening all the time and the one constant always seems to be not growing together. It’s not because they are doing different things, having different hobbies. It’s because they aren’t sharing those things with each other. It could be they are hiding something. They perhaps are afraid of a negative reaction. The other person might actively reject hearing about it. Or it could be they just forget to talk about things and before you know it they are so far down a road it seems impossible to backtrack and let the other person in on it.
It’s not an easy situation to be in and I certainly don’t think there is a simple solution. But at it’s essence, a relationship is about communication. If you aren’t interested or willing to communicate about who you are and the life you lead, then there is a pretty good chance you will have an empty marriage or no marriage at all.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, who last went camping in 2002.
Quote is my variation on one by Marnie Reed Crowell, 1939 – not dead yet, American writer
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by Marty Coleman | Apr 9, 2012 | Booth Tarkington, Marriage - 2012/13 |
It’s the IDEAL time to start a series on Marriage, don’t you think?
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Perfect. Ideal. Two words that marriage quickly eviscerates. But marriage doesn’t really do anything, does it. The people in the marriage do the eviscerating. They are the ones that, after a while, act without gratitude for their mate. They are the ones that forget the positive things their mate brings to their world. They are the ones that start to imagine greener grass. Then what is they usually find if they go off to that new plot of lawn? They discover it isn’t all that greener after all.
Why is that? What is it we have lost when the wife or husband no longer seems ideal? There are all sort of reasons, some I would think are valid, some I would think are not. But it isn’t up to me to decide another marriage’s fate. It’s up to me to discern what I might do within my marriage to become a husband closer to my wife’s ideal. Maybe I can come close, maybe I can’t. But I certainly won’t get very close if I am not paying attention to her and her wishes and desires for a mate, for her life.
I don’t think I am particularly good at that. But I am starting to realize it is as much or more about me and what I do than it is about her and what she does. Why is that? Because I can’t control my wife. I can’t make her my ideal, I can’t make her better or funnier or happier. I can’t change her. I can however work on those things in myself. Maybe I succeed, maybe I don’t. But if I pay attention to what I can do, then who knows who I can become. An ideal husband? Probably not. But a man moving in that direction? I bet most wives would take and keep that mate in a heartbeat.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, married 25 years over two marriages.
Quote by Booth Tarkington, which I think is a funny name.
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