They sat attentive, leaning forward, interested in what one another had to say. The coffee shop buzzed with noise around them but they were not distracted. I sat in the corner and drew.
The woman facing me had a green sweatshirt on with the logo of ‘New Life Ranch’ on the front. I knew the place well. It was a summer camp in Oklahoma, near the Arkansas border, and my daughters had gone there a number of times. We even went there for family camp twice.
It was the place I took two of the best photographs of my life. Both were of the creek that ran through the camp, early on a fog enshrouded morning. One was just the creek, but the other was of my youngest daughter reaching for a rope swing so she could swing and drop into the creek. We had heard the night before that there would be a sunrise swim in the creek. Chelsea wanted to go so we got up very early and I accompanied her to meet the others. I remember sitting with her on this little bench waiting for everyone else, talking about how exciting it was going to be to jump in the cold creek. No one else showed up. We decided they were all wimps and she was the most courageous of them all. She still wanted to do it so I took photos as she took the plunge.
Unfortunately, so far I have not been able to find the shot of her. I am still looking!
If you watch a baseball game, like I did last night as the Kansas City Royals won the World Series over the New York Mets, there is usually a ‘hero’ that stands out. He may score the winning run or perhaps he strikes out the side. However, without exception, if you hear an interview with that person after the game is won, he will say it was a team effort. He may say, “Yes, I had my good stuff on the pitching mound today.” But it’s also likely they will say a lot more along the lines of, “I was just trying to contribute to the team.”
The Servant
That got me thinking, what is it they are really wanting to do? They are wanting to serve their team. Yes, they probably like the glory of exalted newspaper accounts and TV reporting. But it’s their teammates who are actually counting on them and it’s into that locker room full of teammates that he must go after the game. If a player is too consumed with surpassing personal records and getting personal glory instead of serving the greater good, they will not be liked or respected in that locker room.
Walks of Life
Combat – It’s often said that the soldiers immediate mindset is to serve and protect his or her fellow soldiers, not to fight for glory or some abstract cause.
Family – Mothers and fathers are not vying for an actual ‘Parent of the Year’ trophy. They simply serving their children as best they can.
Business – A superior, if he or she is good, is suppose to be serving you, not the other way around.
Community – Politicians and activists who are best at what they do are the ones who are working to serve the community.
Examples
What personal examples do you have of those who work to serve instead of surpass?
Some people are designated heroes just as one of a group of friends is deemed the designated driver at a party. The designated hero is labeled such and is expected to fulfill that role. It might be an Astronaut, the soldier, a politician, the athlete, a family member. It might be the survivor. Whoever he or she is, they are looked up to. The media tells stories about them. Books are written about them. Their deeds are exalted. They become icons and are enshrined. We all know about them.
Not Designated
But for every designated hero that is looked up to, there is somebody else looking at those looking at the person looking at the hero. The teacher who is pointing to the famous artist is himself being pointed at by her student. The beginning pilot who is pointing to the astronaut is herself being pointed at by a person with a model airplane in his hands. The young woman off in the wilds of Canada who is pointing at the world renowned inspirational speaker is herself being pointed at by the many who listen to her modest broadcasts. The small business owner pointing to the CEO of the major corporation is himself being pointed at by his inspired daughter.
You
Now, it could be that someone who is actually a world renowned hero is reading this. But the overwhelming probability is that you are not world renowned. You probably don’t see yourself as a hero. But you probably are. If you are a parent, you probably are. If you are a business owner, you probably are. If you are pursuing an athletic achievement at any level, you probably are. If you are a policeman, fireman, soldier, you definitely are.
The Point
So, what’s the point? It’s not to give you permission to brag about something. It’s to give you permission to know that you are seen. You see heroes and look up to them, and that is good. And you are seen as well and it’s important to keep that in mind as you reach for your own goals in life.
Periscope
Here is the periscope video of me creating the drawing while viewers try to guess the quote. You can find me on Periscope as @thenapkindad.
As many of you know, I work at Fleet Feet in Tulsa, Oklahoma as a running coach. I have led the 10k & 15k training program called Pathways for 5 years now. This past week Deena Kastor, the Olympic Bronze Medalist in the 2004 Athens Olympics came to visit.
Deena’s Napkin
On Friday night we had a small get together of coaches and staff to meet her in an intimate setting at our downtown workout facility, 52 Fitness. We hung out with Deena listening to her tell stories ranging from her adventures at the highest level of sport to her love of her dog, a giant Mastiff, that runs with her (for short distances of course).
At one point she was going to excuse herself to go get something to eat but I offered to get it for her (Yes, I am a brown noser, so sue me). I brought back 2 napkins and left them on the table along side her chips and dip. A few minutes later someone asked her to autograph a cartoon a fellow runner had drawn with her in it and it reminded me…duh, I should do that too! I grabbed one of the napkins and one of the markers she was using to sign her name and did a quick drawing of her. She then graciously signed the napkin for me.
Deena’s Quote
I told her that usually in my napkin drawings I have a quote but in this case I would probably just have some runners behind her. Later in the evening she addressed the entire group. She told the story of how she has a big chalkboard in her home, one of the first things her friends and family see when they come in the door. She loves quotes and often has one on the board for inspiration. The one currently on her board she said was, “If the voices in your head say you can’t paint, then by all means paint, and those voices will be silent.” The quote is by Vincent Van Gogh. I wrote it down immediately knowing I had the quote I would use.
I talked a bit later to some other runners about the quote and we agreed that one can replace ‘paint’ with almost any other word in that quote and it would still make sense and still resonate with people. So I simply changed ‘paint’ to ‘run’ and knew what I would do.
The next morning she was at our South Tulsa store to run with one of the 1/2 marathon pace groups. She hung around after and signed autographs on a pretty cool small poster of her.
I was able to snag a pic with her.
The Olympics
I knew she had won the Bronze medal at the 2004 Olympics. However, I did not know the story of how she did it until I watched this video. Take a look and be impressed by not just her guts and hard work, but the intelligent race strategy that she used to make it happen. Oh, and did I mention it was 100º at the start of the race? ONE HUNDRED DEGREES.
What was her strategy? Something I preach to my runners, discipline. She was as far back as 18th, running a conservative race, biding her time, waiting until she thought she could move up in pace without breaking down at the end. Slowly but surely she picked off one runner after another over the course of the last third of the race. Watch the video to see what she had to do to pass the 3rd place person and win the bronze medal.
In addition to the amazing Olympic finish she just recently smashed the women’s world record for a US Master (over 40) at the 2015 Chicago Marathon.
Act On It
So, if you think you can’t do something, do what the quote suggests. It doesn’t matter if it’s running, painting, spelunking or something else. Take action, start your move towards your goal and that voice saying you can’t will be silent.
It didn’t start with Disney of course, but Disney certainly popularized it for those of raised in the 20th and beginning of the 21st century. The idea that in a story about good vs evil you must visualize the good as having traditional beauty and the evil as having traditional ugliness. And it’s easy to understand the desire to have it that way. It makes understanding good and evil simple since all you have to do is search for outer beauty and you find the good and same for the opposite.
Shrek
And then came Fiona. Fiona and Shrek turned the beauty equals goodness idea on it’s head. One message that it sent, a message you hear often is, that true beauty isn’t on the outside, it’s on the inside. But there was a more important message that it sent. And that is that beauty is not universal. Shrek didn’t find the ‘human’ Fiona all that pretty.
But when the curse was broken and she turned back into what she had been, a female ogre, Shrek suddenly saw beauty. His kind of beauty. She she saw it in him as well. Both lessons are important to learn.
Inner Beauty
Yes, the cliche is true. Inner beauty matters. And yes, who you are on the inside is what decides your goodness, not your outer beauty.
Outer Beauty
HOWEVER, we do have an outer. Outer, in spite of what so many would like to believe, not only exists, but matters when discussing beauty. Our eyes are not dismissible any more than our other senses. Nobody says what we smell doesn’t matter and nobody says what we hear doesn’t matter. Those things do matter. And what we see matters as well. Having a personal sense of what you find beautiful is not a bad thing, whether looking at a sunset or a hunky fireman.
What is also true though is it is not ALL that matters. If you think and behave as if it does you will very likely end up shallow, egotistical and hurt.
The Inner and Outer Blend
You know how celebrity couples now have one name? Branjolie, Bennifer, Kimye. What would the world for Inner AND outer beauty couple be? Ounter? Inter? Ounner? Who knows. But there should be a word for it because it is what most of us want in our lives. We want to look good and we want to be good, right? We want our outer to be the outer visual expression of our inner. We know not everyone is going to find us attractive, but we would like someone to find us attractive. We know not everyone is going to believe we are good. But we want those who know us to believe we are.
How to?
So, how do we make that happen? It’s no different than anything else we hope to achieve. We practice. The bottom line is you will not become good without practicing being good and you will not have outer beauty without practicing having outer beauty.
If that means time in the gym to make your body what you want it to be, then that’s what you have to do. If it means time spent serving others, caring for those in need, giving your time and attention to others, then that’s what you have to do. And they aren’t exclusive. You can and should be your best inner self while at the gym and you can and should be your best outer self while serving others.
Matters Most
But which one matters most? The inner does. That is the one that transcends the outer. It is where kindness, forgiveness, patience, gentleness, sympathy, empathy, and love reside. Because it is true: Beautiful people are not always good, but good people are always beautiful.
I started this drawing with the idea that the grey woman would represent the person who did not know herself and this didn’t see herself as beautiful. But as soon as I started to draw the colorful woman I realized the mistake. BOTH women can know themselves and BOTH women can see their own beauty.
Bad Beauty, Bad.
I had a discussion last week with a photographer friend who posted a photo of herself relaxing in a hot tub after a very hard, emotional couple of days. It represented for her feeling relief and joy at making it through a bad time. She took it down because she was self-conscious, then she put it up again because she didn’t want to give in to her fear of what others would think. I told her I was happy she put it back up because it said she was confident and strong in her beauty and happiness. She asked, “But isn’t that wrong? I would never think I am better than anyone.”
It seemed to me she was equating her believing she was beautiful (looking good, in other words) with vanity, ego and superiority over others. My thought was that while being vain and egotistical about it is wrong, knowing you are beautiful does not necessarily mean you are vain or egotistical.
Good Beauty, Good
It isn’t you comparing yourself, it’s you enjoying who you are. It’s about joy and fun, not about judgment and comparing. It’s about allowing that you have a right to express all of you, that includes your beauty, sensuality, femininity, as well as your moods, mind, love, feelings, ideas, etc.
I don’t think recognizing and enjoying one’s own beauty is bad. What do you think?
A few weeks ago I got in a bit of a kerfuffle with some people on Facebook about a recent public event. I thought it was magnified beyond what it should have been, they disagreed. It made me start thinking about when it’s good, appropriate and helpful to magnify something and when it can be counterproductive.
I think we live in a world where being offended by something as our first public reaction is the norm. We don’t like what someone says or does and so we react strongly in public to it. We let everyone know we are offended. There are times when that is important. The offense is real, it is harmful and it is dangerous to you or the world around you.
But there are other times when it can be a very slight offense, one of opinion or outlook or action, that is taken out of context, out of it’s place and blown up into a big offense. Of course we all have different decision making methods by which we make that choice, but in my mind the rise of social media has blown up the offended first reaction into an crowd sourcing protest intent on inflicting pain, suffering or a moral lesson to someone. Maybe that feels good but, in my mind, it isn’t always the best tack to take. Is the goal to feel good or is the goal to get something good to happen? If it’s to feel good, then shaming someone is like fast food. It feeds you short-term but is it really building your body in any healthy way? If it’s to get something good to happen, shaming someone is very unlikely to be the best way to do that. Maybe talking to them, asking them more questions, getting to the heart of why they said what they said is the best way. Or at least the first step to take.
Maybe there won’t be a resolution you are happy with. You can always take the next step of going public at that point. But maybe you will have a resolution. Maybe the person who offended you will have a new understanding of what they did and how it affected you. Maybe they will be sorry and apologize. Maybe they will work to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
I am a big fan of compliments, both giving and receiving. I give them better than I take them, but I like getting them as well. When I give them I try to be specific. I won’t say someone is pretty, I will say I like their hair style, or their necklace, etc. Often it’s something I might notice that others don’t. An accessory, or a feature perhaps. I like pointing out something specific because I am hoping the compliment I give makes them feel good about choices they made, not just that they were born looking a certain way. And I feel good when a compliment I give makes someone feel great.
Enjoying and feeling good about a compliment is one thing. Feeling your self-worth is attached completely to the compliments is another. The last thing I want is for someone to depend on my compliments for their complete value or worth. First off, I don’t want that pressure, and secondly, it certainly isn’t healthy for the person getting the compliments.
Criticisms
I don’t like giving criticisms, especially if it’s about style or looks. I deliberately step back when I see someone who is jarring to my established notions and let the visuals sit with me for a while. I practice withholding judgment, in other words. This is true in anything sensory; smells, sights, hearing, etc. I like to live with it for a while. And I always try and remember I can view someone without judging them. I think of these sensory experiences as being part of the passing parade of life; something to be enjoyed, admired, explored. Not something I have to judge.
If I do criticize, I would be saying it hoping they gave it some value. But I certainly hope the person receiving it doesn’t automatically take it as gospel truth about themselves. Once again, that would be too much pressure on me and would certainly be unhealthy on the part of the person hearing the criticism.
Balance
I assume that, for the most part, compliments make people feel good and criticisms make them feel bad. That is normal and to be expected. But to get all your worth in life and to feel completely worthless in life due to them indicates an a skewed understanding of your own value.
How do you overcome that? It’s not easy but it is doable. You have to start with small steps. I have a friend, Victoria James, in England, who does a daily live video called #Mindflowers (you can find her as @victoriajamesUK on Periscope). The idea started with her feeling like she, and her friends, all gave compliments to each other a lot more than they give compliments to themselves. They would be much more likely to denigrate and dismiss themselves than say something nice. So she started a daily routine that she now shares around the world. She simply asks the people watching her video to give themselves a compliment every day.
That is how you can start.
Periscope
Here is my periscope video of the drawing being created.
And here is part 2 where I color the drawing and we talk more about this idea.
The Flying Coffee Cup – An Illustrated Short Story
Chapter One
Amanda had her resume laid out just right. She had her business card just so. She had her lucky necklace on and, embarrassing as it was, her lucky underwear too. She had her coffee ordered and picked up. She was ready for the interview.
He walked in with long strides, letting the door close on the woman coming in behind him. He went straight to the counter, stopping just short of running into the back of the man waiting to order. He took a deep breath and rolled his eyes.
When it was his turn he said to the Barista, “Well, aren’t you cute. Aren’t you going to give me a smile?”
She looked at him and said, “This is my smile today, sorry. What can I get for you.”
“I want a very large cup of your strongest coffee, black.” he answered. When it was delivered by the Barista he said, “Thanks but it would have been nicer for me if you smiled.” He was not smiling as he said it.
Chapter Two
He came over the Amanda’s table and sat down. She put out her hand and said, “Hello Mr. Bendetto, I’m Amanda. It’s nice to meet you.”
He didn’t take her outstretched hand. He just nodded and said, “Let’s get started.”
He asked her a series of questions, all were short and curt. When he was done with the interview, which took all of 10 minutes he stood up and said, “I will let you know.”
She stood up and said, “Thank you. I will wait for your email.” She held out her hand to shake his.
He responded, “Honey, I don’t think you should hold your breath. I expect the job is harder than you can handle.” He walked away without saying goodbye or shaking her hand.
Chapter Three
Amanda was just about to start crying when her coffee cup raised up from the table. It had grown wings and was hovering in front of her. The lid came off partially and talked. It said, “You are more than he thinks you are.”
She stared as the coffee floated back down to the table as the wings disappeared, landing softly and not spilling any of itself. She looked up to see if any other person had witnessed it. It appeared no one had seen the coffee fly except the barista who had served the man his coffee. She was staring at Amanda with her eyes wide and her mouth open.
Amanda got up and walked over to the Barista. “Did you see that?” she asked.
“Yes, I did. And I heard what it said as well. How did that happen and why didn’t anyone else see it?”
Amanda said, “I have no idea. It was very strange. But it said the perfect thing to me, that’s all I know. What is your name?” She asked.
The Barista responded, “I’m Amanda. What’s yours?”
Amanda laughed, “That’s my name as well. Nice to meet you Amanda. I am sorry he was such a jerk to you, I heard him talking to you.”
“Yes, he was. Nice to meet you too Amanda. I overheard a bit of his conversation with you as well. He seemed rude to everyone.” Amanda the Barista said.
“Yep, he was a jerk to me. I was having a job interview with him but it didn’t take me long to realize, even though I am desperate for work, I wouldn’t work for him no matter what.” Said Amanda.
The Barista responded, “I am sorry you are in that situation, but I think you are right. I can’t imagine working for him! What sort of work are you looking for?”
“I’m a bookkeeper. I was helping to run my dad’s business but he sold it and retired recently so I am looking for something else. I just got a divorce so the pressure is on.”
“Oh, that sounds like pressure for sure. You know, you might want to talk to Sylvia, the owner here. Her son, John, has been doing the books but he is about to go to graduate school. I think she might be looking for someone.”
Chapter Four
A week later Amanda the bookkeeper had a new job. She had met with Sylvia the owner and they had gotten along great. The pay wasn’t quite as good as with her father’s business but it was not bad either. She knew she could make it with the salary and the hours.
On her first day she was going to meet with John, the current bookkeeper to start her training. But before he arrived she had to clean out an old desk to use as hers. It had office supplies and a disheveled pile of papers cluttering the drawers. She took them out and was figuring out what to do with them when one piece fell to the ground. She picked it up, turning it over to see if it had anything on the other side.
There, on the other side was a drawing of a coffee cup. A coffee cup with wings. She stared at it with her mouth open until she was interrupted by a male voice saying, “You better watch out, you might catch a fly with your mouth open that wide.” She looked up to see a young man, maybe 30 years old, handsome and with smiling eyes. He reached out his hand. “Hi Amanda, I am John. What’s so astounding?”
She blushed slightly, smiled and said, “Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. Sorry about that. I was looking at this.” She picked up the drawing of the flying coffee cup and showed it to him.
He said, “Oh, THAT’S where that drawing is. I have been wondering where it’s been for least a year or so. Was it in that pile of stuff?” pointing to the mess on the desk.
“Yes, it was. Did you draw it?” she asked.
“Yep, that’s by me. You can just call me Picasso, thank you very much!” he said as he laughed a big, hearty laugh.
“Ok, this is REALLY weird. I was looking at the drawing that way because I’ve seen it before.”
John looked puzzled. “How can that be?”
“I didn’t see this drawing. I saw the actual cup. It actually was my coffee cup last week. After the guy interviewing me left my cup grew wings and flew up to me and spoke. I know it sounds crazy but ask Amanda, she saw it too.”
John stared. It was his turn to have his mouth drop open. “Why is YOUR mouth catching flies now, if I may ask!” said Amanda with a laugh.
John fumbled a bit as he looked down at the drawing that was now in his hands. “You wouldn’t believe it.”
“Try me John.” she said. “After all, I just told you I saw a flying coffee cup.”
Chapter Five
“Ok, but it’s really strange.” he said. “I drew that about 7 years ago when I was 23. I think I even have a date on it, I drew it in April, right? I was just starting to help my mom here at the coffee shop and I had just left a long term relationship. I was stuck in the back of this office and I was feeling lonely and depressed. I drew this coffee cup that was sitting in front of me out of boredom one day. I left it on the desk and went out front to get some fresh air and something to eat. While I was out there I saw the most beautiful, sweet woman sitting at a table with a friend. I actually couldn’t see her very well, I was behind her. But I could see the side of her face and her smile and her beautiful brown hair. It was about the same length and style as yours I think only brown, not blonde. Anyway, she was showing off this incredibly unique diamond engagement ring to her friend. I had never seen anything like it. It was shiny and bright and she was beaming with joy.”
“I came back to the office and sat there wishing I had someone like her. I wished I had her actually. I sort of zoned out and started to draw wings and a mouth on the cup in the drawing as I imagined it flying out the talk to her. I wanted the cup to tell her she was making a mistake, that I was the right one for her. Of course I didn’t have any idea about who she was or what she was about. I didn’t really know if I was the right one for her. I was just wanting to be the right one for someone and I attached my dream to her at the moment.” He looked at Amanda with a look that said please don’t laugh at me.
“I often wonder what happened to her. I really do hope all went really well for her. It’s probably a blessing I didn’t see her face very clearly because if I had gotten a good look I probably would still be looking for her face in everyone I see.” He put the drawing down. “I told you it was a bizarre story.”
Amanda was crying. Big tears were rolling down her cheeks. “John? That woman was me. I was engaged 7 years ago in April and came here with my best friend to show her the ring. I had the same style hair, but then it was brown.”
John sat down. Amanda and John stared at each other for a long time without saying a word.
Epilogue
Amanda went home that afternoon, got the ring that afternoon and brought it back. It was the ring John remembered, very unique and shiny.
A year later John and Amanda were married. Amanda the Barista was a bridesmaid in a small ceremony at a beach about 100 miles away. John and the two Amandas opened a second coffee shop at the beach a year after that called ‘The Flying Cup’. They now have 24 shops at beaches around the world and are known for their story and their flying coffee cup logo.
They eventually sold their story to Universal pictures and it was made into a movie that did pretty well.
I recently did an ‘Absorbent Idea’ periscope on Beauty and Makeup. It was based on a series I did back in 2013. The conversation was so interesting I thought I would do a new series on Beauty. Let me know what you think!
So, one of the big things about outer beauty is the curse of comparison. How do you know who is and who is not beautiful if you aren’t comparing them, right? But comparing is wrong, isn’t it? Doesn’t that lead to feeling bad about yourself or judging others?
I actually say no, it doesn’t IF rightly understood. The word compare is neutral. It doesn’t have to assume judgment and condemnation, it can simply assume evaluation. ‘Her eyebrows arch high’. ‘Her highbrows don’t arch’. That is comparing and contrasting, not judging.
But you might say that is all fine and dandy but we know that judgment will naturally follow with a statement like, ‘I like arched eyebrows and I don’t like straight eyebrows.’ Isn’t that right? No, it isn’t right. There is no intrinsic reason you have to state a judgment or a preference after noticing a difference between two things. You can just notice and absorb while exploring and admiring both.
Competing
When the trouble starts is when the thought of competition comes in. That there is going to be a loser and a winner in beauty. That the purpose behind comparing is to compete. That there has to be a judgment that that ‘beauty’ is more beautiful than me. But think about a flower. Does a flower say it needs to look like a different type of flower to be beautiful? No, it doesn’t. It might compete for nutrients in the ground with another flower, but that is not about beauty, that is about survival. It isn’t trying to be judgmental or critical of the other flower. It is not saying that flower isn’t beautiful. It is simply doing what it needs to do to survive and thrive. It does it’s best to get everything it needs to be it’s best.
Your Beauty
If you do the same then you will always have your beauty. Your beauty will be genuinely yours. Not someone else’s, yours. Your style, your shine, your colors. And you won’t have to compete with anyone else for it.
