“So I had the weirdest dream, do you want to hear it? Ok, I was in the middle of a pandemic and then it turned into some sort of protest over a guy who couldn’t breathe and I tried to explain that they were both about not being able to breathe but all of a sudden I was in a fire and couldn’t breathe when a woman in a mask brought me to safety and I was surrounded by black people saying they couldn’t breathe and I was so scared I couldn’t breathe but they all smiled and said ‘just breathe’ and then I woke.”
I used to say both these things. Now I am older and wiser and don’t say them anymore. I don’t for at least two reasons. One, they weren’t (and aren’t) true and two, they didn’t (and don’t) help anything even if they were true.
So, why did I think they were true? Because I didn’t do anything immediately and concretely racist. I was consciously not racist as far as I could figure. I accepted people of any race as I met them in my work, my school, my church or anywhere else. If we got along it wasn’t because of race and if we didn’t get along it wasn’t because of race either. It was because of some other reason, some other compatibility. That proved I wasn’t racist, right? In my mind it did.
In the New Testament there is a passage where the Paul speaks of now seeing through a glass darkly but one day seeing face to face. That is how I feel about my understanding of race in America. I used to be so sure of my ‘non-racist’ lineage that I didn’t realize how little I really saw in that glass. But then, little by little, I experienced, listened, heard, read, thought, discussed, watched, wrote, created, and met. And, while sometimes I argued with myself and others about these things, I wasn’t so invested in my own opinion that I wasn’t able to eventually see some deeper realities.
Reality 1a – I cannot know the totality of the Person of Color experience. I should not pretend I do. Reality 1b – I can however, use my creativity to imagine if I was someone else what that experience might be like. It’s not total understanding, but it is a starting point for empathy and understanding. But it is just a starting point.
Reality 2a – I can admit I have both residual racism from my past and current racism from my present in me and not condemn myself for having either of those things. Reality 2b – I cannot however, live with this knowledge and not act to change it within myself and in others around me. If I don’t step up to do that then I am deserving of condemnation. At that moment I become complicit.
Reality 3a – Being ‘color blind’ is a virtue. We want to be color blind when we work, play, interact. We want to treat everyone as equals. Reality 3b – Being ‘color blind’ is NOT a virtue. It is akin to an ostrich putting its head in the sand, looking around and saying ‘everyone looks the same to me.’ They look the same because you aren’t in a position where you can see anyone at all, you are blind. We want to see color, because seeing color is a starting point for acknowledging the history of others and society. It isn’t enough of course, you can’t just see a person’s color and make a definitive judgment anymore than you can judge a person to be physically beautiful or handsome and then projecting that they must be good and wholesome. We all know that is not true. It is the same with color. It tells us something, but it doesn’t tell us everything.
Reality 4a – This is a river you can sit beside and watch flow by. It is unlikely to overflow its banks most days and as a result you can just witness it from a safe vantage point. You never have to dip your toe in, you can just watch. Even if it does overflow, chances are you can climb up the banks to your patio and still be safe, or so you think.
Reality 4b – This is a river that is asking you to step in. That step means risking getting swept away. It is dangerous and once you are in the flow you can’t get out at the same location you first dipped your toe in. It will tumble you through rapids that will bruise your ego and jostle your pre-conceived notions. It might even cause you to leave some friends or family behind for a while as you move to a new destination. It can be scary. But make no mistake, taking that trip down the river will change your life, and the lives of many others (of all races) for the better.
Like I said earlier, I see through a glass darkly at this point. I know my revelations are pathetically inadequate for some and at the same time they may be profound for someone else. Isn’t that the truth about this issue in general? Don’t we have to allow we are all somewhere unique? This person is on the bank of the river, fearful and angry. This other person is in the deep swirling water at the roughest part of the river and needs a hand. That’s why we need to be merciful and helpful to all in our efforts to understand and change, to move our nation and the world forward little by little.
First napkin i’ve drawn in many, many months. We moved from Oklahoma to Texas and pretty much all my art has been on hold for all of 2020 so far. But to be honest, I wasn’t drawing on napkins much in 2019 either, or 2018. But I have been drawing in my sketchbook regularly and that held more interest for me so that is where I focused my attention.
Anyway, I wasn’t planning on doing a napkin drawing but I was sitting at in my studio watching and contributing via zoom with our community group from our old church in Tulsa. The technology was a bit wonky that day and I got a bit bored so I picked up a napkin and just started drawing. We were talking about some serious issues within the church, primarily the role of women. Our community group is filled with strong, intelligent women who fight the good fight every day to have more equality for women in every area of church leadership and activity.
The truth is, if you are going to affect change in any institution, you are most likely going to do it from the inside, which means you have to pick your fights. Fight too much and your ability to influence diminishes. Fight too little and the status quo wins the day. It’s not an easy path for them (or the men who support them) and they understandably get frustrated often.
So, while I was listening to the discussion I thought of how hot potato (or button but a button was not as fun to draw) issues can only be held tight for so long, then you have to drop them, let them cool before you pick them up again. You aren’t giving up the fight, you are being strategic about when to fight.
After all, the goal is not to fight. The goal is to win. If you can win without a fight, great. But you are always ready to fight if you have to.
Until quite recently I was a Running Coach. One of the things I would often ask as we gathered for our group warm up was this: Why are we here? Of course there are many reasons and we would go through all of them over the course of a season. But one reason in particular stood out recently when I went out for a run, my first since the Coronavirus situation hit hard here in Oklahoma.
Why are we here? Because we want to be fit and ready for whatever life throws at us. I would say to my runners, ‘If a disaster strikes in some way in your life, do you want to be fit or unfit? The answer is, you want to be fit.’ Back then I was thinking about if you got sick, lost a job, had to move, had a natural disaster, got a divorce or something else. Now I think, what if you found yourself in the middle of a world-wide pandemic? The answer to the question is the same: we want to be fit. Not only to protect us from the disease, but to help us deal with the physical, mental and emotional issues that come up as we go through this period.
I thought about this in depth as I was running that day. I was running fast and enjoying it but it was getting a little tough and I was doubting whether I could finish the 6 miles at the same pace I was doing mile 1 & 2. Then I thought about all the training I had been doing over the course of the last many years. The truth was I was fit and ready to take on this challenge and there was no legitimate reason I couldn’t finish what I started. So I left my doubts behind and kept up my pace in spite of it getting harder and hurting more. And what happened? I got faster as the miles wore on, finishing with my fastest mile (7:44) and with a new personal record (PR) of 50:24 for the 10k distance .
Why did that happen? A few reasons. One, I am fit physically. Two, I have done seriously hard marathon races that I thought were going to flat out kill me, but they didn’t. Third, I know that when I start to think too far ahead I need to pull back and run the mile I am in. Anticipating what might happen up ahead, having a head filled with ‘what ifs’ is a danger. It can paralyze you so that you don’t push forward with what you know you can do.
Translate that into facing your personal coronavirus circumstances. Yes, the circumstances are harsh. It might be a scary inconvenience like it is to me (for the most part) or it might be an existential threat. But wherever you are on that spectrum you know one thing, you are fit and you are ready. You understand you can suffer a LOT and still make it through. You know that discipline is essential for the long run, and that is what we are in now, a very long run.
She wanted to go to the Forum where she could show off her new hairdo and earrings and watch wrestling and talk and eat and flirt and listen to people say profound things and maybe get a mani/pedi. She would see her friends and have fun, laughing and enjoying the day.
She didn’t want to walk all the way up the hill and look at disgusting dead people on crucifixes all by herself. It was hot and her feet would get dirty and there would be flies and vermin and the smell would be aweful. Plus, people might see her up there and think she is somehow connected to those dead people and then people would start talking and not want to be around her.
She stood there a long time before she made her choice.
I think this might make an interesting T-shirt for a lot of interesting women. They are busy with their interesting lives, doing interesting things and aren’t interested in men being interested in them just because they look interesting.
