by Marty Coleman | May 24, 2017 | Anonymous, Self, Self-HELP!! - 2015 |
Lesser Than
I have known many people who do feel they are not equal to anyone else. Maybe it is like a friend of mine, one of the smartest and funniest young humans I know, who posted that she is worried sometimes that she will not live up to the standard of all the talented people she sees all around her, that she won’t make the cut. This is what I wrote to her in response:
- We all feel like fakes sometimes. I am like 3 times older than you and I still feel it. But, while I was feeling that on and off all these decades I also became a kick ass artist who has created some amazing stuff. So, doubt all you want, it’s normal, just KEEP WORKING ON WHAT YOU WANT TO BE. That is what matters in the end, the work you do, not the feeling you may have once in a while.
Where did that originate with her? Honestly, I don’t know her well enough to say for certain. But if it is like many others I have known, it could be a disconnect between her desire for high achievement (based on her intrinsic understanding of her intelligence and abilities, of which there is a lot), and the recognition of her limitations of health, opportunity and ambition. I don’t think it’s an uncommon disconnect among young people. They have grand dreams and those dreams often narrow as they age. There is a moment at which they only see the narrowing of the dream, not the blossoming of another dream that will be even greater and more fulfilling.
Or maybe it is like my ex-wife, who felt she didn’t have enough value to stand up for what she wanted and expected in a marriage while she was married to me. I wish she had been able to, but she wasn’t. Where did that lack of value come from? Perhaps the roots were in her parents’ decision that if you wanted to be a good Christian (which they were in many ways) then not only was acting bad not allowed, but expressing, or even having, bad feelings wasn’t allowed either. The consequence was that when she did express the completely common and expected feelings of growing up into maturity, those feelings weren’t allowed or validated. And that told her that what she felt, and thus she, was of little value.
How to Balance
How do you get a balance? It’s about practice. Just as an artist or athlete gets better by practice, so attitudes and perceptions do as well. You can think about changing an attitude but the truth is that attitude will very likely not change until you take action to change it, to practice a new attitude. This can happen if you let an old attitude or perception trigger a new way of looking at something. For example, when you catch yourself denigrating your abilities, allow that to be a trigger to say something positive and good about your abilities. You don’t do this to fake your way towards something, you do it because you are practicing being truthful about who you are in the world. You actually do have positive and valuable qualities. Stating that you have them is not egotistical or vain. it is reality. And since you are currently on the self-denigration side of the scale you aren’t really in reality. This practice is getting you back to a balance, that is all.
Drawing and commentary © 2017 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
“They who admit they are a worm ought not to complain when they are trodden on.” – anonymous
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by Marty Coleman | Jun 25, 2012 | Competition - 2012, Self |
You Are.
The Fight Within
It’s not ‘the competition’ who is your strongest competition, it’s you. It’s your decision to settle. It’s your decision to give up. It’s your decision to blame circumstances or others or the weather. Win the battle with your mediocre, excusing self and you’ll win, simple as that.
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Drawing by Marty Coleman, who is preaching to himself.
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by Marty Coleman | Sep 29, 2011 | Anonymous, Self |
Last night I gave a trial run of the presentation I am giving at Blog World LA in November. Its title is ‘The Six Stop Signs on Creativity Road’. I didn’t quite make it down to 6, I had 8 instead. but I will get there. One of the stop signs involves worrying about people being better than you. That is a paralyzer. But just is bad is thinking you are better than others.
Now, I don’t mean the thought should never enter your mind. If you win a race, you realize you are better than others in that race. What matters is if you publicize that ‘betterness’ just to pump yourself up or to push the other person down. When that happens it is one person rubbing the other person’s nose in their inferiority. When that happens to you, your estimation of the other person doesn’t go up, it goes down. And when you extol your own superiority, it might build you up in your own mind, but it doesn’t build you up in anyone else’s.
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote by Anonymous
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by Marty Coleman | Mar 7, 2011 | Robert Allen, Self, Zen |
I am not a Zen master. Me saying that proves, of course, that I am one.
This isn’t about Zen Buddhism, about which I know virtually nothing. It’s about perception and the precision of language.
Substitute any of a number of words for ‘Zen’ in the quote above. Then what? Let’s use ‘self’ for an example. Are you trying to find yourself? Are you trying to find your ‘self’, in other words?
Where is that ‘self’?
- Does it reside in your career, if only you could get a promotion?
- Does it reside in your hobbies, if only you could be finish a project?
- Does it reside in your friendships, if only you could be worthy of them?
- Does it reside in your makeup bag, if only you would not age?
- Does it reside in your kids, if only they would not age?
- Does it reside in your golf clubs, in only you could reach par?
- Does it reside in your religion, if only you could be good enough?
- Does it reside in the future, if only you can find it?
- Does it reside in the past, if only you can recapture it?
Or does your ‘self’ reside right here, right now? If it isn’t here right now, how are you reading this? Is it someone else occupying your body doing the reading? No, it’s you, it’s your ‘self’ doing it.
So, back to the ‘precision of language’ I mentioned. What you pursue is not your ‘self’. Your pursuits are those things I listed and more. You may want those things better understood, better defined, better lived. And that is good, pursue them all with great passion.
But call them by their name and don’t be sloppy with your name calling. Their name isn’t ‘self’. You are named ‘self’ and you are here right now. Indeed that is the only place your ‘self’ will ever be.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote by Robert Allen, author of ‘Zen Questions’
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by Marty Coleman | Mar 3, 2011 | Chinese Proverbs, Self |
Thanks to CK for the quote today.
Everything is part of a cycle. It isn’t just one thing about you that can help fill others. It’s all sides of you.
- That includes your kindnesses, wisdom and expressions of concern.
- It also includes your humor, intelligence and expertise.
- Don’t forget your athleticism, competitiveness and enthusiasm.
- Don’t denigrate or downplay the value of your beauty, looks, clothing, smile, hair, and body.
- Your creativity as well; your art, voice, green thumb and love of culture.
- Most importantly, don’t make the mistake of thinking your struggles, successes and failings aren’t helpful to others.
The world and the people in it may need all sorts of sides to you. To give yourself, you need to feed all those things in you as well. That is why being enthusiastic about your life, pursuing with passion what you have available to learn and experience, isn’t a selfish thing.
I have a friend, from whom I got this quote actually, who is a great example of this. She has her own personal goals in many aspects of her life. She pursues them with a passion. BUT, she doesn’t just do it just for herself. Every step of the way she is revealing herself and her passion to others. She is encouraging others in concrete ways to pursue their own dreams and goals as well. It is not one-sided, and she is not alone. There are many who do the same for her as well.
Everything is part of a cycle. Fill yourself to fill others. Fill others and you will be filled.
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Quote is a Chinese Proverb
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One year ago today at The Napkin Dad Daily – Imitation (guest napkin)
giving 2011 love self growth sustainability “chinese proverb” proverb receiving selflessness
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by Marty Coleman | Jan 31, 2011 | Compassion - 2011, Self |
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Can you show yourself compassion, or do you think you don’t deserve it? Why not?
If you are that person, I want to ask, do you ever find yourself able to show self-compassion? If so, when does it occur? How does it come about in your mind? What do you do when you feel it towards yourself?
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Drawing and questions by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote heard on NPR while still half asleep so I have no idea where it came from except that it was on a segment about Buddhism or something like that.
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by Marty Coleman | Jan 25, 2011 | Self |
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Today is officially the first Topical Tuesday! I will be focusing on current events and other topical moments on Tuesdays for a while.
 |
| The star in your life should have this coffee cup! |
Today they announced the nominations for the Academy Awards. ABC was doing an interview with one of the nominees, Melissa Leo, and she mentioned the real life family that the movie she is in (The Fighter) is based on.
It got me thinking how in some ways that family is being nominated for their life. That led me to think, hey, I could be a nominee for the best performance by me in a leading role. I could also be a nominee for the Razzie for worst performance by me. Which one would my family, friends & napkin kin be more likely to nominate me for?
How about you? Are you in the running for ‘Best Me’ or are you going to get a Razzie for your performance? I am rooting for you to be in the Best Me category!
Drawing, quote and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
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by Marty Coleman | Dec 1, 2010 | Josh Billings, Self |
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Imagine you are a leaf blowing in the wind. You take off from the tree and land on a well mowed lawn. You feel big, but you also feel not so colorful. The lawn is green, you are yellow/brown.
The wind takes you again, this time to the field next to the lawn. You land between some very overgrown patches of weeds and shrubs. You feel small, but you also feel pretty because you have a nice shape and are all of a sudden colorful, while the weeds are all bedraggled, shapeless and dull in color.
Once again you are blown away, this time landing on an asphalt parking lot. You feel even more colorful but also alone. Suddenly you feel worthless because a shopkeeper has come out and swept you up with other trash and tossed you onto the bulging garbage can around back. Why didn’t he see how pretty you are, maybe you aren’t pretty after all.
Finally you get blown away one more time, and you land under a tree similar to the one you came from. Surrounding you are hundreds of other leaves just like you. You are happy and feel safe.
In all of your journey what hasn’t changed? YOU haven’t changed. You are still the leaf with the same color, size, texture, pattern, origin.
That is how real life is. You truly are an individual out in the world. Sometimes the world is safe and complimentary, sometimes it is alien and cold. Some people don’t understand or like you and you may just have happened upon one of those people randomly. You might even marry one. One might be your boss.
Whoever they are, they aren’t defining you, they are either reacting to you or more likely they aren’t actually paying attention to you since they are thinking about themselves.
They might be a weed who doesn’t like your leafiness. That doesn’t mean you should change your leafiness, it means you should either ignore the weed, help the weed not be so fearful of others different than it or get in a place where the wind can move you on.
They might be a lawn of grass, obsessed with it’s own prettiness, and really don’t really notice you. You worrying about it’s judgment and wanting to be more green, but they aren’t judging you, they aren’t actually paying any attention to you at all. You can either demand attention from them, be satisfied to just be safe but unknown, or you can once again get in a place where the wind can move you on.
It’s not other people who define you, it’s YOU who defines you. Until you do that and know who you are you are at the mercy, not of the wind, but of where the wind places you.
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
Quote by Josh Billings, 1818-1885, American humorist and writer
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by Marty Coleman | Jul 9, 2010 | Self, Travel, Vacation - 2010, William Least Heat Moon |
Day #4 of Vacation Week at The Napkin Dad Daily
I took my daughters to Europe in 2003. We traveled through Germany, Italy, France and Spain for 2 weeks. We stayed at youth hostels and Bed & Breakfasts.
When we were in Munich, Germany we had beds for 5 in our room and only 4 of us so a single woman from the US joined us. We knew nothing about her, she knew nothing about us. We went out to dinner with her and got to discover her as she was, right then. She was a blank slate, with no yesterdays for us.
We didn’t know if she suffered from depression, with an Eeyore cloud over her head all the time, or if she had been stabbed in the back by her best friend the week before. All we knew was what she decided to present to us that day.
One of the great things about moving away from an old home town, or traveling to a new spot where you spend some time, is that you get to reinvent yourself. You can practice being who you want to be, not who you are expected to be.
But here is the great secret. Every new encounter you are a blank slate. It doesn’t matter if you are in France or your local dry cleaners. That person does not know you or your history. You want to be different than you are in daily life? Then practice on that new person. Be kinder, be more complimentary, be quieter, be less judgmental, be funnier, be happier. You don’t need to go on vacation to become someone new, you just need to see the opportunities right in front of you.
Before you know it, you will become what you practice, no matter where you are.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman
“There are no yesterdays on the road.” – William Least Heat Moon, 1939-not dead yet, American writer of native Osage heritage. Writes particularly about travel, including his best seller, Blue Highways, published in 1982, about his journey on the backroads of America.
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by Marty Coleman | Jun 9, 2010 | Anonymous, Self |
This is why self-pity has a timer on it. You are allowed just so much time for it, then the alarm goes off and you need to move on.
One thing I was only so-so successful at as a parent of daughters was teaching them certain things they would need to know as they became adults. Things I probably would have been more forceful in making sure a son knew. Things like changing tires, doing home improvement projects, working with power or manual tools. I tried, and I am sure they learned something, but I didn’t do it as much as I think I should have. Maybe they think I did ok in that department, but I know I could have done more.
Not knowing how to do something can lead to a feeling of incompetence and helplessness and not just about the immediate problem. It can infect much more of one’s life. When you don’t know even how to start solving a problem it is easy to devolve into giving up. Giving up is usually infected with paralysis, self-pity and unfairness.
- Why is this happening to me?
- So and so has more money
- So and so doesn’t have to deal with my issues
- I am disabled
- Nobody is nice to me
- I have no friends
- I don’t get treated fairly
- My work is harder than my friend’s work.
- I don’t get to have fun the way I want
- Woe is me
I say WOA to that, even IF it’s all true. It might give you ammunition in your hate for the unfairness of life, but that is all it will give you. Your satisfaction will be in your complaints. Will that really be satisfying? Won’t it be more satisfying to take action and climb the mountain? It might be squishing that spider, or fixing a leaky faucet, or moving on from a really destructive and crappy relationship. But as long as you are wallowing in self-pity, those accomplishments are not nearly as likely to happen.
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman of The Napkin Dad Daily
“Self-pity makes even the simplest problem almost impossible to solve.” – found via @dtcav on twitter
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