It’s day #4 of ‘What’s The Problem?’ Week at the NDD
When I got divorced in 2000 I had a lot of resentment towards my ex-wife. When she would come over to get or drop off the kids I would be civil, but cold and short with her. I knew that forgiveness was good, but forgiveness also meant telling her that what she did was ok, right?
Wrong. I realized that forgiveness wasn’t about my ex-wife, it was about me. What person did I want to be? I wanted to be the person I always had been, a kind and forgiving person. I couldn’t be that if I was holding it back towards the most important person in my life up to that point, no matter what she had done.
But I was confused. I thought I had to forgive first, then I could eventually be kind. But I soon realized the opposite was true. I had to be kind first, and in the act of kindness my forgiveness would blossom. So, I started inviting her in when she came over. I offered her something to drink. I asked her how she had been doing, what new things were happening. I told her about my life as well. We talked more about our kids, what they were going through, what they needed. And eventually, through my decision to show kindness first, before forgiving, I started to see her as she really was, a good woman who made a choice I didn’t agree with. She wasn’t evil, bad or terrible. She was the same woman she had been before the divorce and I could still love that woman, albeit from afar and in a different way.
So, in the end, loving the person became more important than holding on to my problem. And the result? The problem went away.
The most important thing in life is love. If you are angry at someone don’t lose sight of the fact that in the end you want your own heart and mind to feel and show love towards that person. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ever get angry or upset. It means you keep in mind the end goal, the purpose, behind your expression. Have the courage to work through it within yourself and with the other person until love is what is left and the negative feeling is what is left behind.
Have you ever dealt with someone in the middle of addiction? You will probably hear them admit that the solution is for them to stop drinking, gambling, etc. long before they will accurately admit the problem. How can that be? Ask them what the problem is and see what they say. They might say it’s stress, or maybe family, finances, parents, spouses, where they live, their job, health, kids, responsibilities, boss, environment or politics.
But they will do everything in their power to avoid seeing the real problem because the real problem is them. They will offer all sorts of solutions for how to change all those things, but they won’t ever get to and succeed at implementing the real solution until they admit the real problem.
If you pay too much attention to everyone else’s problems and how to solve them you might just be avoiding your own.
I hope you don’t have a problem with it being day 2 of ‘What’s The Problem?’ week.
FEELING ALONE
Have you ever NOT felt alone with your problems? They are unique and private and not many will understand. Even when you KNOW the problem is not unique to you, it still finds a unique way of manifesting itself in you that makes the problem different than how others experience it, right?
THE PROBLEM WITH COMMONALITY
It is true, each person’s problems are unique. But sometimes they are so alike to other’s problems that medical professionals or communities at large see and treat only that commonality. But if you really want to help a fellow human you have find your way clear of the generalities to seeing them as the individual they are. You can’t do that if you only see them as a statistic or a vessel for a chemical reaction.
THE PROBLEM WITH INDIVIDUALITY
Have you ever felt good about owning your own problems? That can be good; indeed you do have to deal with them as your own. BUT, if you then take the next step – becoming prideful and self-righteous about how you suffer alone, then you move from positive self-awareness to an ego driven path of isolation and delusion.
If you are one of those suffering from feeling alone in your problem just remember that IF you are willing to share your situation with those who love and care for you, whether they are professionals or friends and family, then your journey for solutions will be at least be traveled on the common ground of love and care, not only on the lonely ground of private suffering.
Wrong assumptions can usually stop someone dead in their tracks.
If you have a problem, something as big as a financial mess or as small as being late for a meeting, and you think your first attack on it is going to yield an immediate solution to the problem, then you could be quite disillusioned when instead your solution yields more problems.
But if you know in advance that is how life works, that problems worthy of attack will attack back, then you can gather up the courage and mental fortitude to fight back, not just once, but again and again until the problem is solved.
