One day these two women judged each other mercilessly. The next day they both went to the doctor and found out they had cancer. They both died within a year. The end.
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Drawing and Short Short Story by Marty Coleman
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Questions Arise
I went looking under ‘women judging women’ to see what might be out in the world. These are some of the compelling images and articles I discovered.
The question I have after viewing and reading these blogs is this:
Where do you say your own judgment comes from, you or elsewhere?
What labels do you put on women’s bodies and style?
When is judgment good and proper and when is it not?
I am sure you will have more questions that come up. Chime in with your insights and opinions, your Napkin Kin want to know.
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If the image has a caption it links to a blog article.
From April on a Weight Watchers Blog
From Kim Shannon in the ‘Everyday Family’ blog
From Sarah of Rainbow Reverie (she does not agree with this photo’s message)
From Linda Franklin of The Real Cougar Woman
From Ann of the ‘Imperfect Woman’
From Jessica Wakeman of The Frisky
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Women being judged happens in so many ways. What do you think of this story?
My wife and I were walking with our adult daughter in a very stiff Oklahoma wind yesterday morning. We were in the city and the canyons of tall buildings were creating the funnel effect, making the wind whip even stronger than the 25 mph it was probably going. She was in a nice conservative dress that laid a few inches above the knee, her hair was long and loose because she had just had it cut and colored and had to let it be down for the day so it wouldn’t kink. As we leaned into the wind she tried to hold on to her hair, her dress, and her purse. She was barely holding her dress down, her hair was blowing everywhere and her purse wasn’t far from take off. She was holding everything as tight as she could because this had happened in this exact same spot about a year earlier as well. In that case the wind had grabbed her dress right as she got out of the car. Luckily Linda and I were right behind her so the resulting ballooning was obscured to anyone who might have been looking. She also had told us that she had the same thing happen at an outdoor wedding just a week before.
As we continued walking and she continued to fight the wind she gave a loud huff and in a moment of frustration simply said, “It sucks being a woman sometimes!” She was referring to the present circumstances of course, but I also got the feeling she was expanding that statement out to other areas of being female as well.
What about you? Do you have areas of suckiness as a woman? Have you been able to modify your life so that suckiness is reduced or has disappeared? Or maybe you don’t think it sucks?
Tell the Napkin Kin community about your experiences and opinions.
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Drawing and story by Marty Coleman, Inspired by Caitlin Reynolds
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When and how do we decide what we expect of ourselves? Our fitness, our looks, our money, our kindness, our giving, our status; you name it and we have expectations about it. But many of these expectations aren’t even verbalized or consciously defined. We often see expectations in hindsight better than in foresight.
I remember when I got divorced in 2000. It wasn’t until then that a great unspoken expectation for my life was shattered. I had never verbalized it or even consciously visualized it. But when it no longer had a chance of happening in the future, then I could see it clear as day. It was an image of me sitting on the porch of the family cabin, my ex-wife’s family cabin, on our 50th wedding anniversary with grandchildren playing all around me. It was sort of like I had put it on my to-do list after it was no longer possible to achieve. That was a point of frustration for me until I remarried and created new visions for my future.
I have a good friend whose expectations of relationships and marriage have not gone according to expectations. She has said to herself in hindsight, “I expected to be married by about age 25.” but she wasn’t. On and off it’s been a focus of frustration for her.
What can she do? She can modify or get rid of the expectations. To be flexible and adaptable enough to deal with what really IS instead of what she would like the IS to be, is her best path to peace if you ask me. It’s not that there is nothing that can be done, but doing everything in her power is still not going to be enough to guarantee the outcome she wants. And that is what she has done and why she is a successful and happy woman. She isn’t without frustrations but she knows how to move past them and find the beauty and value in new visions of life.
I wanted to lose weight for quite a while. My running had got me in pretty good shape, but my nutrition and food intake was not good and as a result I weighed north of 200. I wanted to lose the weight but wanting to didn’t help me lose it.
What can I do? I can act on the expectation. I have some major control available to me. Not complete control mind you, but a fair amount. When I actually focused on my expectations, I started focusing on was acceptable for me to eat. I stuck with it and I lost weight. 24 pounds and counting after 5 months. I took action to reach my expectations.
What are you doing to reach, modify or get rid of your expectations?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Antonia Banderas, 1960 – not dead yet, Spanish Actor
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This quote is problematic. I don’t think it’s true and I do think it’s true. Read my friend’s story below then let us know what you think.
I have a friend who has worked REALLY hard to get in shape over the years. She has lost a fair amount of weight, is running and doing cross training and is eating better than she used to. Her body reflects that. She has every reason to be proud of her efforts and her results, and she is. She not only is fit herself but she works hard to encourage others to be fit and healthy as well. I would say she is a good person.
Recently she told myself and another friend that she had gone to a public pool. She said it was the best she had felt in many, many years. She said it was an incredible feeling. Then she said this:
Needless to say we were a bit confused. “What do you mean, you are a terrible person?” we asked.
She said, “I am a terrible person because I kept looking at all the other women at the pool and was so happy I looked better than they did. I judged them.” She judged their lack of taste and self-awareness in their choice of bathing suit. She judged their shape. She judged their lack of fitness. All the while she was gaining more and more pride in herself. Her bathing suit was a great choice because it showed off her body so well. Her fitness level was obvious. Her tan and hair were awesome. In other words, she was better than they were. And she felt that judgment made her a terrible person.
We bantered back and forth about about this, part of me trying to make her feel better about herself, persuading her that she wasn’t a terrible person. And she isn’t.
But her day at the pool illustrates something we all can do so easily, and that is to render terrible judgments. She was immediately aware of herself doing this, even while at the pool and explained why this is so. She said it’s a terrible judgment because it is both ignorant and driven by ego insecurity.
First, she said it is ignorant; she does NOT know these other women. She doesn’t know if the women with the too revealing bikini that is also too tight is broke and is wearing the only hand me down bathing suit she has had in the past five years. She doesn’t know if the woman who is too skinny perhaps has a glandular or hormonal problem. She doesn’t know if the woman with the fake breasts had breast cancer or had been teased all her life for being a double A cup.
Second, she said it is driven by ego insecurity. She felt good about her body one minute and then started speaking in her head something along the lines of, ‘What if that woman over there thinks I am too thin?’ ‘What if that other woman thinks I am slutty for having on this small of a bikini?’ To defend against that imagined judgment she preemptively judges them. ” Who are they to judge me?” or “I have better abs than she does”, or “Look at what a terrible example she is to her child being overweight like that” and other self-righteous internal mind retorts.
What she said she realized during the time at the pool and after, as she looked inward and didn’t like her judging others, was that she can just enjoy her own positive judgment of herself and her efforts while saying no to cutting down others. SHE likes her body. SHE feels good about how her bathing suit looks on her. SHE is proud of the work she as done. That is a done deal, no need to judge others to get there for herself.
She can also imagine the lives of these other women in new ways. She can have creative empathy with them. She might not ever get to know them, but that doesn’t matter. If she can imagine they are lazy, then she can also imagine they are hard working. If she can imagine they are slutty, then she can also imagine they are recovering. If she can imagine they are trying too hard, then she can imagine they are doing their best.
What I loved about the story she told was her openness about her day and the self-awareness about her thought process. She was doing the hard mental and emotional work of transforming her thoughts and her heart in equal measure to her hard work of transforming her body.
And that makes her a very good person in my book. Thanks A for letting me tell your story.
What are your thoughts about the quote and the story? Have you had personal experiences with this? Can you relate? Chime in in the comments!
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
Quote by Helen Rowland, 1875-1950, American Humorist and Journalist
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Did you read my recent Travel series? I went to St. John in the Virgin Islands, had some amazing adventures, and drew and photographed most everything. Check it out. An Island Cottage Adventure.
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