When I was in college I had a female friend who I was hoping might want a romantic relationship with me. I pursued, she gave a few positive signals, then some negative ones, then some neutral ones, then some hesitations, then some positive, then some none, then some no, then some yes, then some…I was gone by then.
It was just too much. I didn’t know where I stood. I didn’t know if she was or was not interested. I didn’t know anything solid. And I couldn’t keep going knowing nothing so I lost interest and eventually went on my way somewhere else with someone else.
Game Playing
It seemed to me that it was a game she enjoyed playing. She liked being pursued, that was the adrenaline rush. Having an actual relationship? Not so much. Of course this can happen with men as well as women, so it’s not only a one way street. Men can get their adrenaline rush from their pursuing game but not the relationship game.
Have you experienced this? What do you think it is it all about?
As I was about to start writing my thoughts on this quote this morning, I came across this post on Facebook:
I know that in two years someone will probably mention his name and I will deny that he was ever actually important because I will have forgotten all about him. Facebook will tell me I have a memory to look back on and I will laugh at this status. I may or may not remember who it’s about… but right now… this hurts. He sought me out when I knew nothing but his name. He wanted to spend so much time with me. He wanted me to move in with him, wanted me to get a tattoo he designed, and he tried his last name with my first. Then, just like that I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t live up to his idea of the girl deserving of the pedestal he placed me on. Ugh… mess with my self esteem for fun, why don’t you?
It is from a friend of mine, Emilie Disney. I know her because years ago our families knew each other at church, she was friends with one of my daughters.
Time –
It tells a way too common story of someone being blindsided by someone. I mean, how can you know the ropes and not be tied up when everything seems perfect, right? Time is the answer. The key thing to know here is that her suitor said all those wonderful things within a two week period of time. TWO WEEKS. But one wants to believe, right? He was persistent and persuasive and she was seduced by it. And then all of a sudden, he was done.
Luckily, while she is trusting and sincere, she is also smart and mature. She knew inside that something was off when he moved that fast. It was red flags popping up. It didn’t take her long to realize she had dodged a bullet, or at least was just grazed by it and received a flesh wound not needing extreme medical attention!
Experience is the Teacher –
And now she is a more experienced woman. She has learned the ropes to a more sophisticated degree. She won’t get tied up again that easily, that is for sure. And that’s how it is, right? You don’t learn the ropes from reading a book on relationships. You learn the ropes by having relationships. That is how we learn.
BUT, just in case you don’t want to go through it yourself and you do want to learn from other’s experience….if some guy promises the moon within two weeks? Be wary, no matter how seductive he is.
When I was in High School I was in the second tier cool group. We weren’t in the ‘popular bad boys’ group, we were the ‘make everyone laugh until they blew milk out their nose’ group. We were the group who would do anything funny to get attention. Once, when we were in art class and working with clay I made a giant penis. Why? Because I could and I knew everyone would think it was funny. And they did. Well, except for the teacher. She came over, grabbed the dick and folded it in two, breaking it, right in front of us. This of course made the whole thing even funnier. We seriously laughed until we couldn’t breathe. I probably went to the Principals office, I don’t remember. But it was worth it.
For Girls
But who was I being funny for? I assume there had to be another guy there in the classroom that day but I would never have known. I was doing it for the girls. That’s what mattered to me. And to show you my amazing gain in maturity and wisdom over the years, it’s still what matters to me.
Getting Attention
But it wasn’t just about being funny to get attention. It was about making plans to fight a rival at the baseball diamond across from our elementary school. It was about dancing better than some other doofus at the school dance. It was about finding some really cool shirt or pair of pants I knew would impress. It was about doing daredevil stunts.
A Dark and Stormy Night
Once it was about walking around with a baseball bat in the dark when a girl was scared about a mystery figure supposedly lurking outside her apartment. It turns out her college roomies and she invented the story to get us boys down the street to come out and act macho for them. Sheesh, what college kids will do. I did get my one and only kiss from that girl as a result so that was cool.
They Know It When They See It
Now that I am older and wiser (depending on who you speak to) I have seen that this is a pretty universal trait. Men do funny and stupid things to impress women. I used to try to explain this to my younger female friends then I realized that women see it almost every day and don’t need it explained. They know it.
That’s why the eye roll was invented after all, right?
If you can believe your eyes and ears, it’s day #5 of ‘Women vs Men’ week!
‘Men fall in love with their eyes, women with their ears’
What think you of this idea? Is it true for you or those you know? Tell your Napkin Kin how so.
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Drawing and questions by Marty Coleman, who is hard of hearing and good of seeing.
Quote by Woodrow Wyatt, 1918-1997, British Politician
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As long as I am on a musical kick, here is a song from ‘My Fair Lady’ that exemplifies the frustration between the sexes, at least from a misogynist male perspective. ‘Why Can’t A Woman Be More Like A Man?’ This one should get some of my red blooded female Napkin Kin going!
I hope you didn’t forget…today is day #4 of ‘Women vs Men’ week!
Learning While Falling Apart
If you have followed me a while you know I was married the first time for 20 years. The marriage started breaking down around year 18 but ironically that was also when we started REALLY talking to each other about the marriage, who we were, what we wanted, how we felt. It really was a life altering period for me that I now deeply appreciate. Among things that I learned or I improved were my ability (and willingness) to listen and communicate, feel empathy, think ahead about consequences, and not assume the surface is the reality. I am grateful for those lessons, as is my new wife, Linda (though she knows I still have a long way to go).
Remember I Forget
But there is another thing those years taught me first hand. Kathy and I were in the middle of a long discussion about our marriage when she said ‘But you once said…’ and she then proceeded to say what it was I supposedly said. I didn’t remember saying it. I asked her when I said it. She said, ‘about 1991’. She was telling me this in about 1999, 8 years later. My response? ‘uh…1991? really?’ She not only remembered that I had said whatever it was I said, but she remembered the year. Now if this was an isolated incident I would chalk it up and forget about it. But Kathy did it other times as well when we were going over things from our past (including once remembering something I said from the year 1983!). My wife now, Linda, has also brought up something I said years ago with frightening attention to detail.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to get out of saying what I said. I wish I could remember things as well as Kathy or Linda. But I can’t, at least not yet. From my experience not many men can. I am sure some women can’t either, but I think overall they can remember a hell of a lot better than men do.
Remembering Concrete
But there is a problem with remembering so well and that is that one can easily get stuck with that one memory in your head, playing over and over, and it can blind you to subsequent events, words, deeds, that modify or change that thing that is in your head. So, while forgetting important things we say or do is not always a good thing, it can also allow new, more relevant and true things to come in, things that are who we are now, not who we used to be.
What think you about this?
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Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman, who does remember saying ‘I love you’ a lot to both my wives, no matter how far back it was.
Quote is anonymous
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Here is a great duet from the musical ‘Gigi’ that brings this point out perfectly. My father used to sing the trademark line, ‘ah yes, I remember it well.’ when he would forget something from the past. I do the same thing now. Not many get it when I do that, but I don’t care. It makes me smile.
Speaking of remembering AND forgetting…While I was writing this I was browsing YouTube and came across something I remember very distinctly. My college roommates and I were LA Dodger fans watching the 1977 World Series when this happened. Funny though, in my memory she was wearing short shorts. Ah yes, I remember it well.
It’s ‘Battle of the Sexes’ Week! Chime in, answering the questions below. What are your ideas? Your Napkin Kin want to know!
In my life experience, there seems to be some truth to this. What do you think, is this true? True for others, true for you? Now or in the past? Discuss.
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Drawing and questions by Marty Coleman, who, long, long ago, once looked in a mirror and saw myself as a Native American on a horse in the Southwest. It is safe to say I was in an altered state.
Quote by Elissa Melamed, Author of ‘Mirror, Mirror – The Terror of Not Being Young’
I got into a long and deep discussion today on FB over a story on ABC News/GMA about girls not being allowed to wear strapless dresses to a middle school prom because they were deemed ‘too distracting’ by the principal of the school. Click on the pic or link to read the story.
There were a lot of points of view, mine primarily being that what is needed is proper training for boys on how to respond to girls, no matter what they are wearing. Limiting girls because boys might be distracted is placing the blame on the girl, just as when someone blames a rape victim because she wore too short a skirt or too dark of eyeshadow. Not only is that not the reason behind rape, even if it were, the solution is to get the boys/men educated and trained about appropriate and moral behavior, not telling women they have to wear clothes that conceal.
