Shrek Do you remember Shrek? The main premise of that movie was that while he was ugly he was also very kind and thoughtful, a genuine good ogre. It was a big hit precisely because it turned the ‘beauty equals goodness’ paradigm on its head. Ugly equaled goodness, not beauty. As a matter of fact, the beautiful and handsome ones in the movie were actually quite terrible.
Beautiful People The problem is that ‘beauty equals goodness’ imbues ‘beautiful people’ with an aura of goodness that they don’t necessarily have and allows them an advantage they don’t deserve. A classic and seemingly trivial example is the beautiful woman getting pulled over by a cop but being let go with a warning. In reality though there is a flip side. There are people pulled over who do not fit that beauty standard. They are not given the benefit of the doubt and let off with a warning. They may not even just be given a ticket. They may be hauled out of their car and arrested, all because they aren’t ‘attractive’.
Judgment Bias It’s combination of many things that leads a person in authority to make judgments. And obviously there are legitimate criteria by which to do so. But it could also be they are judging hair and clothing style, the make and age of their car, their race or age, their dialect or accent. If that is the case, then that judgment is based at a fundamental level on ‘beauty equals goodness’ and brings in the associated biases.
Bottom line When we have the power to judge someone, we should double check how and why that judgment is coming about. Is it due to the ‘beauty equals goodness’ bias? If so, we need to rethink.
The Hurt Bird This morning I heard a bird hit our front window. I got up from my chair and went to see if it was hurt. There was no bird but there was a hole in the snow and a light wing flapping pattern around it. It obviously had been stunned but not badly and had flown away on it’s own. If it was still there I was going to go get my work gloves and get the bird to see if I could help it. Have you ever found a hurt bird in your yard? When you pick it up you have to hold on to it tight enough that it can’t jump out and hurt itself but not so tight that you suffocate it, right?
Holding It Lightly That is a handy metaphor for questions and answers in life. I need to hold on to ideas (questions and answers are just different manifestations of an idea after all) that seem important to me, but I can’t hold on to them so tight that they can’t breathe.
Nurturing the Idea What that means with the bird is yes, there is a chance it could get away with how lightly you are holding it but there is a greater chance it won’t escape and you can nurture it back to health. When it comes to ideas this is also true. An idea grows and changes as it ages in your mind. It might become more clear, towards a more firm answer, or it might become a bit more muddied, so you have more questions about it than before (neither direction is better than the other). But the thing is, whatever the direction, you don’t know it in advance. All you know is you have to keep it alive so you can enjoy your relationship with that idea.
Living with Uncertainty And what that means is that it is good if you can live with uncertainty. If you can’t you will demand an answer to every question even if there is no answer that is true or helpful. Then you will hold on to that answer as if your life depends on it, so tight you kill it. It will no longer be alive, able to grow, mature, modify, expand. It will be dead.
Desperate Soil In religion it will lead to legalism. In politics it will lead to hyper-partisanship. In relationships it will lead to unhappiness and isolation. In all cases it will lead to desperation and both questions and answers aren’t nourished well in desperate soil. Where they grow best is in free, loosely packed intellectual soil, rich in nutrients and other ideas, nourished by a loving gardener who takes the time to let both the questions and answer grow into everything they are supposed to be.
The thing to talk about in motivational speaking is our power. If only we would realize our power we could stare down bullies, get that dream job, overcome disease, and end world hunger, is the message. No giant of inspirational rhetoric ever talks about not using power. And why should they, no one is going to travel or pay to listen to someone tell them to be meek or passive, right?
But here’s the truth, motivational, inspirational, or not.
Not is essential
Not is important
Not is powerful
And here is why. Because saying not is taking control. For example, saying, “I am not afraid to fail.” means you are willing to attempt something with the understanding failure is a possibility. Now, we all know the truth is you actually are most likely afraid to fail at some level. So why say it? Is it just a mind game to fool you into doing something? Yep, it is. At least at first. You aren’t actually saying you are not at all afraid to fail. You are saying that in spite of your fear you are going to attempt it anyway. The desire to succeed overcomes the fear of failure.
I am preaching to myself here of course. In my case it’s simple. “I will not have that lemon loaf from Starbucks.” is what I should have said.
What idea do you get just a bit too much pleasure out of? That is your most dangerous idea because, just like a passionate but toxic relationship, it’s the idea that is blinding you to red flags. You are so enamored of it, get so much pleasure from believing it that you forego the usual checks and balances you have on new ideas. Next thing you know you are deep into it and feel like you have invested too much to turn away. This is not true. It only has power when you hold on to it. Drop it like a bad dream and see how it’s power fades as you move away from it.
You won’t regret it.
“The average man does not get pleasure out of an idea because it is true. He thinks it is true because he gets pleasure out of it.”
She was writing the letter to her father but had a hard time saying what she wanted so she had started it 7 times.
By that time she was copying bits and pieces of the earlier attempts into the letter in the hope it would finally come together.
The first letter was too harsh. The second was too mushy. The third was too mushy. The fourth was too safe. The fifth was too pretentious and the sixth was too boring.
The seventh was turning out to be all those things and she didn’t like that so she took a break to get another cup of coffee.
As she stood in line she saw a mother roughly pull her child out of the way of a customer walking with a hot cup of tea. It reminded her of something good.
She put on her headphones and got lost in her romance novel until it was her turn to order. The barista said, “Bless you.” when she paid. It gave her a warm feeling.
While she was waiting at the end of the counter she saw an old man grab a pile of napkins as he picked up his drink with both hands. He smiled at her and said, “You can never be too careful, right?”. “Don’t I know it.” she said back with a smile.
As she settled back in her chair she heard the man behind her explain in great, minute detail the process of brewing a perfect cup of coffee to whoever he was with. She quietly chuckled and rolled her eyes.
She felt confident now of what she wanted to tell her father. She smiled as she wrote the five words and signed her given name.
