by Marty Coleman | Aug 18, 2017 | Chinese Proverbs, Self-HELP!! - 2015, The Napkin's Guide to Happy Living |
I am not sure if this is really good advice or not. But it’s better than ‘get drunk as you can’ and ‘go kill someone’ so let’s say it’s good, ok?
The truth is, most of the time when we think we are in hot water, we aren’t, just like when we take a bath. We get in and it is HOT! But before too long it’s actually quite temperate. Bad events are often like that too. We see them as outrageous, unforgivable, irredeemable at first. Then we realize they aren’t as bad as we thought. It might take a while, weeks or months even, but eventually we find we will survive.
So, maybe the best thing to do when you are confronted with getting in trouble is to do exactly this, take a bath. Or a go for a walk, or a run. Or watch a movie. It doesn’t really matter what it is, just mellow out for a bit so you can calm down and see the situation through more reasonable eyes.
Then, if you are still in hot water, get a lawyer!
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote is a Chinese proverb
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by Marty Coleman | May 8, 2015 | The Napkin's Guide to Happy Living |
Here I have two quotes that both start with the same part of a sentence. They then go in completely different directions.
And so I have a challenge for you!
- Challenge question: Which quote is the original quote, #1 or #2?
- “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be”
- “Most folks are about as happy as they can fake.”
- Bonus question: Who said the original quote? And yes, it’s the honor system for you to not look it up.
- Personal question: Which one do you think is more accurate and why?
Let me know your answers in the comments!
Drawing and questions © 2015 Marty Coleman
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by Marty Coleman | Apr 15, 2015 | The Napkin's Guide to Happy Living |
Intention vs Reality
I had a completely different quote in mind this morning when I went into my studio to draw. But I saw a scary looking eye in the napkin pattern and drew the eye. That led to a fish, which led to a number of other fish, which led to them looking like they were about to attack something or someone which led to a woman on a beach covered in wounds and scars.
I didn’t intend it, much like the many things we say and do that hurt people. There is a scene in this past year’s Oscar winner for best picture, Birdman, that illustrates this perfectly. The main character is freaking out about the possibility of being humiliated by the press and the public if the play he is directing and acting in (as well as having written) turns out to suck. He asks another character, a woman he is sleeping with, “Aren’t you worried about being humiliated?” She says in response, “It won’t be the first time I’ve been humiliated.” He says, “Of course it won’t be.”
She stares at him and says, “You’re an asshole.” She walks out and he is left completely baffled, having no idea why she said that or why she is mad.
He is baffled because he had no intention to hurt her feelings. But her feelings were hurt nonetheless. It was an imagined hurt that led to a real wound. He later realizes that what he said hurt her feelings and apologizes to her. He doesn’t apologize because he intended to hurt her and he is now sorry. He apologizes because he realizes it doesn’t matter if he intended to hurt her. What matters is the effect of his words hurt her.
Dangers all Around
There are dangers in life, real scary dangers. Some we can see coming, like the severe weather we have here in Oklahoma. Some we don’t ever see coming, like an earthquake in California. And some we understand as part of the risk of everyday life, like driving a huge hunk of metal down a road, flying in a giant tube in the sky, or being in a relationship with another human. Those are real and wounds from them going wrong can be real wounds.
There is enough danger in reality, no help comes from adding imagined danger to the things that wound you.
This and all other napkins are for sale as originals or as prints. Coming soon The Napkin will be a secure ecommerce site and you will be able to buy direct. In the meanwhile, please email me at marty@napkindad.com to inquire.
Quote, drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman © 2015
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by Marty Coleman | Jan 29, 2014 | Marty Coleman, The Napkin's Guide to Happy Living |
You can’t be depressed knowing today is #7 in The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living, can you?
The Funeral Reason
When my ex-father in law died I attended the memorial service. I didn’t give a eulogy and I didn’t sing. It appeared as if I just sat and experienced others expressing themselves. But they weren’t doing it just for themselves, they were representing a community of people. Their expressions were on our behalf and that made it our expression as well.
Later, at the reception, I spoke briefly of my memory and love for this man. It was my own expression but from the smiles and laughs and tears I saw around me I knew my expression was more than just my own. We were all lifting each other.
It’s often said we have funerals and memorial services for closure. But I am not sure it’s the main reason. After all we don’t close the book on that person’s life and forget about them, do we? The main reason, in my mind, for a funeral is expression. Why is that? Because, expression is one of the most important ways to defeat depression.
Depression By Any Other Name
Just to be clear, I am not talking about the clinical definition, but the broad, lay meaning of depression as you might find in these statements; ‘I am depressed my BF broke up with me.’ ‘I am in a funk that I didn’t get the raise.’ ‘I am really bummed my great Aunt passed away.’ There are all sorts of ways to say it but, whatever the word, the sentiment is pretty much the same, you are depressed.
Expressive Ways
How do we express ourselves out of depression and back to happiness? We might listen to the music or write the music, see the art or create the art, read the book or write the book. But whatever we do, we take expressive action of some sort. THAT is the key. It’s in our expressive action that we start the ball rolling back towards happy living.
So, if you are depressed, go get your pencil and draw, stand up and sing, find your keyboard and play, get your laptop and write that short story. Whatever it is you do to express yourself, go do it, see if it doesn’t help bring you back to your happiness.
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Love – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #1
Courage – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #2
Home – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #3
Education – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #4
Transformation – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #5
Judging – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #6
Expression – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #7
________________
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
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by Marty Coleman | Jan 22, 2014 | Marty Coleman, The Napkin's Guide to Happy Living |
I judge today to be a great day for you to enjoy Happy Living #6!
The Ballerina in Your Living Room
Back in the 1990’s I taught Art Appreciation at a Community College in California. I once took my students on a field trip to San Francisco to do some gallery hopping. While in one gallery I noticed a student contemplating a certain Abstract Expressionist painting. I asked her what she was thinking and she said, “I wouldn’t put it in my house.” That statement got me thinking so I gathered up the class and asked how many others had thought that same thing. More than half raised their hands. I then said, “Well guess what? It is unlikely that that painting, or any of the other paintings here, will ever BE in your house. They all have price tags of $100,000.00 to $500,000.00.”
I continued, “Would you go to a Ballet and say, ‘Well, I wouldn’t have that Ballerina in my living room.’? Of course not. You KNOW she is not going to be in your living room. You don’t need to judge her as if she is. Actually, you don’t need to judge her at all. And you don’t need to judge the art in this room. You might enjoy the work more if you judge it less. Now let’s evaluate these paintings again, without the idea of possession and judgment in the way of our enjoyment”. We then walked around talking about the work without judging it good or bad or worthy of being over our couch. We were all much happier without the judgment.
Obsessed with Judging
I believe America is obsessed with judging and I think it’s debilitating to creativity, compassion and happiness. I don’t mean there is not a time to judge. I like talent shows and I don’t mind the judging that has to go on there. We also need to judge behaviors to keep ourselves safe. The law is all about judging, and I am a fan of the law in general. But think about how almost every aspect of American (and probably many other countries’ social life) is filled with non-stop judging.
The Non-Judgmental Tattoo
Let’s take one example, tattoos. I happen to like tattoos, yet I have none of my own. Neither does my wife. I am pretty sure none of my 4 daughters do either, but if they do, they aren’t apparent. But I like tattoos nonetheless. Why? Because they are interesting. And they aren’t mine. They are simply something I witness go by. Part of what I call the passing parade. I can witness, admire, observe, evaluate, investigate, explore, question, wonder, imagine, and otherwise enjoy a tattoo that passes in front of me. But I will unlikely do any of those things if I judge it first. Judging cuts off those things, cuts off happiness. Judgment says good or bad and done. Case is closed.
But why does the case have to be closed? What is so important that I have to render a judgment of a woman’s snake tattoo as she walks by. Why can’t I just enjoy it, experience it? What will happen if I just look at it, explore it, contemplate it’s color, texture, shape, and meaning. Why not ask her about her tattoo? Why not just let it pass without judging it? We will be happier, I know that much.
What other examples can you think of where we tend to judge quickly when there isn’t any real need to judge at all?
Don’t Judge
Here are some tattoos I have found and photographed over the years. It always makes me happy when I find one. See if you can simply explore them without judgment.
It’s not that easy, is it? But it is worth it to escape the debilitating, uncreative, unhappy prison of judgment.
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Love – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #1
Courage – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #2
Home – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #3
Education – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #4
Transformation – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #5
Judging – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #6
Expression – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #7
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Drawing, photographs and commentary by Marty Coleman, who might get one someday, who knows.
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by Marty Coleman | Jan 2, 2014 | Marty Coleman, The Napkin's Guide to Happy Living |
Here is your opportunity to see another in my Happy Living Guide, but don’t feel obligated.
Holiday Obligations
Because the holidays are just over, it’s a perfect time to talk about obligations vs opportunities. We do much in November and December out of obligation. And for some, obligation is a word empty of any happiness. We have to clean house, put up decorations, take down decorations, clean house again. We have to plan trips, plan time off from work, plan our return. We have to worry about weather, food, clothing. We have to think about presents for everyone, or no one. And then there is family, family we may not want to visit. But we are obligated so we do it.
Moments of Happy
Remember, I am not talking about ‘a happy life’. I am talking about ‘living happy’. There is a difference. Living happy means you have happy moments. That allows you to live in reality and reality includes moments that aren’t happy. But you can find happy moments in any life. Find enough of them and at the end you will likely be able to say ‘I lived a happy life’. But that will be after the fact. While you live your life you have to find happy moments within it.
Holiday Opportunities
In my experience you find happy moments within obligations when you are able to see past your expectations. When you allow the unexpected to come in. You do that by putting judgment on the shelf and forgetting it until later, and finding something to love in the moment. For example, you go to visit your sister’s family. You know she is going to be judgmental and controlling and nosey about your life. That’s a drag. But her daughters or sons on the other hand, they can be an opportunity for you, finding out about who they are now, not lumping them in with your judgment of your sister. Find that happy moment with them. You may not have a fantastic time at your sister’s house, but you can find happy moments there and you can focus on those when you tell the story of your visit to others. You don’t have to tell the story of your judgmental sister. You can tell the story of your amazing nieces and nephews instead.
And then maybe your next visit you will look like this as you arrive.
It isn’t just over the holidays or with family this idea is important. It’s in your health and fitness, in your job, in your home design, your clothing, your hobbies, everything.
What is an example from your own life?
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Love – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #1
Courage – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #2
Home – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #3
Education – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #4
Transformation – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #5
Judging – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #6
Expression – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #7
_______________________
Drawing and commentary by Marty Coleman
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by Marty Coleman | Dec 16, 2013 | Marty Coleman, The Napkin's Guide to Happy Living |
Take an educated guess as to what day it is? It’s Happy Living Day #4!
On Topic Education
I can explain things pretty well. Much of the time this ability is due to my education. I am relatively educated about art for example and I can explain certain things about it. Most of us can do that in some area. My father could talk forever on all facets of aviation. My sister can talk about genealogy in detail. My wife on the business of electrical and gas utilities, my oldest daughter on neuroscience, my youngest on fashion design.
Off Topic Education
But what about areas that have no connection to anything in your life, what is the value of being educated in those areas? In 2005 Steve Jobs gave a commencement speech at Stanford University. He said something very important about how education really happens.
“Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn’t have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can’t capture, and I found it fascinating.
None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it’s likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
Replacing Explain
So, the idea stated by Mr. Jobs above is that ALL of your education matters. It doesn’t matter just for your job, it matters for your happy living. Yes, the more you educate yourself the more you can explain things, explain connections, explain ideas, to others. But it is more than that. Here is what I mean. In the quote above, replace ‘explain’ with ‘understand’. Now replace it with ‘please’. Now replace it with ‘forgive’.
A lifestyle of self-education is a major key to growth, to understanding, to wisdom about yourself. And those things can lead to some level of living happy.
Replacing Yourself
Now go even one step further. Replace ‘yourself’ with ‘others’ – explain others, understand others, please others, forgive others. Commit to self-education throughout your life and it leads not just deeper into yourself, but past yourself to others. And then you will really be living happy.
________________________
Love – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #1
Courage – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #2
Smiling – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #3
Education – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #4
Transformation – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #5
Judging – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #6
Expression – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #7
________________________
Drawing and guide by Marty Coleman, who once took a course on building a stone wall without mortar.
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by Marty Coleman | Dec 14, 2013 | Marty Coleman, The Napkin's Guide to Happy Living |
Smile, it’s Happy Living day #3!
A Short Short Story
She was raised swimming and it made her smile when she was able to afford a pool when she grew up. She loved cats and it made her smile when her cat would come and play with her. It made her smile to drink her favorite coffee when she sat out in the late morning. She was happy living. The End
Holiday Time
The Holiday season is a great time to do create a world that makes you smile. My friend Danielle, the force behind Extraordinarymommy.com, posted this photo the other day. The caption that went with it read, “I have moved my office into the family room… I want to embrace every minute of this view…”
Danielle Smith’s Family Room at Christmas Time
Why was that? Because the view made her smile. Obviously she and her family live a comfortable and well-off life. But that is not the key to the happiness this room gives her. The key is the love that went into it, not the money.
Humble is no Excuse
Very early on in my first marriage, we lived in a 90 year old rental house in downtown San Jose, California. Most of our furniture was old, hand me down furniture. But we still were able to make the space warm, welcoming and pleasing. We had a really old trunk I bought for $3.00 at a garage sale in San Francisco as our coffee table. It had brass hardware on it. I took the hardware off and polished it to a high sheen. It made a big difference in the look of the trunk. It made me happy to put my feet up on it.
We weren’t able to do everything we wanted to the house or have all the furniture we wanted, but what we had we made as beautiful as we could.
Suburbs Are No Excuse
Years later, after we moved to Oklahoma and could afford a nice, big house, my first wife and I divorced. I retained ownership of the house and our daughter’s lived with me during the school year, since their mother had moved out of the school district. During the summer they lived mostly at her house. I took advantage of having them gone most of the summer to paint the inside of the house. I painted it red, gold, and cream. Sound crazy? I loved it. It made me happy.
Our home 1994-2006, Broken Arrow, Oklahoma
I added black spots to my white picket fence so it matched my dalmatian, Oreo. That made me smile and it made the neighborhood kids smile.
Oreo and the Barking Fence
I remodeled my kitchen, taking out a dropped ceiling. After I was almost done I still had some holes in the ceiling where electrical and other things had come through. I decided that instead of fixing the holes in the traditional way I would cover them by hot gluing the ceramics my daughters had created in elementary school onto the ceiling. My kitchen ceiling became a permanent art gallery. That made me smile and it made my daughters smile. No, none fell down.
My Daughters’ Ceramic Gallery
Crazy Artist Type
I know what you are thinking, ‘Marty, that’s fine for you, you are the crazy artist type and can get away with that stuff. But not me.’ You would be surprised what you can do if you decide it’s is worth doing. The idea, no matter what level of creativity you have, is to create a physical world that makes you smile. Do it a bit at a time, as you can afford it and as circumstances allow, and it will add to your happy living. Don’t settle for a world that doesn’t make you smile.
What have you designed or experienced that makes you smile?
________________
Love – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #1
Courage – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #2
Smiling – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #3
Education – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #4
Transformation – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #5
Judging – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #6
Expression – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #7
________________
Drawing and Guide by Marty Coleman, who isn’t above framing postcards that make him smile.
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by Marty Coleman | Dec 12, 2013 | Marty Coleman, The Napkin's Guide to Happy Living |
Once again the key to happy living comes from speaking AND doing. It’s great to say you love something, but it’s in the doing that you understand what that really means.
Courage, Creative and Practical
There are at least two elements to this. The first is illustrated in the drawing, finding a creative outlet you love. The second is the day to day life you lead and the practical choices it entails.
Creativity
I’ve mentioned this before but it’s such a fundamental lesson it bears repeating; if you are going to be a consistent creative force in the world you have to love what you do and let the world know it. It might seem obvious but the roadblocks can be high. To give just one example, the woman in the drawing might have a spouse, family, employer or church who does not approve of her doing nude sculpture. But if the nude is what she loves, if it’s what she is creatively moved by, then she has to find a way to make it happen. She has to find the courage to stand up and say, this is what I love to do. She has to do this knowing she will face the anger, misunderstanding or rejection. That is the definition of courage. She does it because creating her art as she pleases makes her happy and that is worth it.
Practical
There are other examples that reside in our daily life. They involve individuality, style and interests. For example, the woman who likes blue eyeshadow but knows people laugh at it and thinks it’s tacky. The man who likes to bird watch even though all his buddies like to hunt and think he is a wuss. The couple who like to take separate vacations even though their families think it means they don’t really love each other. The female bodybuilder with 10 cats whose landlord makes fun of her.
What they all have in common is their pursuit of what makes them happy and their willingness to face disapproval because of it. What are some other examples?
Developing
I first wrote the guide above to say ‘Have the courage…’ but I changed it to ‘Develop the courage…’ because I realized as I wrote it that courage is a muscle. It’s no different than a physical muscle. It needs to be developed through practice and training. One needs to learn what it entails and how to implement it. How to withstand an onslaught. How to respond to an attack. How to make peace with disapproval. It isn’t easy. I like to think I’ve been a courageous artist for 40 years and it still is hard for me to face the disapproval of my wife or family or the art world or society. Trust me, I know. I live in Oklahoma, the land of judgment. I don’t have all the answers but I know one aspect that helps, and that’s to have a sense of humor about it.
Reward
In my years of going through it I discovered something. The happier and more confident I am about my choice and direction, from the beginning, the more those around me bow to it. I don’t mean bow in any sort of grandiose way, I mean that those who see a confident person stepping forward in a creative vision usually respond with respect after a while. Yes, they may push back at first, but if you are consistent and resolute, they see you are not going to be stopped and they let you go. That is where consistent application of your creative vision gains a reward for you. You become known as that person. Your identity is secure and others respect and admire that.
Be courageous, confident and consistent in the choices that make you happy and others will see it and respect it over time.
What examples do you have of courage and creativity?
__________________
Love – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #1
Courage – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #2
Smiling – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #3
Education – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #4
Transformation – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #5
Judging – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #6
Expression – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #7
__________________
Drawing and guide by Marty Coleman, who has been known to draw naked people himself.
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by Marty Coleman | Dec 10, 2013 | Marty Coleman, The Napkin's Guide to Happy Living |
The First Responder
My daughter, Caitlin, was driving from Dallas to Tulsa, coming home for Thanksgiving, a few weeks back. There was a car accident immediately behind her and she stopped to help. She steeled herself to perhaps see something pretty traumatic but luckily the guy wasn’t really badly hurt. She went to her car, got paper towels and other stuff and helped him with his injuries. She didn’t think of her actions as being about love I don’t think. But they were. She could have driven on. She could have just watched from a distance. But she didn’t. She chose to get involved and help him.
Acting
When I first came up with this I had it as ‘Think in terms of love’. But I quickly remembered another important lesson, ‘It’s easier to act your way into another way of feeling than it is to feel your way into another way of acting.’ and realized that many times the action of love has to come before the feeling (or thinking) of love. The action actually leads one closer to the feeling, they compound each other.
Thinking
Even though acting is key, acting without thinking can lead to many missed opportunities. The reason is this; just as a frame around a painting changes the painting itself, how you frame what you experience changes the experience. For example, when you see an activity, let’s say a business trip, as an obligation or duty then there is a certain dread attached to it. But if you think of it as an opportunity to show love, then there is much more excitement and enthusiasm for it.
Love to Whom?
But a business trip? How can I show love on a business trip? It’s actually a great opportunity to evaluate and frame what it is you do, seeing if what you do can be categorized as love, or, if not, can adjust your attitude or actions to be more loving? Think of all the people you meet on a business trip? Flight attendants, fellow flyers, cab drivers, hotel staff, business colleagues, restaurant workers. What better group of people to help you see if how you act (and think) is in terms of love?
Happy Living
The end result of acting and thinking in terms of love is that you feel happy. Happy with yourself, yes. But just as likely you will feel happy about the circumstances you are in as well.
And since it’s impossible to live a happy life all at once, the best we can do is to have happy moments within a life. Have enough of those and at the end you will discover you’ve lived a happy life. And it all starts with love.
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Love – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #1
Courage – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #2
Smiling – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #3
Education – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #4
Transformation – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #5
Judging – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #6
Expression – The Napkin’s Guide to Happy Living #7
__________________
Drawing, quote and commentary by Marty Coleman
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