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Chapter One – Ella Goes
Chapter Two – Ella Drinks
Chapter Three – Ella Looks
Chapter Three – Ella Realizes
Chapter Four – Ella Blushes
Chapter Five – Ella Points
Chapter Six – Ella Laughs
Chapter Seven – Ella Speaks
Chapter Eight – Ella Listens
Chapter Nine – Ella Argues
Chapter Ten – Ella Laughs Again
Chapter Eleven – Ella Gets Married
The End
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Time and Forgiveness
Why not burn a bridge? I mean, you aren’t going to see those jerks again anyway, right? Many many years ago I was fired from a company. One person made the decision and she was the one who gave me the news. I didn’t burn any bridges then, even though given the circumstances I could have seen her as my enemy.
The Future is the Present
Fast forward 6 years and this woman crosses my path when she enrolls in a class of mine (not knowing I am the lead teacher). A class she will be in 3 days a week for 12 weeks. Now is the moment I am glad I didn’t burn that bridge. I knew who she was and I knew what she had done. I knew it had been unfair and had adversely affected my life. But I had a choice. Would all the anger and unfairness I felt at the beginning hold sway or would I choose a different path?
Embracing
I chose the different path. I embraced her. I worked with her. I cared for her. I listened to her story of injury and recovery. I encouraged her in making progress, and she did. I saw her all the way through. So much so that after the class was over and a new class started she joined that as well. We didn’t become close friends, but there is no doubt she knew I had not only forgiven her (which she may or may not have felt she needed anyway) but had embraced her and wished her well in her life. I didn’t just say it, I acted it out in my actions towards her.
That is why you don’t burn bridges. Not just because you may regret it professionally later, but because it will cut off the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation later in life.
In Your Mind
Another story, this one from an online friend. His daughter abruptly left home at age 18 without much of an explanation. She didn’t respond to repeated attempt to reconnect with her family, including old fashion letter writing on the part of her father. She had been dealing with anxiety and depression before and after she left and eventually did get medical treatment. However, she was still estranged from the entire family. But when she accidentally ran into her younger sister in public and chose to ignore her, the father witnessed the devastation the younger daughter went through. Enough was enough and he knew he had to take action.
But what action? How about burning that bridge, telling her she was persona non grata in the family for hurting the younger sister so badly? NO, of course he didn’t do that. He found a way to contact her directly and demanded they get together and talk. Others had been telling her the same thing, so she agreed.
Moving Past
He was nervous about this meeting, expecting to be confronted by the same angry daughter who had left over a year earlier. But, that is not what happened. Instead he met a mature, responsible 19 year old. One who asked forgiveness, placed no blame on her parents, and wanted to start fresh with the whole family. You don’t have to be told how great that father felt. And why did that happen? Because he didn’t burn the bridge but decided, in spite of the danger and anxiety, to cross the bridge instead. He made the effort out of love and it paid off.
A burned bridge never would have allowed that.
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by David Russell
Some
Ok, a single leaf provides SOME shade, as my periscope viewers kept saying while I was drawing this live. But the point is, as evidenced by the sunburned sunbather with the silly silhouette on her stomach, it doesn’t provide ENOUGH shade. But enough shade for what? That is the question. And the answer reminds us of a larger reason behind teamwork.
Olympics
We watch the teams in the Olympics and they are so focused in the pursuit of their communal glory that we often don’t see who else they are fighting for. We forget that in their mind they want to win the Gold not just for their teammates, but for their parents and families and friends and nations. When they breakdown and cry at a medal ceremony it’s often because they are thinking of how they made their country proud, their families happy and their sports club back home so filled with pride. It wasn’t just about the team, but about what the team did for others.
And that is the essence of great teamwork: having a purpose that includes, but at the same time transcends, the team.
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote adapted from a quote by Chuck Page
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You Are the Bundle
This was an interesting one to draw. Once I finished the drawing I didn’t really like it much. It just didn’t make sense. A woman holding a bundle of sticks is going to stop some jerk? The I realized it wasn’t the bundle of sticks doing the stopping, it was the woman. the WOMAN was the bundle. She was strong because of all the various ‘sticks’ she was made of. She isn’t just strong as one thing, she is strong because she is many things. Each of those things by themselves might be a weakness, but even the weakest stick is strong when in a bundle, right?
All Of You
That is why your supposed flaws are really only dangerous to you if you are ONLY your flaws. But you aren’t. You are your strength, your humor, your perseverance, your attitude, your skill, your craft, your intelligence, your wisdom, your judgment, your toughness. In with those things are also your fears, your anger, your panic, your laziness, your self-righteousness, your forgetfulness, your selfishness, your lack of common sense. They make you stronger than if you are just one thing. And that means, if you bring all those things out, even some of the negative ones, at the right time, you won’t be broken.
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote is a Kenyan proverb
I had to go to the art supply store and decided that as long as I was all the way there I might as well get some coffee and create some art.
I got my giant cappuccino and settled in to draw the woman at the window. She was deep into writing and I had a feeling she would be there a while. Who knows, I might get lucky and be able to draw the entire scene before she left. Of course all I really needed was for her to stay long enough to draw her. The rest of the scene I was pretty sure would remain where it was.
I was able to finish the entire line drawing, including the background. When I went over to show her the drawing I told her I wasn’t sure what I would put in the thought bubbles but that I would probably write a short story and the words in the bubbles would be part of that story. She told me she was actually writing a film script if that helped at all. I told her it did.
Britni Harris at Fair Fellow Coffee House, Tulsa, Oklahoma
Drawing and story © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
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Blame and Glory
As funny as this is, it brings up a pretty good point. The whole point of teamwork is to not place blame on individuals. The blame, and the glory, goes to the team instead. You see this all the time in sports during interviews after games that a team has lost. “WE let our fans down”, “WE didn’t execute properly”, “WE were slow to adjust” are all things you might hear from a coach or a player. No pointing at one person.
Even sports analysts not connected to the team do this. In American football, you often will hear an analyst talk about how a team is weak in a certain position. not that a particular teammate is not good enough.
Olympics
Yesterday I watched at Katie Ledecky was interviewed at the Rio Olympics. Her relay team had just won the Gold Medal in the 4x200m relay. She came back from 1 1/2 lengths behind to crush the competition and was the main reason the team won. But you heard none of that from her. She only talked about the team’s performance, not her own. Others pointed to her as the reason, but she pushed off the praise, turning it back to the team.
Knowing vs Saying
Does that mean she doesn’t know she was the reason? No, she knew. Among the coaches and athletes talked about above, did they not know who actually was to blame? Who dropped the ball at the crucial time, who didn’t live up to expectations? Of course not. They all know. But they didn’t say it outloud in public. In private, in the coaches room while figuring out the future team? Of course they talk about individuals and their performance. But in public? No. Because doing it in public is judgment. Doing it in private is evaluation. And the best teams thrive on neutral evaluation, not harsh judgment and condemnation.
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by Anonymous
“Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.”
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You name it and if you have enough of something it can’t be overcome. Here are some examples:
They are all made up of individual parts, but put them together and they become unstoppable. One angry person? Put handcuffs on him. 10,000 angry people? You have a violent mob riot that can’t be contained with handcuffs.
I read a book called ‘The Innovators’ by Walter Isaacson earlier this year. It is the story of the invention and development of the computer and the internet revolution. A big argument that came up mid-20th century was who actually developed the first computer. There was this guy at Iowa State University, John Atanasoff, working in his University lab who came up with the idea for a computer and started to build it. But he had no team of engineers and machinists to overcome this one issue of making holes in punchcards. Because of that work stopped, WWII started and he went off to war. Meanwhile, John Mauchly and J. Presper Eckert were doing the same thing at Penn State. But they developed a team that could fill all the roles necessary to make the idea come to life. In 1945 their machine, ENIAC, became operational and they are now the ones credited with making the first true computer. The difference? a team instead of an individual.
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by Vesta M. Kelly
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Jealousy is a word that is used with ease. But often times it’s misused. The person says the word ‘jealous’ but what they actually mean is ‘envy’. Here is how I see the difference. Jealousy is when you don’t want someone else to have what you have (or had). Envy is when you want what someone else has.
For example, if your neighbor has a new car and you wish you had it. You are envious, not jealous. But if your neighbor steals your husband and you wish you still had him. You are jealous, not envious.
The reason you are jealous in that situation is because you still love your husband (in spite of him being so stupid as to leave you). You hate him for leaving, you hate her for stealing him away but you still love him and want him back. That is why you are jealous, because you feel both things at the same time. If you simply hated them both you wouldn’t be jealous. You would be happy to get rid of the jerk. If you only felt love for him you wouldn’t be jealous, you might feel sorry for him, or maybe hopeful he has a good life, but wouldn’t want him back and you wouldn’t hate that your neighbor stole him.
What do you think? Am I making sense?
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by Drake, 1986 – not dead yet, American singer
A few weeks ago, when I was on hiatus from my part-time job as a running coach, I took advantage of a few free Thursday nights to go to a figure drawing session at Philbrook Museum of Art. It was the first time I had ever photographed myself drawing like this and it was very eye opening to look back and watch my own process. I recommend it to anyone doing creative work.
10 minute pose in 37 seconds
This is a contour drawing, where you are finding definition of form via the contour lines of the figure. I have often been asked over the decades about being distracted while drawing the nude due to the arousing nature of staring at a naked person. The truth is, which I think you can see in these time-lapse photos, the process is incredibly focused, with 100% of one’s mind and body working to see and translate the scene onto paper. What I have always told my students, whether as a formal college instructor or just talking to people asking questions about art, is that drawing is irreducibly only one thing. It’s marks on a piece of paper. When I draw, my focus is on making an interesting set of marks on a piece of paper.
10 minute pose in 23 seconds
This is what I call a shape drawing, where I focused first on defining the individual shapes that then end up forming the figure’s overall shape. Only after I got those shapes in place did I start to define the figure with more shading and line.
10 minute pose in 37 seconds
This is another contour line drawing. It’s done in blue colored pencil. Why? I don’t know, just wanted to try it is all. One of the big challenges of drawing a figure or scene is organizing the space in your head before you start to draw. Making sure she was going to fit in other words. That starts at the very beginning of the drawing because if you get that first element proportioned wrong, your mistakes will multiply and you will end up with the figure not being composed as you would like.
Videos and drawings © 2016 – Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
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After WWII the GIs came home and started families. The US exploded in production and manufacturing, construction, innovation, and standard of living. The depression was over, the war was over. Deprivation was behind them. Now they could have nice things, go nice places on nice roads. All of which was great. But that lead to a desire to not stand out, unless it was to stand out as the best and the brightest. But certainly not to stand out as odd or eccentric.
But the truth was many of those people were faking it. They didn’t really live these great lives full of fashion and money and grace and charm. They looked like they did, but not inside. Their outsides said one thing and their insides said another. Maybe the outside said dutiful housewife, but the inside said thwarted creative. Maybe the outside said successful businessman but the inside said thwarted outdoorsman. The point isn’t about the specifics though, it’s about leading an disingenuous life. It’s about not having who you present yourself to be matching who you really are.
And so the people who saw this first hand, saw the hypocrisy and the pain it caused, who saw the thwarted lives, who saw the waste of trying to fit in, rebelled against it. Those people were the children of those adults trying to fit in. they became the beatniks, the hippies, the yippies (look it up) the flower children, the radicals. They became the ones promoting love, peace, creativity, freedom. They were the ones that said you could be who you want to be, not who you think others want you to be.
Even though we are 40-50 years removed from that era, if you feel that you are genuinely who you want to be, you have a hippie to thank for it. Maybe not directly, but in our modern world, it started with them. And if you don’t feel you are who you want to be, if you feel you are putting on a facade that isn’t really you, then take a lesson from the hippies and take a small step out into the unknown and see if you can’t do it too. You can you know.
Drawing and commentary © Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by André Gide, 1869-1951, French author
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I mean a society’s pursuit, desire, and support for a high level of creative expression in all arenas of society. What I don’t mean is an exclusionary or elite culture that feels itself to be superior or better than another one.
Why do I believe this high level of culture means less anger and violence? Because a high culture is one a society is proud of and invested in. That means they don’t want it destroyed. They don’t want it diminished. They don’t want it to disappear. They have created something that brings joy, interest, wonder, humor, fun, discovery. Something that makes one think and allows for a thinking response. They learn and grow from it. In other words, they love it.
I do not believe we, as an overall society, have a culture like that at this time.
Well, it’s like the very true variation on the old quote. “Grass is always greener…where you water it.” The truth is we ourselves are responsible for the cultural grass being dry and dead. How so?
In other words, to use a variation on another famous quote, “For culture to disappear, all it takes is for good people to do nothing.”
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by Johanne Wolfgang Von Goethe, 1749 – 1832, German writer
Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe In The Country – by Johann Heinrich Wilhelm Tischbein
Some of the saddest reports I read in the newspaper each day (yep, I read the paper) are the ones about a mother and father being arrested for child neglect. They break my heart just as much as some much more violent reports. Why is that?
We often see hate on display these days in terrorist attacks, violent protests, angry authority figures, politics and murder. You may even have hate spewed at you personally once in a while. Hate is not that hard to spot, is it.
But hate isn’t just the loud mouth, the siren, the volcano. It’s also the indifference of one group for another in pain. It’s the neglect a society shows towards the weakest or most vulnerable. It’s the irresponsible parent who would rather fulfill their own addictions and desires than take care of their child’s needs.
But what is it they hate exactly? Do they hate the child? I think they hate not being able to indulge. They can’t be who they want to be with a child alongside them. And that leads to resentment and hatred for their child. Can you think of anything more emotionally tragic than that for a child? I can’t. That parent may say they don’t want to hurt their child and so they don’t actively show hate towards them. But their ignoring of their needs, their purposeful lack of attention to their wants, is hate nonetheless.
Love isn’t about extravagant birthday celebrations and big vacations. It’s not about giving the best of everything to your child. It’s about paying attention to them. It’s about turning away from what you want and need and paying attention to what they want and need.
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by J.K. Rowling, 1965 – not dead yet, British author
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I drew this drawing of the crowd with two police officers representing love and hate on the morning of the Dallas protest, before the police officers were killed and wounded. I was going to post it the next morning but felt it would be insensitive to do so. It was now an incomplete statement.
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So over the next few days I drew this one as a companion piece. It shows the opposite scene. Not cops in charge, but the crowd. The crowd has the power of love and hate just as much as the cops do.
We as people must always decide, every day, whether we are going to act and react with love or hate. When violence happens to someone, especially someone you don’t know and might be scared of, or antagonistic towards, are you looking for a reason to not care? That means your heart is moving towards hate. It is hardening. You are telling it that those people don’t care. That they deserved it.
Only one person in the past week has deserved anything close to the fate of death, and that was the killer of the 5 police officers. But even then, you don’t have to say or feel it with hate. You can say it sadness that his life went so terribly awry, you can feel it with love and compassion for the families left behind.
The other 16 people? They didn’t deserve to be wounded or die. If your political position is such that you are hating one of these people; the cops who shot Alton Sterling and Philandro Castile, or Alton and Philandro themselves, then you are slowly but surely marching into the ‘part of the problem’ column. If you feel the shooting of the 14 people in Dallas was in any way justified, you are already deep into that column and need a wake up call.
Imagine yourself at age 80. Who are you? Your decisions now, every day, are making you into that person. Do you want that person to be hateful, bitter, angry, resentful? If you do, then practice those things and you will become them. If you don’t, if you want, at age 80, to be kind, loving, forgiving, understanding, compassionate then you must practice those things now and every day. It’s how life works: You become what you practice.
Drawings and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by Mignon McLaughlin, 1913 – 1983, American journalist
The woman rubbed the tea pot and a Genie came out. The woman said, “Wow, this is amazing! I am going to wish for…”
But the Genie stopped her and said, “Sorry, I am not that kind of Genie. I don’t grant wishes and I don’t do dishes. I am a comedian, all I do is tell jokes.” And with that the Genie rolled herself into a ball and floated out of the room through the vent.
The Genie eventually made it big and got her own sitcom. But the woman who rubbed the teapot was bitter about it for the rest of her life.
Drawing and short story © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Very Short Story #1
The man texted the stranger from the dating app but didn’t know the person was sitting right next to him at the coffee place. Later they would laugh when telling the story of how they met.
Very Short Story #2
The woman looked at the stranger’s picture on the dating site and liked what she saw. Then she realized the woman in the picture was actually sitting outside the window at the cafe. She went and introduced herself. They became best friends and would laugh when they told the story of how they met.
Very Short Story #3
The violinist stared at the person in church, sure she knew him from somewhere. He came up to her afterwards and said they went to high school together. They got married a year later and always laughed when they told the story of how they found each other again.
Drawings and Short Stories © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
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I think people often get the two mixed up. Anger, in my mind, is a temporary thing. That doesn’t mean you can’t find angry people who have made a habit of it. But usually anger is in response to an event, a word, the unexpected. A traffic jam can get you angry. But if you hate a traffic jam chances are there is something much deeper going on. Like hating your life, your job, your circumstances that brought you, time and again, to be in a traffic jam.
Actually being in your car is a good illustration of what hate is all about. So, you are sitting in your car; hating your job, your life, your circumstances and this stupid traffic jam you are stuck in. As your hatred rises what actually changes around you? Does your job get better? Does home life suddenly improve? Does the traffic jam go away? Nope. Absolutely nothing changes outside that car. Every ounce of hate bounces off the glass and metal and comes back to you.
Now, take that outside the car. No longer is it all coming back to you. That boomerang is first hitting your spouse, your boss, your co-worker, your kids…THEN it is coming back and hitting you. So, you are not just hurting yourself, but all those around you. And it can help create a self-ratification that your life is worth hating because now maybe your spouse, boss, co-worker and kids are angry too.
Really, what is the alternative? If you want to live a loving life instead of one filled with hate, you have to put the weapon down. You have to decide that hate is not a good weapon, that it will not win your battles. It will only inflict damage around you and within you.
What weapon will win your battles? Before deciding on your weapon, maybe look to see if you are really in a battle in the first place. Maybe you have made it all up. Wouldn’t that be nice?
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote is mine, adapted from one by Charley Reese, 1937-2013, American columnist
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So simple to understand, and so easy to see when it is violated….by others. Not so easy to call ourselves on it though, when we hate, when we desire harm to another out of hate, when we are blind to the log in our own eye. When we dehumanize someone into a caricature instead of a real person and thus feel the right to hate them. When we decide that a whole group of people, maybe black, maybe Muslim, maybe white, maybe women, maybe Christian, maybe whoever doesn’t belong to our club, is to be feared and hated and judged instead of known and understood as a group and known and understood as individuals.
Then we have given in and are part of the problem, not the solution.
My answer is to be aware and when the moment arrives when I could judge and hate, to choose to love and understand instead. It does sound a bit pie in the sky, but in truth it’s very practical. Actually pay attention and when you see that moment arrive, and it will (AND you will know it) you choose to have courage and think and speak in love instead of hate. It will take courage because it might be a group of you together when someone says something hateful. And you will have to stand up to that person and let it be known you are choosing love instead. It isn’t easy.
So why do it, why not just let it slide? Because you become what you practice. Just as sure as the sun and the rain, if you practice hate, if you practice accepting hate, then you will be more and more filled with it. This is real. This is really how we become who we become. So, there really is not alternative. If we want to be and become a loving person, wise, kind, thoughtful, understanding, then we have to practice those things.
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by the Buddha
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I did this drawing yesterday (6/21/16). I also did it in 1980. Not this exact image of course, but the same basic scene. In 1980 it was a woodcut print. I also have created it a few times on napkins over the last decade. Why is that? Why do artists revisit a theme like this? I mean, we all do it, right? That is how we eventually gain a style and a look. We keep wanting to try something again and again. Can I do it better? Can I do it in a different way that will bring out a different aspect of the idea? Can I have fun with it again, like I did last time. Sounds like a sport when I say it like that, and in some ways it is.
So, why do I revisit this theme in particular? I think it’s because I have always been drawn to the problem of not paying attention or of paying attention to the wrong thing at the wrong time. I have that problem to some degree and so do many others. And it has consequences. Bad things can happen when you are distracted. It can be as simple as getting honked at, or as complex as an airline crashing with resulting insignificant or significant consequences.
For some reason this idea keeps coming back to me. Maybe because I keep being reminded of it by the outside world, in news reports about the parent who left a loaded pistol on her bed and a toddler got hold of it to tragic consequences, or the politician who gets caught with his pants down but can’t stop his behavior and gets caught again, also to tragic consequences.
If you watch me on Periscope or read this blog regularly you know I believe we live in a ‘judgment society’ these days. In the old days, people believed an unseen God watched us and judged us. We were going to go to hell because he had seen us doing bad things (or thinking about doing bad things). In Christianity of course, they are saved from that fate by Jesus. In other religions they have their ways of being saved as well. But it always required being saved or redeemed in some way.
Now however, it’s not an unseeing God, it’s the internet who sees us and judges us. Just look at any unfortunate event, like the 2 year old taken by the Alligator in Florida, or the toddler falling into the Gorilla enclosure in Ohio and you will immediately see that unseen God in the form of very angry and very self-righteous observers demanding justice, castigating the institutions, decrying to terrible parenting, etc.
The difference now, with the Internet playing God, is that there is preeminently the judgment. The mercy, compassion, forgiveness, understanding and patience is less and less apparent. It is not what is expressed or thought of first, but usually only in response to the severe judgment that comes from all sides. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that it comes, I just wish it was the first thing we thought instead of the last.
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by Lauryn Hill, 1975 – not dead yet, American singer/songwriter
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I came up with the idea of the drawing at the top first. But then I thought more about it and realized that it needed a second illustration so I drew the two men on a separate napkin. Then I thought of another version and drew it. Then I thought of another one, and another one. Then I realized there are infinite versions of the coward hating someone who intimidates them. In America alone you can see a hatred of Muslims (or more accurately, pretty much everyone from the Middle East, Muslim or not), LGBTs, women, African-Americans, gun owners, gun regulators, Democrats, Republicans, Chinese, Mexicans (or anyone speaking Spanish), Jews. rich people, poor people, celebrities, disabled, Atheists, Christians, Goths, Pageant Queens, fat people, thin people and more. The list is indeed infinite.
The simple truth is, the coward can’t handle figuring out a way to live with one or more of these groups. They don’t want to struggle with the difficult emotional and psychological work of opening their mind to try to understand these other people. That takes courage. It’s much easier to simply categorize whatever group is intimidating you into being unworthy of your attention and contemplation. Just put them in the box marked X and hate the box. It’s so much easier.
It’s also so much more dangerous. Of course the obvious danger is what happened in Orlando and South Carolina and on back at different locations for decades now, and that is violence that kills and maims. It is what we most want to avoid. But there is another danger, not as immediately disastrous, but perhaps equally terrible in the long view, and that is a life wasted by hate. Many hateful people aren’t going to go out in a blaze of shame by killing themselves and others. But they are going to live a life of hate and end up on their deathbed having only that hate to show. What a tragedy that is.
So, what do you do about it if this is you or someone you love? It’s to admit your intimidation. Admit your fear. Start with what is at the root of it all. That requires courage. But the benefit of summoning that courage instead of hiding in the cave of cowardice is that you get to be in the light. You get to escape the hate and move towards love. And once you escape it in one area of your life, it gets to be infectious. Loving becomes easier, it becomes something you want, something you look forward to, something you can give away with pride. And, it’s something that then starts to transform others around you.
That is worth any level of harsh self-evaluation.
Drawings and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by George Bernard Shaw, 1856-1950, Irish Playwright
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I believe that if nothing happened in Congress to legislate responsible gun regulations after Sandy Hook, nothing will happen now , after Orlando. I think that is terribly sad but I do think it is true.
But, I do believe there is something we can do every day. And it can actually have a profound effect, and that is to examine what builds hate up so much that a person believes they are justified in committing mass slaughter (or individual killing). What is it that brings them to that point? and most importantly, who and what can help them never get to that point?
Obviously someone who is mentally ill (more accurately, has a brain disease) is one sort of case who takes a lot of effort, in informal and formal environments, to get help and resolution. But what about the many who would not be classified as mentally ill if they had a formal evaluation? What about those who are law-abiding citizens, who can by guns legally, who also happen to be very angry or depressed, or jealous, or anxious, or bitter or any number of feelings and emotions that are taking them to a very dark place? What can we do about and for those people?
How do we help them lay down the burden of anger and hate? First and foremost it always starts with our own behavior. We have to be the example of someone who has already done that and continually does it. Then we have to be willing to see others clearly, to not make excuses when someone is angry, to not enable them to continue, but to stop and confront them in love and compassion, not in judgment, letting the person know you are on their side and in their corner wanting the very best for them. If we don’t feel safe confronting them, then we need to find friends, family or professionals that might help. But in many cases it’s really simply about asking them about their feelings and talking it through with them, giving them hope they can get beyond the hate they have. It’s not a simple process, but it can be done.
One of the arguments I hate the most from gun advocates is the, ‘Hey, if they don’t have guns, they will use knives’ argument. I think it is absurd and wrong. BUT, it does point the way to something that is true, and that is hate exists before violence, just as Jesus taught. Murder starts in the heart as hate. Even if we did have effective gun control (which we should) we would still have hate. What we do with that, how we transform it into love, is the essential work that will never go away, no matter how many or how few guns we have.
Drawing, commentary and quotes © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
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When I was in college I had a female friend who I was hoping might want a romantic relationship with me. I pursued, she gave a few positive signals, then some negative ones, then some neutral ones, then some hesitations, then some positive, then some none, then some no, then some yes, then some…I was gone by then.
It was just too much. I didn’t know where I stood. I didn’t know if she was or was not interested. I didn’t know anything solid. And I couldn’t keep going knowing nothing so I lost interest and eventually went on my way somewhere else with someone else.
It seemed to me that it was a game she enjoyed playing. She liked being pursued, that was the adrenaline rush. Having an actual relationship? Not so much. Of course this can happen with men as well as women, so it’s not only a one way street. Men can get their adrenaline rush from their pursuing game but not the relationship game.
Have you experienced this? What do you think it is it all about?
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by Mae West, 1893 – 1980, American Entertainer
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You know what good shock is? Good shock is when you are forced to face something you think is scary or wrong, something you feel is going to hurt you or destroy society, but actually isn’t. Examples of that could be, as seen in the drawing, breastfeeding in public or transgender rights. Other examples from the past might include having to sit next to a black person at a lunch counter or on a bus. Maybe having a woman as the Pastor of your church. Maybe moving next door to a married gay couple. Maybe It would be having an African-American as your President. Or maybe a woman as your President. Maybe a lot of things.
You know what bad shock is? Bad shock is when you witness something cruel, mean, hurtful, hateful, discriminatory, bigoted, racist, sexist, violent, disrespectful. That is bad shock. And you know what makes it worse? When you don’t say anything or, even worse, support it.
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman
Quote by Mae West, 1893 – 1980, American entertainer
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As I was about to start writing my thoughts on this quote this morning, I came across this post on Facebook:
I know that in two years someone will probably mention his name and I will deny that he was ever actually important because I will have forgotten all about him. Facebook will tell me I have a memory to look back on and I will laugh at this status. I may or may not remember who it’s about… but right now… this hurts.
He sought me out when I knew nothing but his name. He wanted to spend so much time with me. He wanted me to move in with him, wanted me to get a tattoo he designed, and he tried his last name with my first. Then, just like that I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t live up to his idea of the girl deserving of the pedestal he placed me on. Ugh… mess with my self esteem for fun, why don’t you?
It is from a friend of mine, Emilie Disney. I know her because years ago our families knew each other at church, she was friends with one of my daughters.
It tells a way too common story of someone being blindsided by someone. I mean, how can you know the ropes and not be tied up when everything seems perfect, right? Time is the answer. The key thing to know here is that her suitor said all those wonderful things within a two week period of time. TWO WEEKS. But one wants to believe, right? He was persistent and persuasive and she was seduced by it. And then all of a sudden, he was done.
Luckily, while she is trusting and sincere, she is also smart and mature. She knew inside that something was off when he moved that fast. It was red flags popping up. It didn’t take her long to realize she had dodged a bullet, or at least was just grazed by it and received a flesh wound not needing extreme medical attention!
And now she is a more experienced woman. She has learned the ropes to a more sophisticated degree. She won’t get tied up again that easily, that is for sure. And that’s how it is, right? You don’t learn the ropes from reading a book on relationships. You learn the ropes by having relationships. That is how we learn.
BUT, just in case you don’t want to go through it yourself and you do want to learn from other’s experience….if some guy promises the moon within two weeks? Be wary, no matter how seductive he is.
Drawing and commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by Mae West, 1893 – 1980, American entertainer
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One of my favorite lines in any song is “Sometimes we’re blinded by the very thing we need to see.” It’s in ‘The Last Word’ by Mary Chapin Carpenter. She’s one of my all time favorite singer/songwriters. She never fails to bring real and raw meaning into the world with her poignant lyrics and powerful music. This song also happens to be on one of my all time favorite albums, Stones in the Road. If you haven’t ever listened to it, I really do believe you are missing one of the most perfect albums ever made.
My Blind Spots
Hearing those words made me start to look at my own blind spots, which is hard, since they don’t want to be seen. Actually, that isn’t true. The spot itself, as is shown in my drawing, is actually what we do see. We see it so big and bold that we don’t see beyond it. We don’t see what it’s hiding.
We can even be enamored of our own blind spots, as when we brag about our ignorance on a certain subject, or our lack of talent in some area, as if it is a badge of honor instead of something to pay attention to and move beyond.
What both the quote and the lyrics say to me is that you see what you want and need to see; infatuated love, the possibility of wealth, the dreams of fame for example, and seeing those things so big can blind you to seeing the emotional desperation, the selfish greed, or the empty loneliness that might come along with those things.
In other words, desire often begets blindness. So I try to ask myself as often as I can, what is it I am desiring here, and how is that changing, and perhaps warping, what it is I am paying attention to?
Many years ago I did a napkin drawing of the actual lyrics I mentioned above. Here it is. it is one of the earliest of the napkins drawn for the world instead of just for my daughters. it’s from 2009.
Drawing and Commentary © 2016 Marty Coleman | napkindad.com
Quote by George Herbert, 1593-1633, Welsh Poet and Priest
